Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

The Latest Internet Videos

13 Nov

from January 18, 2008

We start off the week’s round of funny internet videos with my favorite comedian, Tom Cruise. What do you mean, he isn’t a comedian? I’ve never seen an interview with him where I didn’t laugh hysterically. Remember him jumping on the couch on Oprah? (“I love Katie Holmes! I love Katie Holmes! Scientology told me to marry her! I love L. Ron- I mean Katie Holmes!”) Or the time he was interviewed by Matt Lauer and threatened to punch him because Matt dared to challenge him and his God L. Ron Hubbard about drugs to cure psychological problems? Or when he publicly attacked Brooke (never was sexy no matter people say) Shields about her post-partum depression? Did you forget about the time he wore a whipped cream hat to the Academy Awards? This guy is f u n n y!

So in this video Tommy C. is accepting an award from the “Church” (I can’t even type that without laughing!) of Scientology. He is getting their Medal of Valor. Remember when the government would give out Medals of Valor in World War Two? These were for soldiers who took out enemy battalions, single-handedly destroyed Nazi Panzer divisions, brave mariners who died in submarine warfare. What the fuck is Scientology giving Tom Cruise a medal of “Valor” for? For bonking Nicole Kidman? I’d have done that and given her the medal. She’d have deserved it. (Ever see her in The Others? I was so busy staring at her that I still don’t know what that film was about. They were ghosts? The humans were ghosts? And what was with all the darkness?) The guy showed how stupid he was by divorcing her. (Not like she’s shown her brains by marrying drugged-out Keith Urban.) Seriously, valor? And you should have seen the medal- the size of a dinner plate, hanging from a sash bigger than the President of Nigeria’s, and solid gold. It was bigger than Rosie O’Donnell’s head. (That’s impressive.)

Cruise steps up to the podium in a ‘church” (snicker snicker) that put Notre Dame to shame. Ornate, gilded, looking a lot like a real church, the place must have cost at least as much as Mission Impossible 2, but was more entertaining. (And speaking of Mission: Impossible, Tommy C. came out to the theme music. Lalo Schifrin must be turning over in his grave. Unless he’s off in space waiting to be reincarnated to fight Zeru like L, Ron is.)

Cruise looked his Nazi-like best, black suit, stiff walk, salutes to the founders and the portraits of L. Ron Hubbard. He spoke in clipped, angry tones, and thanked everyone as though he just discovered the cure for AIDS and also found the elusive female orgasm. He seemed to choke up with emotion, but it was a sort of angry thankfulness, if you can imagine such a thing. (Hey, he’s not that good of an actor.)

He led the group in a salute to Hubbard and goose-stepped off the stage.

Check out the full story here: http://www.reuters.com/article/entertainmentNews/idUSN1554617420080116?feedType=RSS&feedName=entertainmentNews&rpc=22&sp=true

Our next video is a short but sweet one with one of our best Presidents, Bill Clinton. And by “best” I mean “fodder for jokes.”

This particular video is funny despite Clinton. Here he gives a speech and one of the girls behind him on stage (and it is always a girl behind him on stage, or hidden inside the podium, or crouched in the bottom of his closet, or with her mouth around his –whoa!) nearly faints.

What makes the video is the way she faints. She doesn’t just collapse; she staggers and sways across the stage like Otis the drunk from Mayberry. She starts by staggering to the left, then she seems to fall off to the right, finally she goes down to her knees but pops back up, sway sway sway, stagger stagger stagger.  I guess she was overcome by the sheer sexiness of the way Bill leaned on the podium instead of just standing behind it. The casual Bill, resplendent in an old man-style green sweater. That was the same way he seduced Monica Lewinsky, by the way. Clinton saw none of it. Chelsea leaped tentatively into action, just in time to watch an aide help the girl off stage. Way to go girl! At the end Bill, displaying the keen mind for verbal quips that made him one of our most quotable President’s says, “It is hot up here.”

Watch the video here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnOr-SnlK9I

And lastly, Katie Couric. If you watch The CBS Evening News you know Katie. But of course you don’t watch her show. Unfortunately for her, nobody watches her show and her ratings are lower than Fifty Cent’s (“Fiddy” to you) high school English grades.

This video shows just how much a pain she must be to work with. This was between segments of her newscast, the camera still running while the show was in commercial. She complains in a pretty nasty and smug way about a microphone, makes a snarky comment about Rudy Giuilli, Gullin, Guggili, aw Hell, he’s America’s Mayor, you know who I mean. She also talks about how “cool” a CBS logo is and pretty much acts like an angry TV news diva. If you can imagine such a thing.  Before this video I couldn’t.

Is this who I want to get my news from? I trust Stephen Colbert. I respect John Stewart. I fear Bill O’Reilly. But Katie Couric? She’s not bad to look at, as far as newscasters go. (But no one compares to Good Day New York’s Jodi Applegate. Hands off! She’s mine!)

And speaking of O’Reilly, remember not long ago when he went with Al Sharpton to a restaurant in Harlem? This is not a joke. This is too good to waste on a joke. Especially one of mine. He went to Sylvia’s and was “surprised at how well behaved they all were. No one shouted ‘M-F’er, I want more iced tea!'”

See a funny picture of Katie and read about her colonoscopy here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3079461

Read all about Bill O’Reilly’s Harlem sojourn here: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2007/09/26/2007-09-26_harlem_diners_shockingly_civil_bill_orei.html

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Pathetic Paper Airplanes AKA The Jeopardy Blog

13 Nov

from January 17, 2008

I had one of those brilliant moments of clarity yesterday. You know the ones I mean, the kind that usually come too late to be of any use. For example, George Costanza two hours later coming up with “the jerk store called and they’re out of you.” (Somehow, just the words “jerk store” have become an insult. I can’t explain it.)

GUY IN CAR YOU JUST HIT: “Hey asshole! Didn’t you see the red light? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

YOU: “Jerk store!”

But I had the moment of clarity at the exact right time. What’s more, it lasted nearly an hour.

I was at the Laundromat last night doing, don’t be shocked now, my laundry. While my laundry was spinning around in the dryers I sat and watched TV. Normally I’d listen to my iPod (iPods rock, but the new Touch makes my video ipod look like betamax.) but I came straight from work and didn’t have it. Jeopardy came on. Jeopardy is maybe the best game show on TV aimed at 70-year olds. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not ragging on Jeopardy, I’m a fan, but since Bob Barker left TV Alex Trebek has had to pick up the workload of being the pin-up favorite of nursing homes across the country. Drew Carey, um, not so much.

I tend to do fairly well on Jeopardy but it is hit or miss. Sometimes the categories fall right and I can answer everything. Sometimes I can answer nothing, but usually I do OK. Last night, wow, last night was great. I answered about 90% of the questions and only missed three. I knew “who was Archduke Franz Ferdinand?” I knew “what is sashimi?” I knew “who was Voltaire?” The final Jeopardy question was “what was Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon?” and I said it before the words had passed out of Alex Trebek’s formerly mustachioed lips.

Cool right? It gets better. There was a guy there also watching the show. Guy was middle aged, about 50, as opposed to the not-quite-yet middle aged 37 but with the soul of a young weird child that I am. He was standing at the other end of the washers. He was dressed in a way that I can’t stand: Red baseball cap. (Yankees, ugh.) Red t-shirt. Red zippered sweat shirt. Red sneakers. The guy looked like one of the Star Trek security guys who get killed before the credits roll. NOTE TO EVERYONE: Dressing all in one color makes you look like a jerk store. Don’t do it.

 Now he was intently watching the show, while I was slouched down in chair reading the paper while I watched. He looked serious, I looked, um, like I usually look, suavely distracted with an aura of mystery. But I was saying the answers out loud. Not loud enough to draw attention to myself, but loudly enough to be heard. I didn’t begin doing it on purpose, but I soon continued on purpose. I was answering almost as an afterthought, barely glancing up from the paper long enough to say “what is cesium?” But the red dude didn’t get as single answer. (If he did he didn’t say anything.) Problem was, Mr. Serious Player started shooting glances my way, slightly angry glances.

I didn’t care. How often do I get a chance to be a Laundromat Jeopardy bully? Come to think of it, how often does anybody get to be a Laundromat Jeopardy bully? I couldn’t stop.

The more I knew the more it bothered the guy. “What is the atomic weight of gold?”  “Who is King Kamehameha?” Clearly, he hated me. At sometime before Double Jeopardy I put my wash in the dryer’ so that when Final Jeopardy came up I was standing only about three feet from the guy. As soon as I had the answer I said it aloud, almost right in the guy’s ear. Being the sensitive type I said it low. (I knew it would piss him off.) To the guys credit, he didn’t say a word, but turned almost as red as his stupid hat.

Before Wheel of Fortune (a show that makes average brains turn to compost) channel 7 did the lottery numbers. The guy said, loudly, to someone near him “I bet that guy hit the numbers too!” He was pissed. And it got worse when I solved all of the Wheel of Fortune puzzles before he did too. (Not a hard thing. That show is crap. But did you ever read Pat Sajak’s blog? Seriously, the guy may be the sanest and most level-headed guy in show business. Who would have guessed?)

Eventually my wash was done, dried, folded, and it was time to leave. On my way out I glanced at another TV, one that was showing The Beverly Hillbillies. Just to annoy the guy, I turned to some random woman near the set and said “they’re showing the one with the kangaroo again?” just to twist the knife in the guy and show him that I know everything.

Don’t feel sorry for the guy, he got what he deserved for dressing so badly.

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