Tag Archives: review

My Review of the All-New, Non-Celebrity Apprentice September 2010. Spoiler: It Sucked.

16 Sep

September 16, 2010

Donald Trump returned to TV tonight in the original format of The Apprentice. Last time around the contestants were all celebrities, but this time all around the only celeb is the one who has always been the biggest celebrity on the show, Donald Trump himself.

The premise this time around is that The Donald has gathered a group of smart and hardworking people who were hit hard by the recession and deserve a shot. Unfortunately, Donnie really blew it this time. (And no, I don’t mean his hair.)

I expected out of work construction workers, laid-off teachers, farmers, people who were pushing hot dog carts, even guys who hand out flyers on street corners. Those are the people the economy has hit hardest. Problem is, those are the people Trump never sees. Think Trump has ever eaten a dirt water hot dog from a guy who looks like he bathed in the hot dog cart? Probably not. So who are the new contestants?

A materials testing technician
A real estate investor
A corporate attorney/cupcake baker
A real estate developer
An account manager/standup comic
A financial advisor
A lawyer
A public relations flak
An educational technology developer
An assistant DA/web show host
An attorney/beauty pageant contestant
A sociology major/Olympic swimmer
A commercial banker/non-profit foundation fundraiser
An entrepreneur/Olympic swimmer
A real estate agent/”Miss Cougar California”
A “self-taught real estate mogul”/big game hunter

I wonder how hard the economy has hit the big game hunter? Can he no longer afford to hunt lions? Does he now hunt only meerkats? And a web show host? Seriously? There’s no money in that to begin with! That’s almost as bad as being a blogger. There are two beauty contestants, a pair of Olympic swimmers, (unemployed Olympic swimmers- but wait until the next Summer Olympics comes around) a standup comic, a cupcake baker who is also a corporate attorney, and of course the big game hunter. Is this really a cross-section of the country? Are these the most in need of help? And do I feel morally right rooting for the big game hunter?

Miss Cougar California? She is not, how should I say it? Attractive. As Winston Churchill once said (in a Dave Barry column) “Madame, I may be drunk, but you are still blearrrgh! ”

I think it is also more than fair to point out that the assistant District Attorney is still working, and therefore NOT UNEMPLOYED, and that one of the others quit her job, and therefore NOT A VICTIM OF THE ECONOMY.

Well, eloquent as I may or may not be, no one could say it better than Douglas Adams. In the second book of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy “trilogy” (which now reaches six or seven books) heroes Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent suddenly find themselves teleported to a strange spaceship. I now quote from somebody else’s summary:

The spaceship to which Ford and Arthur have teleported, marked as “Golgafrincham Ark Fleet, Ship B” is filled with bodies, such as frozen telephone sanitizers, hairdressers, and advertising account executives. Whilst inspecting the bodies, they are captured by Number Two, the third-in-command of the ship, who takes them to the bridge.

Conversing with the Captain, they discover that the bodies are not, as they believed, dead, but frozen. They are intending to colonize another planet, because their original planet was “doomed”. The “A Ark” was supposed to contain leaders, the “C Ark” to contain workers, and the “B Ark” to contain middle-men. It becomes apparent that the stories of impending doom were nonsense, and the A Ark and C Ark were never launched.

In other words, the “B” Ark is full of:

A materials testing technician
A real estate investor
A corporate attorney/cupcake baker
A real estate developer
An account manager/standup comic
A financial advisor
A lawyer
A public relations flak
An educational technology developer
An assistant DA/web show host
An attorney/beauty pageant contestant
A sociology major/Olympic swimmer
A commercial banker/non-profit foundation fundraiser
An entrepreneur/Olympic swimmer
A real estate agent/”Miss Cougar California”
A “self-taught real estate mogul”/big game hunter

It quickly became obvious to Ford and Arthur that there was never any danger to their planet at all, and they just made up the danger to get rid of a useless third of their society. Shot them right into space.

So this season, The Apprentice is a contest between the passengers of the Golgafrincham “B” Ark. I have no sympathy for any of them. These are the middle men in crowded fields who don’t really do or produce anything. No one who builds houses, nobody who can show a product at the end of the day. Want to know who should be on the show?

These guys: 

These trapped Chilean miners have no idea how lucky they are they missed The Apprentice.

Oh sure, there was a task this week, and both teams failed miserably in- get this- designing office space. These tools spent all their careers in offices and the best they could come up with was a lot of plants and a painting of an old man no one knew. Trump disliked both team’s efforts and, watching at home, I wanted them all fired. I was hoping Trumo wold launch them all into space, in his own Trump “B” Ark.

However, it should be noted, that all the inhabitants of the planet Golgafrinch died of an infection picked up from an unsantised telephone.

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior Episode II: Attack of the Clowns

22 Aug

August 22, 2010

Due to what I laughingly call “popular demand,” I continue my episode rundowns of American Chopper: Senior Vs. Junior. This week: Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

(If anyone out there has an idea for a banner for this feature, or actually would like to make one, please email me. Otherwise we are stuck with this crappy one)

The episode  opened with what has become the least important part of the show over the years, the bikes. This week, the ADD crew, I mean OCC crew, are building a bike for Window World, an exciting company which designs and builds…. wait for it…. windows.

Have you noticed that the guys are building bikes for lower profile companies lately? This week it is a window company, and last week it was an internet company no one ever heard of. What happened to bikes for the NFL? OK, they made a bike for Lowe’s, but the unveiling was held in aisle six of their local store, next to the lug nuts, attended by several employees who happened to be on schedule that day and a guy looking for Allen keys.

I think next week they are building a bike for toast and tap water.

So after some shilling for Windows World (“Wow, $189,” Senior marveled.) Senior went back to doing what he does best- spying on his son. First he drove past Jr.’s new shop in his totally inconspicuous bright yellow sports car, then he scoured the internet looking for news about Paulie. At first all he found were WWII Bugs Bunny propaganda cartoons, but he eventually found an obscure little site called TMZ and found some dirt. Above a picture of Paulie a headline read “I will destroy my father!” What Senior really wanted was to overthrow the Emperor and rule the galaxy as father and son, but if Luke wanted it this way, so be it.

But the challenge “idear” was in his head, and, for some reason, he challenged his son to a cross-country race, which his smiling OCC sycophant assured him he would win. He bragged that he would beat Paulie in anything, and the show cut to commercial before Sr. could challenge Jr. to a goldfish swallowing contest.

What was Junior doing around this time? Not much. He and Vinnie were cleaning the empty shop, but they were spending most of their time mooning over Rick and wondering how they could get him away from OCC. They want “Free Rick” t-shirts, a “Free Rick” sit in, and even a “Free Rick” All-Star Celebrity Concert. They sure must love him.

"FREE RICK!"

Of course, this raises the question, how is Paulie paying anyone? Monopoly money? Why would Rick, who I am sure has a nice salary plus health care and other benefits, want to leave all that and work for Paulie’s IOU’s? Let me save you some fretting-  he won’t.

News spreads faster around the OCC shop than on an episode of Gossip Girl, and soon Sr. found out that his son was asking his vendors for free machines. And really, that isn’t a bad idea. They’ve had a good relationship with Paulie over the years, and they’ve done a lot of business together, and they’ll get exposure on American Chopper. However, there are a few drawbacks. Yes, they worked well with Jr., but Sr. signed the checks. Sure, they did a lot of business together, but that was (and still is) with OCC, not Paul Jr. Designs. (And by the way, isn’t that the worst logo you ever saw?) And lastly, they already get exposure on American Chopper, so Paulie really has nothing to offer. He even threw in one of Vinnie’s V-Force hats but no one was interested.

Around this time, in the funniest moments of the show, Paul Sr. stressed the importance of family and relationships. That’s why his business works so well. Family and relationships. Ha ha hahaha, hooo, I can’t even type that without laughing.

After the commercial break, a caption on-screen read “Fabrication Day 4” and I had no idea what it meant. It took me a couple of minutes, but then I remembered that this show was, at some time in the past, about building bikes.

Rick, ever loveable, handsome, and target of Paulie’s unrequited love, dared to point out to Sr. that, just maybe, if looked at from the right angle, the handle bars on the Window World bike made it, just possibly, a little bit impossible to ride.

“Shut the F### up! I thought you were minding your own business!” Senior responded in his best managerial growl. (“Family and relationships,” I remind you, Dear Readers, “Family and Relationships.”)

This continued a trend this season of OCC insulting their former bikes, which, you may recall, were designed by Paulie. “Remember the I Robot bike?” Senior snarled. “The handle bars were awful. You couldn’t ride it.” I’m sure the studio that shelled out thousands of dollars for it was thrilled to hear that.

Since there is never a dull moment around OCC, the window company sent over a jet- powered ATV so they could test the jet exhaust against some windows.  Why does Window World own a jet powered ATV? I have no clue, but I hear that Fiberama has a nuclear Skidoo.

Not to be outdone, Senior unveiled his own mustache-powered ATV.

Don’t you dare think for a second that Paul Jr. designs has not been a hive of activity. While OCC was busy building bikes and shooting rocket blasts at windows, Mikey brought over some piece of crap he finger-painted and the guys hung it from the ceiling. Memo to Mikey. Check your meds and keep your doctor appointments.

Continuing the “Family and Relationships” theme, some kids from Window World who lost their father came to OCC so they could add their handprints to the bike’s paint job. Showing what a wonderful father he must have been, Senior Hulked around behind them and intimidated the kids into sticking their hands in buckets of cold paint. What a role model.

The show ended with Paulie standing in the middle of his nearly empty shop, with no business in sight, wondering what he will do, while Senior test-drove his newest creation.

The following quote, I swear, I did not make up:

“The bikes keep getting better and better. It’s really stretched out so you have to lean on it, hurts the back a little bit.”

That is Senior in a nutshell. What is riding a bike without a little bit of back pain? And what is raising a son without a little bit of emotional torture?

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Newer Entries →