For The Record

9 Nov

from October 12, 2006

Recently, I have been deluged with letters, phone calls, and emails accusing me of the most horrible things. These people say that I am racist and sexist, homophobic and violent. They say that I am amoral. One even accused me of kicking a puppy. Each one of them demands an apology and a retraction. Well, never let it be said that I don’t respond to the people. I will take each accusation on a case by case basis and set the record straight.

First, I have been accused of making fun of the fine people of India. Here, I reprint a section of my news blog dealing with the Indian Monkey-Man Crisis. I remind you, all of these reports come from actual news organizations. I did not make this up, though God how I wish I did:

Monkey-man mass hysteria over the past 2 weeks has claimed 2 lives: a pregnant woman who fell down a flight of stairs when neighbors shouted that the beast had struck, and a panicked man who leaped from a roof.

His final words: “The monkey has come!

Look, any country where someone will jump off a roof because he’s afraid of a monkey has to expect a little ribbing.  I am not anti-India. I flatly deny this. I am anti-stupid and until you all wake up and stop running from ghosts and were-monkeys (both of which were reported) I’ll treat you like the idiots you are. People of India, repeat after me: ghostly were-monkeys that can turn invisible and wear pants are not hiding in your ventilation systems.

My review of Superman Returns garnered me some heat. Some people actually found this description of Margot Kidder sexist:

While I don’t think  she (the new Lois Lane) was a tough enough reporter, she was light-years ahead of Margot Kidder, who, besides being fugly, was so annoying that I can’t believe that Supes never used his Super-vision to see what a scud she was.

To this, I reply, Have you ever SEEN Margot Kidder? Jeez, I went EASY on her! What a mess. She’s the reason Scottish men prefer sheep. (And don’t send me any letters, you pansy Scots- you know it’s true!) This is the same Margot Kidder who went nuts and hid in somebody’s bushes because “they” were after her. That’s real life, look it up. I think she even pulled out a couple of her own teeth.

As further “proof” of my sexism, they point to this part of my review:

Luthor is swindling an old lady out of her fortune, and she says that he “gave her pleasure like she never experienced before” giving rise to the unpleasant question “did Lex sleep with that brittle mummy?” Ewwwwww, that’s pure evil, Lex.

I deny that this is sexism. This is ageism, pure and simple.

Also from the same review, some people found the following excerpt homophobic:

…the glances, the hints, the bare bones of the homosexual love that Jimmy Olsen has for Clark Kent.

Homophobic? Not at all. I was trying to be pro-homosexuality. I claim that the film did not go far enough. It should have explored the Jimmy/Superman lustful dynamic. This could have been a groundbreaking movie, a true cinematic  triumph, but Jimmy stayed safely in the closet, and because of him so will thousands more poor homosexuals. For shame, Bryan Singer, for shame!

And my next movie review also caused controversy:

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN 2

Depp went through the dreaded Nautical Ass-Rape Prison just to get a sketch of the key. It was sketched on a piece of real human foreskin, which shows you how tough the prison is.

Here I was accused of going too far over the line of good taste. Way too far.  Now, some months later, I’ve gone back and reviewed both my thoughts on the film and the film itself. My conclusion: I didn’t go far enough. That piece of shit sucked more than a hooker at a stock broker convention. Nothing I can say would be as shocking as the fact that a piece of shit like that was made, let alone made money. And for the record, the term “ass-rape prison” comes from Office Space, a far superior film. So blame Mike Judge for that one. I take credit for the foreskin sketch.

He walked like one of Jerry’s Kids and talked like he had a mouth full of seaweed.

I stand by that statement. And this:

If Johnny Depp actually acted that way in real life he would have had the crap kicked out of him in the parking lot behind Stuckey’s down in Alabama a long time ago. The rednecks down there don’t fool around.

A lot badly misspelled letters came from Alabama after I printed this. First of all- it is “Alabama,” not “Alabamer.” Secondly, if you’d put down the moonshine and finish fifth grade none of this would happen. You inbred sister-screwing freaks. Thirdly, I’ve been to the South. It is not a stretch to say that many of you are, um, let’s say, redneck hicks. How are you reading this anyway? On a prison computer? Pull up your pants and wipe your asses, you ass hats. (Hmmm, was the repetition of the word “ass” redundant? No. It was fun!)

Homeless advocates were all upset over my comments in CHICAGO WRAP-UP.

I reprint it here nearly in it’s entirety:

The Chicago homeless just don’t work for it. I don’t mean jobs- if they had jobs then they wouldn’t be homeless. I mean they don’t work for IT- your change. I must have walked up and down the Magnificent Mile a dozen times, past Nordstroms and Eddie Bauer and the Virgin Mega-Store and not once did I see a homeless person do so much as smile. Jeez, there must have been about 4 of them per block, each one with the same sad, hungry look and beat-up cardboard sign asking for spare change for food. Nobody stood up and did a little dance. Not one of them even tried to bang on a can and pretend it was a drum. No homeless there stood up and offered to shine my shoes or even make a small speech about how they were abused or thrown out of their homes. They just sat on their little piece of dirty cardboard and expected us to give.

Hasn’t anyone told them that we live in a country where you have to earn your money? OK, so it’s hard for a guy who stinks like a swamp and dresses in rags to get a job, and who would hire a woman with two teeth and what appears to be a huge goiter on top of her head anyway? Does that mean that I just have to ante up some quarters? Hell no. Earn it! Sing a song, dance, or even shuffle- its the effort that counts! Stand up and ask for some food, apologize for bothering me, make me like you and want to help you. At least pretend to be a veteran- people always feel sorry for homeless vets. Just don’t sit there and act pathetic. Have some dignity!

Well, I admit that perhaps I was too rough on the homeless. After all, what should I expect from the “Second City” but to have second-rate homeless? Oh well, I am nothing if not caring and compassionate. To atone, I decided to make a donation to the NYC Street Volunteers, a very worthy non-profit organization that helps homeless people transition to successful and productive lives. They are all volunteers and pick up the expenses out of their own pockets. Then I changed my mind and bought an iPod. Man, those are cool. IPods rock!

In SUMMER TV BLUES I made few comments that upset women’s groups.

I don’t care who wins but I’m waiting to see Fat Momma get a heart attack while trying to scale a wall.

OK, I’ll fess up. I watch Meerkat Manor. Call me a woman, but those little guys are so cute! (Except for Flower, she’s a bitch.)

I fail to see the problem here.

Well, the PC police didn’t let up. In YOUR QUESTIONS, MY ADVICE I aided a number of people who needed some help.  To a woman with marital troubles I replied:

Obviously, there is something wrong with you. He dumped you after 32 years of marriage. You must have really let yourself go. I bet you’re old, fat, and ugly. Obviously you have no self-esteem. Take a good look in the mirror. You have no shot at getting a man now. My advice to you- go on a diet, get a face-lift and new boobs. Beg him to take you back and give him oral whenever and wherever he wants it. Face it- he is your only hope.

Again, I was accused of being a sexist. That is just wrong. I love women. I love the way they cook. I love the way they clean.  Ha ha ha, you broads just can’t take a joke.

But those estrogen-fueled chicks are still on the attack. Here is the text and response of another letter seeking advice:

Dear Harriette:

I go to lunch with a business friend every month or so, and we always swap who pays. The next lunch will be my turn, but I’m really tight on cash right now. I’m not sure what to do. On the one hand, I feel awkward admitting I can’t afford to pay for lunch, even though we do have a friendly professional relationship. On the other, it feels weird to cancel lunch. How should I handle this?

Laurianne, Denver, Colo.

Blow job, Laurianne. Blow job.

When I originally wrote this, I struggled over my advice to Laurianne in Colorado. I spent sleepless nights working on this problem. I took it very seriously. Now, however, I admit that I may have given some bad advice. I may have been sexist in assuming that her business friend is a man. There is the possibility that she goes to lunch with a female friend. “Blow job” no longer applies. In that case, my new advice is to just finger-bang her under the table.

In the same column, this has been held up as an example of my alleged homophobia:

Here’s the proof that I am 100% straight. What the fuck is a bread-and-butter note? On second thought, I don’t want to know. Frankly, anytime a gay man asks me a question with the word “butt” in it I get nervous.

Gay men are great. Fabulous! They are the best designers and whenever I need to buy a present for a woman I always let them do it for me. Fashion advice? To die for! However, there’s a limit. The backdoor is that limit.

I have even been accused of distorting history, if not out-and-out lying. In A SAILOR’S LIFE FOR ME! I made reference to my family ancestry.

While Admiral Bradford Jacobs (1898-1953) may be the most prominent member of the Jacobs naval fraternity, he was by no means the first. The first documented sailor Jacobs was Bryce Jacobs, from Scotland in the 15th century.

Let me set the record straight. Admiral (then Captain) Jacobs took command of the USS Venture in 1923, the youngest captaincy then awarded. He served the Navy with distinction for the next 15 years and was awarded a Medal of Valor for his role in stopping the Brazilian Uprising of 1930, just one of his many commendations and citations. When the Venture was scuttled on a coral reef during the hurricane of 1932, Captain Jacobs was given command of the USS Newsome, the flag ship of the Pacific Fleet. Moving up the chain of command, Jacobs, who was in 1938 the most highly decorated Captain at sea, was promoted to the Admiralty where he oversaw construction and fitting of the newest classes of warships, some of which saw service as late as Gulf War One. Upon his death in 1953, the newest class of carrier was christened after him. Admiral Jacobs was buried with full military honors and eulogized by the Secretary of Defense. In 1974 the US mint honored him with a limited edition silver dollar featuring his profile on the obverse side. In 1983 President Reagan posthumously awarded him the Congressional Medal of Honor, and in 1999 the State of New Jersey was officially renamed New Jacobs.

As for Bryce Jacobs, he appears in many records of his time, known most often as “that Sailing Scottish Jew.”

My knowledge of history again came under attack when I was interviewed in Time Magazine.

BMJ: Isn’t that what I said? Look, my knowledge of Japan starts with samurais and ninjas, then World War II (where we kicked their ass), and ends with Bruce Lee and sushi. That’s about it. And kimonos. Oh, and Godzilla. And, for the record……

TIME: Yes?

BMJ: I hate sushi.

I am a proud American and a product of the New York public school system. Therefore I am not expected to know history.

Lastly, my most recent column, MR. KNOW-IT-ALL: TEEN EDITION upset a few people.

Smack her a little. Or a lot, whatever it takes*. You’ll feel better and she’ll get the idea. Give the gift of bad giving a kick in the ass. 

*Mr. Know-It-All in no way endorses violence. No matter how often he advises it.

Despite my disclaimer, there are still those who accuse Mr. Know-It-All of encouraging violence. They say violence solves nothing. I say they are wrong. Violence solves everything. Without violence we would still have Hitler. Would you like that? ‘Nuff said.

I have also been accused of encouraging drinking:

Look, if drinking was so bad, no one would do it. Go for it. Ever meet any fun non-drinkers? They don’t exist!

You want step by step instructions? Here they are: 1- pour a drink. 2- drink it. 3- repeat.

Well, I have to plead guilty to this one.

If you have any problems with anything I print, I will be happy to treat your concerns as seriously as those above. Until then, to all of my friends, thank you, I love you all. To everyone else, go to Hell.

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