Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

My Daring Social Experiment / MySpace Is Full Of Creeps

13 Nov

from November 13, 2007

For two days (and nights, naturally) I left my MySpace page open for all. A couple of friends of friends had wanted to read my stuff and they couldn’t because I keep my page open to my friends only. (Awkwardly constructed run-on-ish sentence there, but I’ll leave it. Nyah.) So I announced, with great lack of fanfare, that I would open the page to all for a couple of days. Anyone who wanted to read could, and anyone who wanted to send a friend request could too.  This was really hard for me because I know how my stuff reads and anyone who doesn’t know me will get the wrong impression of me. Worse still, they may get the right impression of me. (And yet Jennifer still talks to me. Go figure.)

I looked at is as sort of an experiment. “Let’s see what happens,” I said to myself.

“Yes, let’s do it,” I responded.

“Am I really talking to myself?” I asked.

“Yes I am,” I replied

“That’s weird.”

“What’s even weirder is that I’m typing it.”

I’ll stop now. I’m beginning to worry.

So what happened? Well, and this is the important part, nobody read my blog. Not a single view, other than the people whom I already know read my blog. But my profile? A few dozen views in two days. And my mail? Full of shit. Here are a few samples:

INBOX MESSAGE 1

FROM: BETH from UPSTATE NY, 28

MESSAGE: I like your profile.

That’s it, followed by a friend request. Well, since I am tolerant and so damn nice, I went to her profile but it was set to private. Still being stupidly sweet, I checked my friends to see if any of them knew her. Nope. So this was just a stranger who saw my face, which was hidden by a camera in that pic, and clicked on my profile. She (I assume it was a she, the picture was kind of fugly) saw my profile of all the comments she could have made about all the bullshit I put there, she took the time to write “I like your profile” and hoped I would be her friend. Now a different me, one who was not nearly so enlightened, would have replied with a curse filled screed about her mother, but not the compassionate me. I replied “Sorry, no thanks (scud)” and blocked her before I deleted her request.

If you want to be my friend on MySpace- and who wouldn’t? – at least let me see your profile.

INBOX MESSAGE 2

FROM: JSA

Wow! This was it! I had long been waiting for this, and now here was my shot- a chance to join the JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA! I had long read about the adventures of Green Lantern, Wildcat, The Flash, Dr. Fate, and Hawkman, and now I was going to join their ranks! I have never been so excited!!!!!!!! See how excited I was? I used eight exclamation points! My costume has been ready for years- Captain Amazing Man was about to debut!

Boy, was I wrong. JSA stood for Jewish Singles Association. Bummer. According to JSA, they had better boards than JDate and were cheaper too. WHO CARES? I thought I was going to be a superhero! I am not going to go on any site that impersonates a super hero team. (And the Teen Titans? I am staying far away from that jailbait.)

INBOX MESSAGE 3

FROM: PROFILE DELETED

This was very popular. I got a lot of mail from this person. Who would make a profile with just a gray outline as a picture? And the “X” over it? Hardly original. Anyway, this person seemed to really want to be my friend. He sent me over 38 messages.

INBOX MESSAGE 4

FROM: HoT CHocoLAte 4 U

This was another scam. Sure, I like a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold winter morning. But this was not a beverage site. Nor was it a hot drink fan. All I’ll say is “not interested.”

INBOX MESSAGE 5

FROM: PAULA FROM NEW PALTZ

MESSAGE: Want to be bigger?

By now I had an idea of what was going on. I was slowly realizing that MySpace is full of weirdoes and pervs.

INBOX MESSAGE 6

FROM: RICK

Rick had seen my pic on the message I left on The Onion’s page. So I guess he figured that we would have some things in common.

Here are some of Rick’s interests: Fairy Tales, Full Metal Alchemist, tattoos, his girlfriend, Pimpin’ Out Brittney, and G-Unit.

Here are some of my interests: Not any of his.

Rick scared me a little. His pics were of him and some people who looked like Hell’s Angels but with less street cred. But what scared me the most is that his first interest, before of all of the socially maladjusted stuff, was Fairy Tales. I would love to see the reports from his parole officers.

INBOX MESSAGE 7

FROM: MARIAH

Mariah wanted me to see her pics. How friendly! But I had to pay for them. Boo! Turns out she doesn’t really want to be my friend either, she just wants to make some money by selling me some naked pics. Would you believe it? Is there no truth left in this world?

So my social experiment proved a couple of things.

1- I don’t want to have 1086 friends if they are anything like those feebs and dweebs.

2- MySpace is a good place if you want porn, drugs, or to troll for kids. No wonder it is so popular.

3- Liz’s new pic makes her look bustier. (Sorry to embarrass you Liz, but I call it like I see it.)

4- MySpace is full of strange people, so I fit right in.

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Mr. Know-It-All: Teen Sex Advice for Troubled Kids

13 Nov

from November 5, 2007

Hi Teens!

Mr. Know-It-All is back with another “advice” column ass-packed with crude sexual jokes, rampant drug abuse, and alcohol-fueled stupidity.

Mr. Know-It-All has found that the world is moving too God-damned fast. Like the other day at the liquor store. I was on line waiting to pay for a six-pack of something cheap when there was this lady ahead of me. She was talking on her cell phone, texting on her PDA, rocking a baby, and paying for her vodka while all the time she was carrying on a conversation with her boyfriend. What the fuck is that? That shit is productive, that’s what! Mr. Know-It-All’s idea of multitasking is taking a leak while eating a sandwich, with a chicken parm hero in one hand and his ginormous schwantz in the other. And that woman on line? I was so drunk that I puked on her. Serves her right for being sober at noon.

But I know I’m just preaching to the crazy choir here. Like everything you hear during the day. Just complain complain whine whine whine. “Global warning”- boo hoo. “The war in Iraq” waah waaah. “I’m 58th on the heart transplant list and I don’t think I’m going to make it.” Suck it up, crybaby. Want to worry about something? I’ll show you these warts I’ve found all over my ass. I swear, some of them are way inside deep.

Anyway, on to the advice. Remember, these are all real letters found in real advice columns. So enjoy! Your buddy Mr. Know-It-All finds that giving advice is better than jerking off- less chaffing.

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“My very first sexual experience was a wet-dream. I was 11 years old and I awakened to find something wet in my pajamas. I was sure I was sick, maybe even had cancer. Is this normal?”

-from a 12 year old boy

Way to go kid! Mazel Tov! Wet dreams are the orgasm’s kid brother: You get all of the mess but none of the fun. Sure, you wake up with your crotch full of the sticky juice, but look on the bright side, at least you’re sure it’s yours. Wet dreams are your body’s way of saying “Kid, time to masturbate.” You’re a man now. Stick with it and soon you’ll be more familiar with the back of your hand than with any actual girls because, let’s face it, you are a loser.

And yeah, I think you have cancer. Sorry kid, them’s the breaks. But enjoy your new hobby!

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What sort of things are expected of a girl during oral sex? You see, I want to give my boyfriend a blow-job, but I don’t know what’s expected of me, what I am supposed to do. – Becca, 16.

 Yeeeaaaaahhh, this is why I became a Certified Advice Columnist. Kid, how strong is your gag reflex? Can you train yourself to ignore it? How long can you hold your breath? What is the biggest banana you have ever eaten? Do you drive? Do you know where 1852 Canoga Park is? Are you willing to be here by 8 o’clock, alone, and tell your parents you are staying at your aunt’s? I think I can help you. Bring viagra, valium, and vodka.

Sixteen is legal right? Somebody IM me fast with a lawyer’s number. I may have a problem

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I’m 67. Will there be a time in my life when I will no longer feel the need to masturbate? I read that more and more people are living to be 100 — do they masturbate?

 You’re not a teen- get lost.

No, wait, you have a funny question, stick around. Look Gramps, Mr. Know-It-All doesn’t want to stop- why do you? Thank your lucky stars that you can still get it up at your age. I’m lucky if the old limp worm wakes up at all some days. People who live to be 100 sure want to masturbate, but they’ve got other things to worry about, like their kids looting their trust funds and sticking them into shady nursing homes. Then they get so drugged up that they can’t even remember how many toes they have, let alone masturbating. I remember this one time,  I found myself hiding under a bed in a nursing home when some old broad rolled in on her wheelchair. She was like 190, but what did she do? Took her tube of arthritis cream and did the in and out on herself. I gotta tell you true, kids, it wasn’t half bad.

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I am 16 and have never, ever masturbated. I’ve ejaculated in my sleep 3 or 4 times, though. Is this normal? I think this may make losing my virginity a much more incredible experience — am I correct?

No. Talk to the old pervert in the letter above.

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I have been masturbating for a year and a half now and do it about once a day. I masturbate in our bathroom with the door locked. I usually take 15 or 20 minutes to finish, and then I usually wait 5 more minutes for my erection to go away. My problem is that my parents think I am really going to the bathroom and that I am not feeling well, since it takes so long. I’m afraid they may bring it up at a doctor appointment. How can I can speed up the process and make my erection go away sooner?

BWAH HA HA! HOOOOO! HA HA HA HA HA ! Kid, you’re kidding, right? HAW HAW HA HA! 15 to 20 minutes? What the fuck are you thinking about, horses? Shit, if it took me that long to jerk off, then Mr. Know-It-All wouldn’t have time to write this column! And 5 minutes for your erection to go away? Mine poops out usually about 30 seconds before the climax, then I just dribble all over the place. THIS IS WHY I DO COKE!

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How come whenever I’m done masturbating, I feel like I was being stupid and have the urge to put on my clothes immediately?
– age 14, New York

14, welcome to adulthood. That thing between your legs will make you do very stupid things throughout your life, and the sad part is, you always know they are stupid. Guys will climb over jagged rocks if their cocks tell them that there may be a naked boob on the other side. An erection is like a stupid-finder. The first time I ever did heroin was because I was trying to impress my fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Clausen. Man, what a rack she had. Oh yeah, Mrs. Clausen, ohhhhh……..

What? Oh yeah, the 14 year-old kid. Look kid, just pull up your pants and forget about it.

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That’s it for this week’s column. I hope that you have all learned something form your pal Mr. Know-It-All. I would like to leave you now with the advice that my father gave to me- “Wipe that up son, and don’t let your mother catch you in her closet.” 

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