Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

I wore a dress today……….. and I liked it.

13 Nov

from October 25, 2007

Mr. Social went to lunch today.

“Who is Mr. Social?” you’re wondering, “and why do I give a fuck if he went to lunch?”

Mr. Social is me, so watch you language. And you care because the odds are you went to lunch with me. (This reflects very poorly on the size of my friends list. Especially since one of my friends is a fake-news organization and another of my friends is a fake me, which I will continue to deny even though we all know otherwise. So don’t shatter my illusion, OK)

STATISTICS- Length of time working at the HS- 7 ½ years. Percentage of coworkers whose name I know- 12% or less.  Times I have gone to lunch with them- oh, three or four. (Tell me about the rabbits, George!)

I like my coworkers, at least those I bother with. I really do, especially this group. (At the risk of ripping off Sally Field at the Oscars, “I like them, I really like them!”) So it only took 7 ½  years to find a bunch of people I’d eat a meal with. (And I am neither Kosher nor too picky about my food.)

So I went to lunch with a group of very nice and attractive female coworkers, four of them and me. So what did we talk about? Gossip, silly! We talked girl talk! All the latest dish about Mr. X, the trash-collecting man­slut, and Ms. Y, who is under the delusion that she looks like a movie star, and we talked all  about what Z, D, E and did behind closed office doors and in what positions. We especially talked about whose closed and shuttered doors hid secret orgy rooms. This just brings up the point- why am I so oblivious to all of this? And why am I not invited to the fun? (And this brings up another point. Do people gossip about me? I sat back and pondered this, as well as why I did not start a new paragraph right here. Well, at the risk of making this paragraph long and unmanageable, like that ever stopped me, I had to figure that if anyone did gossip about me it would be pretty boring. As I said to someone or sometwo today, I don’t shit where I eat. Over the years I have been here I have gone one exactly one date with a colleague. And since it was while we doing summer school it doesn’t count. And she left the following semester and got married too- I drove her to marriage, ha ha- and that was as far as that went. Maybe people wondered if I was gay, that was about all I came up with. Ah well, I’m boring. There was a mini-flurry of tepid speculation last year, and that was it.)

But all of this isn’t to say that I wouldn’t [CENSORED FOR MR. BLOG’S OWN GOOD, AND CENSORED SOME MORE, JUST TO BE SURE THAT NO ONE GETS THE WRONG IDEA.] but I work with them.

Anyway, I fit right in with the girls. And that says a lot about me. I’m not sure what, but maybe I’m just the non-threatening brother type.

Well, ignoring that can of worms, there is the fact that when I am at work, I am Work Mr. B. Work Mr. B. is more serious than Not At Work Mr. B. NAWMB might not be the brightest star of the entertainment sky, but he gets to say what WBarry might think but not say. Too bad NAWMB was with work friends. But I have to say that it is rare that I get to spend time with four women and not worry about who brought the condoms. Just kidding! I am always a gentleman. (And I don’t kiss and tell. Remember that, my friends. I carry on only discreet affairs.)

But to get back on track and away from some dangerous territory, I liked hanging out with the girls. I am already planning our next lunch; a trip to Macy’s, some Hagen Das ice cream, and maybe a kicky new hairdo and getting our nails done at the place with the purple awning, or was it the blue awning, or was it the one that had the name on it? I don’t know, someone figure that out. All I know is I want the guy near the sink, right?

Tags: , , , , , ,

My Review of My Review of Superman Returns

13 Nov

from October 13, 2007

Tonight I re-watched Superman Returns so, in the interest of fairness, and my blog, I figured I’d go back and re-read my old review. Think of this as the special DVD commentary. (You may want to go back and read the original first.)

I began my review, as I do most of them, by running down the cast. And I mean “running down” in the insulting sense. For example, I took the opportunity to take a shot at Margot Kidder, the original Lois Lane: Lois Lane, whoever the actress was, I can never remember her name. While I don’t think  she was a tough enough reporter, she was lightyears ahead of Margot Kidder, who, besides being fugly, was so annoying that I can’t believe that Supes never used his Super-vision to see what a scud she was. This new Lois was actually pretty good.

First of all, it was Kate Bosworth. (And secondly, she isn’t so hot either.) This was, I think, the earliest use of “fugly” in one of my blogs. It may be pointed out that Margot Kidder was not in this movie. But she casts such a repulsive shadow that I can’t think of Superman without seeing her leathery chain-smoking face and crack-whore body. God, I’ll say it again, what the hell was wrong with Superman? He should be bagging supermodels, not superscuds. He should bang Kidder with a bag over her head, and one over his just in case. And drunk.

I also gave this backhanded compliment: James (Cyclops) Marsden was perfectly adequate as Richard. Upon a second viewing, I have to change my assessment. He was merely adequate, not perfectly adequate. I sincerely apologize to my readers for this misleading description.

This next line has followed me around forever: Was that Kumar as Lex’s Henchman? I have to tell you, I have never, ever, seen Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. And I never will. It just seems wrong. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think my eyes may pop out of their sockets if I do. (Citizen Kane that film ain’t.)  At any rate, yes, that was Kumar. The problem is that the guy gets a lot of work now. He is on my favorite show, House, but whenever I see him on screen I think “Hey it’s Kumar.” That guy is ruining my TV! And since House is the guy I most admire and have patterned my life on, this can be a problem. (You see the resemblance, right? Super-smart guy, doesn’t like anybody, acts like a dick to his friends? My favorite misanthrope.)

I then gushed over the Spider-Man 3 trailer: Awesome- Sandman,  Goblin, and the alien symbiote and Eddie Brock! If you knew the comic story they’re doing, you’d be excited too- VENOM IS ON THE WAY!!!!!!!! It has been over a year, and I still have not seen that movie. Screw you Hollywood! That’s what you get for charging $10.50 for a ticket.

I also took a potshot at Kevin Smith: Oh yeah, Clerks 2. Kevin Smith has just given up, hasn’t he? Oh yeah, he has. My bathroom towels have more talent. (And by the way, I do mean potshot, if you know what I mean.)

I then complained for a while about popcorn prices, bad seats, and just generally sounded like a cranky old man. I wasted almost a whole page and the movie hadn’t even started yet. I am going to have a fun senility.

So I next spent some time with the actual plot. About time, too, until I wrote this: Now, there’s a lot I could say about the Clark-Lois “relationship” but I won’t since it was all too painful to watch. Poor Clark, watching the woman he loves all the time, working with her, being with her just an arm’s length away, lust in his eyes, watching her every move, longing for- but really, I just can’t relate to him. What a strange man. Now this nearly got me into some hot water. There was a lot of speculation about who or what I really was or was not talking about here. Obviously I won’t go into details, but I will say this- “No homo!”

But this part is homo- . All we got to see were the glances, the hints, the bare bones of the homosexual love that Jimmy Olsen has for Clark Kent. As Richard (Dick) said, “Jimmy couldn’t stop talking about you.” I think that Singer must have had something more in mind than just making Jimmy Clark’s “pal.” This was a man, a boy really, who both looked up to and desired Kent. More than just a mentor, Jimmy wanted a man to teach him the ways of man to man physicality. I think that when the director’s cut comes out there will be a lot more to their “relationship.” It really is no coincidence that Jimmy fondles his camera with the long lens throughout the film. Olsen has clearly sublimated his desire for men here.

If any lawyers from Warner Brothers, DC, the estate of Siegel and Shuster, or any ambulance chasers are thinking about suing me, just let me say this in this public forum- Superman is all man. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) Now Batman and Robin, that’s another story. A grown man and his “ward” named Dick hanging out in a dark cave wearing tights. Draw your own conclusions, but Batman made Robin wear a pair of short shorts until he was 23. And what about Alfred, their “buttler?” (If any lawyers from Warner Brothers, DC, the estate of Bob Kane, or any ambulance chasers are thinking about suing me, you’ll have to contact my South American legal team, if you can find them in the jungles of Bolivia.)

After many more totally hilarious, uproarious, and hysterical jokes later (this is my blog, if you don’t agree how totally genius I am then you can leave now) I wrote this: Supes also rescues a man from a fire and kills the leaders of Hamas, just to do Israel a solid. I just want to explain that this was not Colonel Sanders, who was revealed to be the real Middle-Eastern trouble maker in my recent news photo blog. The Colonel was still quietly serving his seven secret spices (two of which are rat poison and arsenic) to an unsuspecting public at this time.

Lex starts his evil scheme to corner the real estate market. When he’s finished, he’ll have high-end casinos and resorts on every inch of beachfront property in the world. No one will be able to go on vacation without Luthor getting a cut. Then he’ll jack up the rent. Along the line billions of people will die. Oh yeah- he laced it with Kryptonite so people from Krypton will be unable to vacation on his island. He’ll have the world’s biggest restricted country club. He’ll let in Jews, but no one from space. He’s an anti-Kryptite, the bald bastard. This still makes me laugh. HA HA HA! See? But seriously, this is funny. Take it from me. If you don’t think it is funny then you are not funny. This is the “Funny litmus test.” Funny people think this is funny. Unfunny people don’t.

I ended the review with this bit of ahead-of-its-time forecasting: Nic Cage plays a firefighter in World Trade Center. UGH! Another 9/11 movie. GAH! What’s the connection? Nic Cage was once almost signed to play Superman in this film. Can you imagine a bald Superman? What’s next- a black JFK? Over the summer I watched Bubba Ho-Tep, in which Ossie Davis played, you guessed it, a black JFK. (This will take far too long to explain. It is a movie about Elvis, JFK, and an evil mummy. If Oliver Stone directed Scooby Doo it might have looked something like that.)

As far as reviews go, this one was pretty good. Maybe not as good as my review of The Greatest Story Ever Told starring Jim Carrey as Jesus, but good nonetheless. I think it holds up better than the movie, not a tough feat.

I’ve sent this review to Entertainment Weekly. I hope they’ll offer me staff position instead of the restraining orders they usually send me.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →