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My Busty Blog

13 Nov

excerpted from December 3, 2007

And now for some less awful stuff. Or more awful stuff, as the case may be, depending on how painful or obnoxious you found A- the previous blog, B- anything else I’ve written in the past, and C- me.

You have a TiVo? Yes? Good. No? What the hell are you waiting for? (BTW- I usually capitalize hell (or Hell) as the mood strikes me. What would you do? Cap or no cap?) Well, TiVO is interesting in that it will record stuff for you all on its own based on other stuff you recorded. Pretty cool. I can usually count on it to get a Judge Judy or two during the day, and I’ll often find Man vs. Wild or even Antiques Roadshow. Yes, I watch Antiques Roadshow. ‘Cause you never know how much my 1983 G.I. Joe Destro figure with the broken arm and missing head will be worth.

So’s I turn on the ol’ TiVo (see how my grammar is getting bad? That’s the sign of me bullshitting!) and what’s on? (And this is NOT me bullshitting) an episode of Leave It To Beaver, in which a mildly retarded boy overfilled a bathtub and his possibly homosexual brother cleaned it up before their parents got home. They just don’t make TV like that anymore!

It also recorded over the weekend a movie called Busty Cops from HBOZ, which as far as I can tell is where HBO sticks it’s porn. Now, I am not anti-cop. Nor am I anti-busty cop. Any other guy would have said “cool” and watched it. But not me. I said “huh?” and dove into the TiVo to figure out how the device picked it out for me. It didn’t take long. This is how TiVo works: I watched a few episodes of Cops on FOX. (Cool show, especially when they taser the lowlifes in their dirty wifebeaters. Want to see America? Watch Cops. Then move to England.) Because I watched Cops, it made the connection with the word Cops in Busty Cops and recorded it. Then I stuck it in the deleted folder and watched an episode of Family Guy it had also recorded.

Then later on I took Busty Cops out of the deleted folder.

NO, no, I’m just kidding.

I never deleted it in the first place.

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El Blogo Mucho Grande! Arriba!

13 Nov

from November 29, 2007

El Blogo Loco esta here! Yo know poco Espanol pero Yo no stop! Que un language de Espanol neceesitas es un pequeno mas cognates. Or perhapsamente Senor Blog’s Ride de Tepido necessita un escribe less annoyingo.

That is just a small sample of how someone who doesn’t know a language can totally mess it up. But seriously, I know better Spanish than that. I am flatulent in three languages. What? Really? No, “fluent.” I meant “fluent.”

That’s right kids; it is time for another trip around the English Language!

First stop- 20th Avenue, where we find a store named, no joke, “Balloons & Plus.” I need to take a deep breath before I go on. “& Plus.” What the hell are they thinking? “I know, we have more than balloons, much more. We have PLUS! Eureka! Balloons and Plus!” I’ve never been in that store, despite the fact that awning has what seems to be a picture of Spider-Man from an Atari 2600 screen cap and enlarged on a t-shirt printer. How I’ve held out this long I don’t know. Anyway, the store has to be run by illegal sub-Saharan immigrants or something. Wherever they come from, however little they know about our language, how did this get past the printers? Or the guys who put up the sign? At some point, someone must have looked at it and said “what the fuck?” I know I did. But the next time I run out of “plus” I’ll be sure to go in and pick some up. (Just last week I ran out of “minus” but my neighbor lent me a cup.)

Next stop- McDonald’s. I really hate McDonald’s. No, not for the ten pounds of undigested meat currently sitting in my colon. I hate them for adding “Mc” to our vocabulary: McMuffin, McNuggets, Mayor McCheese. “Mc” used to be good for a cheap joke- make up any funny or crude name and stick “Mc” in there- instant funny. Anus McDingleberry, Muscle McSteroid, Lord Featherbottom and Lady McTickle. See? Now it all sounds like fast food. Kiss my McAss! (OK, that was a cheap one, but let’s be honest here. What joke is beneath me?)

Up next- Nicknames- Why don’t I have one?

Fourth stop- X-Mas. Now, I am not particularly religious. And if I was, I am not particularly this particular religion. But c’mon, X-Mas? I don’t get it. Doesn’t Christmas get enough publicity without hanging on the X-Men’s coattails? Sure, the X-Men movies made millions of dollars, but Christmas has made trillions for retailers. So shouldn’t it be the other way around? Maybe the X-Men should try to piggy back on Christmas: Christ-Men. Just think about it- Professor Christ and his band of Christ-Men uniting to beat the forces of Magneto, who wants to use his powers of magnetism to steal all the tinsel from the world’s Christmas trees. Don’t like this idea? Wait until you hear my plans for Ramadan.

Cup O’ Noodles. “O'” What is the point of saving one teensy letter? I could see if it was something like “Cup Of  N’s.” Then you save six letters. In a budget it makes sense. But there might be a problem of interpretation. Cup of what? What does the N stand for? Nails? Noxzema? And what would they say down South? This “O'” thing is already way out of control. I’ve seen South O’ The Border and Talk O’ The Town. Are we soon going to see invitations to “celebrate the birth o’ our son Bruce E. Freedkin?”  Will we soon be voting for The President O’ The United States? And come next year will I be out o’ work? But that is a question for another blog.

Our language is precious. It holds us and binds together. It is what we use to cement our bonds of love. It is also what I use to write blogs so for God’s sake learn how to speak real good English.

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