Tag Archives: gorillas

February News Roundup- Animal Edition

23 Feb

February 23, 2011

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STUPID NEWS PLAGUES COUNTRY

Mr. Blog to Mock Animal Headlines Worldwide

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I find this very prudent on the side of Australia. Much like atomic testing awakened Godzilla, and an erupting volcano brought Rodan out of hibernation, Cyclone Yasi could potentially bring a flock of giant birds to terrorize Australia. The death and horror would be devastating, and who would dare walk under a tree again?  However, experts warn that the effects upon the country’s statues and parked cars could be far, far worse.

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There are times in the writing of this blog when I simply step back and wonder if I am the last sane man. This is one of those times. Never in my life have I linked the words “sexy” and “animals.” Not only do I have to wonder about what type of person would, and not only do I worry about the person who thought to put them together in an exhibit, but I think I would stay far, far away from anyone who would go to see a “sexy animal exhibit.” OK, I like my cat as much as the next guy (as long as the next guy is not going to that sexy animal exhibit) and I think my cat is cute, but that is as far as it goes. I don’t imagine my little Fluffy giving me a come-hither look, nor do I interpret her licking of herself as anything but an attempt to get clean.

On the other hand, I am sure that the writer of that headline has a great sense of humor. “Gorilla Stud”? Inspired.

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It seems like gorillas are not the only simians with smoldering sex appeal. It looks like someone finally snagged that longtime bachelor, Dr. Zaius. What else would you expect? He has power and influence, and owns most of the vast banana plantations around Ape City.

The happy couple met online through J-Date, the Jewish singles dating website. According to his profile, Dr. Zaius likes long walks in the park, sunny days, scientific suppression, and keeping holy secrets. His dislikes include smokers and talking humans.

Mrs. Zaius (nee Yetta Bronstein) likes bananas and playing on her tire swing.

Dr. Zaius in his J-Date profile picture.

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This is what happens when you start with a sexy animals exhibit. Things just get out of control. I was always suspicious about what went on between Wilbur and Mr. Ed, especially the shows where Mr. Ed would wear a wig.

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Now the preceding story makes sense.

What makes an animal unattractive to other animals? Why are these poor creatures left out of the sexy animals exhibition? Alligators are not by any stretch one of nature’s cuter animals, so what makes one less attractive than another? Is there an alligator equivalent of the Miss America contest? Do the alligators wear one-piece swimsuits and blather about how they would end world hunger while showing off their juggling talents?

All that headline proves is that the animal kingdom is no better than us. Ugly guys do not marry the prom queen.

Sorry boys, she’s taken.

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Yes, of course, because not only do sharks hear exactly the way humans hear, and not only does the water do nothing at all to distort the music, but it is a proven scientific fact that creatures of the sea are powerless against the tones of Barry White. This is why Steven Spielberg is a lousy moviemaker. Had Roy Schieder simply played “I am Qualified to Satisfy You” the shark would have headed out to sea to find another shark and Jaws would have had a happy ending. As would the shark.

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Now this makes perfect sense. Just release some mice in the airports and the terrorists would be so scared they’d jump up on the chairs, lift their skirts like 1950’s TV housewives and thus expose the bombs they had hidden under their clothes. Perfect! This puts homeland security in a whole new light. Why muck about with full-body scanners, radiation detectors, and all those security guards when a short trip to the pet shop would be so much simpler and cheaper? Someone call the FAA because I think those scientists are on to something.

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In Search of… The India Monkey Man of New Delhi

12 Oct

October 13, 2010

This is the third in an occasional October series of reports about famous “monsters” and cryptoids. The Chupacabra Caper, er, report can be found HERE and Loch Ness Monster HERE.

New Delhi. Famous for pastrami for and salami, New Delhi, whose sauerkraut oh, sorry, That’s the New Delhi Deli on East 36th.

This New Delhi is the capital of India. It has a human population of over 179,000 and also a lot of cows. Everywhere cows! It is a city of beauty and culture, and no less an esteemed personage than Robin Quivers, (news hack and designated laugher for Howard Stern), upon stepping off the plane for a two-week vacation in India, declared “it reeks like Hell here!” and promptly turned back to the terminal and booked a plane for France. It apparently had a ton of flies too.

India! Land of beauty and culture.
India! Land of stink and flies.
We can all agree, it is a land of contradictions.

It is also the land of mass panic and general nuttiness. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce, the India Monkey Man!

No, not that Monkey Man, this Monkey Man, from actual police sketches:

In 2001, hysteria, fear, and panic swept the city. Residents believed that a steel-clawed, pants-wearing, button-pushing, helmeted monkey was after them. Really, they did. Seemingly random, a pattern soon developed in the mysterious attacks.

We are not talking about ordinary monkeys, which seem to run rampant across the city. This news article should illustrate the attitudes of both the people and the monkeys of New Delhi.

HOSPITAL EXORCISES “GHOST” MONKEY

NEW DELHI- Doctors at an Indian hospital are breathing more easily after a monkey trapped in its air-conditioning ducts was caught, the Hindustan Times reported.

 The monkey, which was trapped for three days, threatened large-scale contamination of seven operating rooms at the All India Institute of Medical Sciences in New Delhi before it was captured on Friday.

 Some on the hospital staff feared that the strange noises coming from the air-conditioning ducts were caused by a ghost. Then surgeons saw a small face and pair of eyes peering a vent during an operation.

Far be it from me to cast aspersions, but if I come down sick in India, get me on a plane to a Western country, pronto.

At any rate, we are not talking about normal monkeys which spook surgeons in hospitals. No, we are talking about some sort of alien monkey/human hybrid with the ability to turn invisible and wear pants. Not cute little circus monkey pants, some sort of devilish Evil Monkey pants.

To begin, here are some excerpts of an actual newspaper article chronicling the first Monkey Man attacks, with my own added emphasis:

2 dead, dozens hurt as panic spreads over night horror

Dozens of people in India’s capital city of New Delhi say they have been bitten and flayed by a mysterious steel-clawed monkey-man who strikes in the dead of night.

Monkey-man mass hysteria over the past 2 weeks has claimed 2 lives: a pregnant woman who fell down a flight of stairs when neighbors shouted that the beast had struck, and a panicked man who leaped from a roof.

His final words: “The monkey has come!“

Descriptions of the monkey-man vary widely. Witnesses have said he is 4 feet tall with a hairy body and metallic claws. A few have reported he wears dark goggles and a helmet.

The media has printed suggestions on how to subdue the slippery simian:

“Shining a light on it scares it away. Its night vision glasses become ineffective.”

“You could also rob it of its gymnastic powers by throwing water on its chest- the creature’s motherboard heart, concealed beneath its black coat of hair, gets short-circuited.”

The monkey-man has been reported to wear pants.

He has three buttons on his chest. One turns him invisible, one turns him into a man, and the third gives him super-strength.

He has attacked people sleeping on rooftops or near open windows, scratching their heads and hands.

Police throughout India have set up night patrols, but have so-far been unable to capture the elusive creature.

Another caller told police that the monkey-man had taken away his mobile-phone.

“Bandar aayaa -The monkey-man has come!”

“The Monkey-Man has come!” And he’s stealing cell phones! (He can have mine with its lousy Verizon service.)  What would a creature with a button to turn himself, and his pants, presumably, invisible want with a cell phone? I’d expect he’d just need another button on his chest.

While most experts scoff at the notion of a pantsed primate phantasm and chalk it up to mass hysteria, there is another possible explanation.

A Phil Tucker connection?

In 1953, Phil Tucker filmed the 3D epic Robot Monster. Of course, I mean “epic” in the sense that “as much as he tried, Phil Tucker could only stretch the budget so far.” The budget was so small that the monster was a guy in an ape suit with a diving helmet on his head. And the monster’s controller? Same guy on a TV screen.

So what was that film about anyway?

The evil alien “Ro-Man” (RObot-MAN, get it?) has destroyed all but eight humans on Earth with his “Calcinator death ray”. Survivors include a family of five, a scientist, and two unseen assistants in a spacecraft bound for an orbiting space platform carrying a garrison of human soldiers.  So although we only see six people onscreen, trust me, there are hundreds and hundreds more just off screen. Face it, you have a lot of  disbelief to suspend.

All eight have developed an immunity to the death ray as a side effect of an antibiotic serum developed by the scientist. Also assume that the hundreds and hundreds of off screen soldiers are also immune.

Ro-Man must destroy these survivors before his invasion of Earth is complete. He is waylaid in his mission after developing an attraction towards Alice, the eldest daughter of the family. What else did you expect?  He refuses to eliminate her, forcing the leader of the aliens to personally finish the task. Ignore the fact, please, the leader is the same guy in the same gorilla suit/diving helmet mix. Finally the young boy apparently wakes up, revealing the entire film was presumably a dream. Man, I wish someone had beat Phil Tucker over the head with a baseball bat for that.

As you can see from the chart below, the Robot Monster and the Monkey Man of Delhi share a startlingly close appearance.

Furthermore, Phil Tucker Jr. announced plans in 2001 to remake his father’s masterpiece. Filming began in….. wait for it….. you guessed it…. New Delhi!

Coincidence? Hmmmm.

Did residents confuse a cheap movie monster in a flea-bitten ape suit for a mysterious Monkey Man?

Probably yes.

AND THEY DID IT AGAIN!!!
WILL THEY NEVER LEARN???

Now ‘Bearman’ Hysteria Sweeps Northeast India

Nalbari, India – With New Delhi still cowering in terror at reports of a marauding “monkeyman”, a new menace has struck terror among villagers in India‘s remote northeast – the “bearman”.

“We first heard a loud bang at night. Then we saw something black and furry resembling a bear, and before the beast could attack, we switched on the lights and the creature disappeared,” Ramani Nath, a school teacher in Tihu village, said.

Panic-stricken villagers have formed vigilante groups, armed with bows and arrows and machetes, to capture the “bearman”, who reportedly has metallic claws similar to those of the monkeyman.  

I wonder if the Chicago Bears were in town?

I'm coming for you Hadji! Johnny Quest can't save you now!

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