Tag Archives: grammar

I wore my trench coat today.

13 Nov

from January 3, 2008

I wore my trench coat the other day. Which was a pretty stupid idea because it was one of the coldest days of the year. (But I’m full of stupid ideas. Remind me to tell you ’bout the time that I thought it would be a good idea to become a teacher.) [HEY! See the parenthesis, apostrophe, brackets, and caps? It’s going to be one of THOSE blogs. Stop reading now.] [Don’t say I didn’t warn you.]

I wore my trench coat the other day. Which was a pretty stupid idea (you may have read somewhere) because it was one of the coldest days of the year. And to make it worse I took out the lining so it was a THIN trench coat on one of the coldest days of the year, which you may have heard was a pretty stupid thing to wear on such a day, i.e.: the coldest day of the year so far. Or “thus far.” Will one of the present and/or (heh heh) past English teachers who allegedly read this blog help me out here? “So” far or “thus” far. I got it: It was one of the coldest days of the year up to that point. (Italics.) That’s how I’ll roll.

I wore my trench coat the other day. Which was a pretty stupid idea (and I am solidly ignoring this sentence fragment which I am typing for the third time) because it was one of the coldest days of the year up to that point. But today was colder. SHIT!

I wore my trench coat the other day. Which was a pretty stupid idea (and I am still solidly ignoring this sentence fragment which I am typing for the fourth time) because it was one of the coldest days of the year up to that point, until today, which was colder.

Where was I? I am confusing myself. And I haven’t even gotten to the point yet. And what are the chances of that happening before my laptop spontaneously bursts into flame to save itself from having to save this crap on its hard drive?

To  recap:

1- I wore my trench coat.

2- I took out the lining.

3- It was cold.

4- But today was colder.

Yada yada trench coat yada I wore the aforementioned black trench coat (and no, I did not afforemention that it was black. And no, “afforemention” is not a verb. I’m trying to start a trend. Remember how “blog slinging” caught on?)  I also wore black (albeit faded) jeans (albeit?) and black (albeit gray) sneakers (albeit again?) and a black t-shirt (no albeit here) and a nice black shirt (albeit it was blue) and carried a black backpack and it occurred to me that I looked just like one of those “trench coat mafia” guys that shoot up schools, and here I was walking into a school, and all I could think of was “damn it is cold. Why did I wear a trench coat (without the lining) on the coldest day of the year? Up to this point. Although it may be colder on another day soon.” 

But I entered the school without a glance toward me and took out my shotgun and it turned out I really was one of those trench coat mafia guys and- [Hold on a sec, I know the government reads everyone’s blogs and thermostats. DO NOT send the FBI around to break my legs, I’m kidding. I am a merry funster.]

It was warmer in the building, so it turned out I was glad I took out the lining (on such a cold day, coldest of the year, up to that point, etc etc) so I could walk around for a while with the coat billowing out behind me.

I’ve gone on record about capes. Love ’em! (Apostrophe again.) But as I’ve said before, unless you are the late Godfather of Soul James Brown or in drag as Supergirl there is no excuse for wearing a cape. And I am not the late Mr. Brown come back to life, and white, nor am I going to risk an assault by dressing as Supergirl (though I do have the legs for it) so wearing a long trench coat is the closest I can come to legally wearing a cape and pretending to be a superhero.

So, as I said, and if I didn’t repeat myself this blog would have been finished last week, I walked around for a while with the coat billowing out behind me. It was sooooo cool. Unless you were not me and just one of the people in the halls who saw me and thought I was sooooo uncool.  (I was told I looked very gothic, which just proves that people still dig Goths, but who cares she’s cute.) 

In fact, I wanted to keep the black trench coat on all day. Which would have looked silly (but soooo cool) but for the annoying fact that it was actually warm in my room. Who expected a warm room in Lafayette? So, take a guess, what do you think I did? Think carefully now! What did I do? What did I do? Hmmmm?

I took it off, that’s what I did. I was warm. And what fool (me?) wouldn’t take off his coat when it is warm? Even a very cool black gothic-looking trench coat (which had picked up some dust on the bottom, it being so long) without the lining? On the coldest day of the year so far up to that point, etc, in a warm room, though today was both colder outside and warmer inside my room.

This blog is why I get headaches so often.

So I took the coat off, but when I went outside my room, guess what I did? What did I do? What did I do? Hmmmm? I didn’t put it on. Why would you guess that? That would just be silly. And I may be stupid (often) [Hey!] but I am not silly. But it would have been cool, striding the halls, casting a fearsome shadow, cutting a dashing figure, using more descriptive phrases than usual, looking for all the world like a member of the trench coat mafia [Just kidding, FBI! Merry funster and all that.] and just generally being cool as Hell. (A- I am capitalizing Hell, even though I often don’t. B- Why is Hell cool? Shouldn’t Hell be hot? Is this a mixed metaphor thingy? Nah, I am using cool in a totally different sense than temperature. You should have known that. Why do I have to tell you these things?)

But when I left the building I put it on again and damn if it wasn’t still sooooo cool. But it was the coldest [shut up!] and I was freezing my coolness off, not to mention my ass, and I got in the car and pulled out of the laundry bag a big heavy sweater which I wrapped around my trench coat while I sat and shivered until the car warmed up. (Yes, I was going to do the laundry, and damn if I wasn’t the coolest cat in the place.) (“Coolest cat?” Who am I, Sammy Davis Jr. here?)

Well, I love my trench coat. I wonder if it loves me? (Oh my God. That is so lame. ) [So why didn’t I just delete it?] Anywho, or how, anyhow, I put my trench coat away, after brushing the dust off the bottom, and there it awaits until the temperature rises and I once again decide the need to feel pretty. I mean cool. Cool. Until I feel the need to be cool.

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El Blogo Mucho Grande! Arriba!

13 Nov

from November 29, 2007

El Blogo Loco esta here! Yo know poco Espanol pero Yo no stop! Que un language de Espanol neceesitas es un pequeno mas cognates. Or perhapsamente Senor Blog’s Ride de Tepido necessita un escribe less annoyingo.

That is just a small sample of how someone who doesn’t know a language can totally mess it up. But seriously, I know better Spanish than that. I am flatulent in three languages. What? Really? No, “fluent.” I meant “fluent.”

That’s right kids; it is time for another trip around the English Language!

First stop- 20th Avenue, where we find a store named, no joke, “Balloons & Plus.” I need to take a deep breath before I go on. “& Plus.” What the hell are they thinking? “I know, we have more than balloons, much more. We have PLUS! Eureka! Balloons and Plus!” I’ve never been in that store, despite the fact that awning has what seems to be a picture of Spider-Man from an Atari 2600 screen cap and enlarged on a t-shirt printer. How I’ve held out this long I don’t know. Anyway, the store has to be run by illegal sub-Saharan immigrants or something. Wherever they come from, however little they know about our language, how did this get past the printers? Or the guys who put up the sign? At some point, someone must have looked at it and said “what the fuck?” I know I did. But the next time I run out of “plus” I’ll be sure to go in and pick some up. (Just last week I ran out of “minus” but my neighbor lent me a cup.)

Next stop- McDonald’s. I really hate McDonald’s. No, not for the ten pounds of undigested meat currently sitting in my colon. I hate them for adding “Mc” to our vocabulary: McMuffin, McNuggets, Mayor McCheese. “Mc” used to be good for a cheap joke- make up any funny or crude name and stick “Mc” in there- instant funny. Anus McDingleberry, Muscle McSteroid, Lord Featherbottom and Lady McTickle. See? Now it all sounds like fast food. Kiss my McAss! (OK, that was a cheap one, but let’s be honest here. What joke is beneath me?)

Up next- Nicknames- Why don’t I have one?

Fourth stop- X-Mas. Now, I am not particularly religious. And if I was, I am not particularly this particular religion. But c’mon, X-Mas? I don’t get it. Doesn’t Christmas get enough publicity without hanging on the X-Men’s coattails? Sure, the X-Men movies made millions of dollars, but Christmas has made trillions for retailers. So shouldn’t it be the other way around? Maybe the X-Men should try to piggy back on Christmas: Christ-Men. Just think about it- Professor Christ and his band of Christ-Men uniting to beat the forces of Magneto, who wants to use his powers of magnetism to steal all the tinsel from the world’s Christmas trees. Don’t like this idea? Wait until you hear my plans for Ramadan.

Cup O’ Noodles. “O'” What is the point of saving one teensy letter? I could see if it was something like “Cup Of  N’s.” Then you save six letters. In a budget it makes sense. But there might be a problem of interpretation. Cup of what? What does the N stand for? Nails? Noxzema? And what would they say down South? This “O'” thing is already way out of control. I’ve seen South O’ The Border and Talk O’ The Town. Are we soon going to see invitations to “celebrate the birth o’ our son Bruce E. Freedkin?”  Will we soon be voting for The President O’ The United States? And come next year will I be out o’ work? But that is a question for another blog.

Our language is precious. It holds us and binds together. It is what we use to cement our bonds of love. It is also what I use to write blogs so for God’s sake learn how to speak real good English.

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