Tag Archives: ABC

TV Then vs. TV Now

31 Jan

January 31, 2011

I don’t care what anyone says- TV used to be better. To prove it, all I have to do is say is say two little words- Jersey Shore. There ‘Nuff said. Want more proof? Real Housewives.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking- “But Mr. Blog! TV had crap like My Mother the Car, Manimal, and Supertrain! Not to mention Roseanne Barr.”

That’s all true, but none of them had the ratings of a crapfest like America’s Top Model, despite there being many, many less channels to choose from. Back them you had the stations between 2 and 13 plus some hazy UHF channels. Now your cable box goes into the thousands.

I have no excuse for Roseanne Barr.

I do, however, have proof that television used to be better.
Facts in the form of old TV Guide ads.

Aside from one of the milestones of classic TV- Who Shot J.R.?, this ad features one of the classic over the top shows, The Dukes of Hazzard. Why did I pick this particular ad? Because the Duke boys are using bows and arrows! In a show already totally silly, the Duke boys were not only expert drivers but also expert marksmen- with dynamite tied to their arrows! Does TV get any better than exploding arrows?

But not everyone liked the drama of Dallas or the shenanigans of the Dukes. for them there was family fare.

By “the whole bunch” they meant “everyone but Jan,” who was recast, and “no Alice either.”

And who better to kick off their show but such cheesy TV stalwarts Donnie and Marie? Everyone’s favorite fussy non-homosexual (though everyone thought he was) Tony Randall was along for the fun! Does it get any better?

It just got better.

So far we’ve had variety, action, drama, and jiggly women in tight t-shirts. What about the kids? Think of the children!

OK, I will.

Look at that lineup! Spider-Man! The Fantastic Four! The Beatles! King Kong! Casper! Bullwinkle!
And, uh, something called Milton the Monster.

Kids shows weren’t limited to Saturday mornings either. Remember these specials?

I ask you, where can you find Pac-Man on TV today?

Lest you forget, here is the most infamous TV special of all:

What a cast! All of your Star Wars favorites: Harrison ford, Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, the guy who played Chewbacca, Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman, Art Carney, and Jefferson Starship. Because no one screams “Star Wars” like Bea Arthur and Jefferson Starship.

What else did TV air at night? TV movies!

Sally Struthers in Hey, I’m Alive! The jokes just write themselves, and it is a good thing because I can’t come up with one myself. But seriously, think about her career and make up your own.

And of course, the previously bloggged Wonder Woman!

There was Killdozer (great title!)

And there was Star Trek II:The Wrath of Khan. This is an example of a simply great ad in a style that you never see nowadays.

And speaking of great ads, check this one out.

Now that is one great ad. Tales of the Gold Monkey was an action/adventure show in the Indiana Jones mold. Seriously, look at that ad. Who wouldn’t watch that show? Turns out a lot of people wouldn’t watch that show. It was cancelled after one season. In the pilot, they went after the fabled Gold Monkey idol and it turned out to be made of lead, which I guess is a parallel to the show’s ratings. However, I was a fan and trust me, it was a good show.

And speaking of shows that feature monkeys:

And speaking of shows that feature other apes:

I may be one of the few people who remember this show. Spun off from Hill Street Blues, it featured Buntz and one of his snitches moving to Beverley Hills, which also happens to be Standard Sitcom Plot number 14 (Fish out of water: low-class guy in ritzy neighborhood.) And notice the sneaky way they stuck in an ad for Cheers.

I have to admit that I never heard of this show, but I was hooked by the description- “St. Louis struck out in the World Series.. now it’s struck by KING TUT’S CURSE!” That is the exact kind of silly plot that my friend Marc and I came up with all the time when we were teenagers. That could be OUR lousy cancelled TV show!

On the other hand, here we have the opposite- a good TV show with a lousy ad.

Were there no photos available? Who came up with this? Gary Coleman looks like he is lost in some sort of romantic reverie. And read that description- “… all of his friends and some of his enemies…” What enemies? All I remember was the Gootch, played by Andrew Dice Clay, looking about ten years too old to be a teenager.

Lastly, TV used to be the home of cheesy movies and horror hosts. Anyone who grew up in New York remembers this Thanksgiving tradition:

Who didn’t stay up late at night to watch some of these?

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy is a poorly dubbed Mexican film from the 50’s and it is pretty much what you’d expect from the title, just a lot less fun. It shows up on cable from time to time and you really should check it out.

On the face of it this seems like a funny mistake- Movies of the ’50’s featuring Frankenstein 1970. but once you realize that Frankenstein 1970 was made in 1958 it makes sense.

Who would not have stayed home to watch that? Before you say “not me” remember, this was before TiVo and DVRs, before cable, before even VCRs were common. You bet your ass you’d stay home.

So there you have it. Indisputable proof that the television of yesterday was better than the television of today. Want more proof? Turn on BRAVO.

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The 2010 Prime Time Lineup- As It Should Be.

4 Oct

October 4, 2010

In my last blog, I introduced you to some actual shows airing on cable television. (And one fake show- Air Traffic Antics. OK, you may have guessed it, but don’t try to tell me it was any worse than the rest of that sorry bunch.)

Well, those were all reality shows, but this season the pendulum is swinging back to scripted television. Of course, not all goes well.

FOX’s  Lonestar has been cancelled after only two airings. and don’t tell me Running Wild makes it to week six. If you’ve seen the stuff ABC is throwing at the wall to see what sticks on Friday nights you know they’ll have a couple of slots free soon too.

(Why was Lonestar cancelled? Mr. Blog’s research showed that a majority of those questioned confused Lonestar with BraveStarr, an outer space Western cartoon from the late 1980’s. Oh boy. You should meet Mr. Blog’s research panel.)

Television veterans aren’t faring well either. Larry King is leaving his show and finally crumbling into dust, Oprah is taking her ball and going home to her own network, and even Hannah Montana is leaving the Disney Channel. For obscurity, we hope. We simply pray that it doesn’t mean that her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, has time on his hands to make another album.

As you can tell, that leaves a lot of room for new shows. I proudly present the next generation of prime time television!

THE FRANK SINATRA MYSTERY HOUR
Set in Las Vegas in the 1960’s, this weekly drama follows Frank Sinatra off-stage as he assists the police in solving their most baffling crimes. Cleverly masquerading as a swinging womanizer, Sinatra slyly uses his mob connections to get information that the police are unable, or unwilling, to get. With Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and the rest of the Rat Pack as cover, Frank Sinatra blends in with the seamy underbelly of organized crime in the city of sin. However, Lt. Lewiston is constantly at odds with Sinatra. He doesn’t approve of Frank Sinatra’s maverick ways, but unknown to Sinatra, Lt. Lewiston is also a frustrated lounge singer who is sick of seeing his gigs stolen by Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack. The two constantly clash over both police methodology and the proper arrangement of “Summer Wind.”

NOTE: Frank Sinatra does not sing in this series.

THAT 2007  SHOW
Take a nostalgic trip back to the year 2007 in this half-hour comedy.

MAKE ROOM FOR BABY-DADDY
The old 1950’s sitcom Make Room for Daddy gets a facelift for the 21st century. Melinda is a single mother living with her sassy ten year-old daughter Kendi and her older sister Mel in a small apartment in Queens. It’s hard enough to pay the rent with Melinda and Mel’s two paychecks and still raise Kendi, but hilarity ensues when Thorpe, Melinda’s baby-daddy turns up and moves in. Melinda hasn’t seen Thorpe in years, but he’s out of prison and back in their lives. Determined to be a father to Kendi, and equally determined to not work or pay rent, can he get along with Melinda and Mel in a three-room apartment? Melinda’s boyfriend Kane may just have something to say about that!

THE BAD CGI SHOW
Showcasing the worst in computer generated special effects, this techno-babble filled hourly sci-fi space drama is brought to the small screen by Biff Rodenberry, grandson of Star Trek creator Gene Rodenberry.

Captain Lee “Leaf” Erickson and the crew of the A.K.C. Star Hustler are on a mission to find and map alien solar systems. Crew members include First Officer Zort, Major Richard C. Richards, and Sloopy, a dog-eared alien from the planet Flatulon.

Each week, intense theoretical and philosophical issues are raised, debated, pondered, and thought over through dialogue, soliloquy, and the occasional raised voice or frown.

In episode one, Captain “Leaf” Erickson encounters a strange life form who engages his crew in a game of chess. 

THE ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BOSCO
This daily half-hour cartoon stars Abe Vigoda as the voice of Little Bosco, a cute and clumsy teddy bear who lives in the toy box of a spoiled child. Every episode, Little Bosco and his friends- Brown Gopher, Weak-Willed Wanda the Weasel, Monkey Mike and Silly Zebra- strike out on their own and have fun adventures in the back yard. Watch out! Percival, the spoiled rich boy, is looking for his toys.

JUDGE DONALD TRUMP
Trading in his boardroom for a courtroom, Donald Trump presides over the latest syndicated judicial reality series.

Each week, actual defendants and plaintiffs with real court cases come before Judge Donald Trump in Trump Court to have their cases heard. Assisted by court officer Donald Trump Jr., The Donald renders his own brand of fair and impartial verdicts while continuing to build the Trump brand. The twist of this reality show is that while most shows order the losers to pay the winner’s judgments, in this court, all judgments are payable to The Donald. Better be on your toes or your case won’t be dismissed, you’ll be fired!

PBS WRESTLING
Public Broadcasting gets into the “sports entertainment” business with their weekly live “PBS Wrestling” show. Wrestlers include Norman “the lobbyist” Clarence, “Wild” Tim Russert, and Frank “The Fundraiser.” Titles can change on pin fall, submission, or whoever raises the most money during pledge week.

CAVEMAN ASTRONAUT
This one hour drama follows Oog the caveman, a Neanderthal ahead of his time. Not content to hunt for food, avoid mammoths, and just survive, Oog looked to the stars. While no smarter than the average caveman, Oog built the first working spacecraft, all the way back in 10,000 B.C.

Through a freak mishap, Oog found himself propelled forward to our time, where he now works as a consultant for NASA.

SUDDENLY POPE!
It’s comedy meets consecration in this half-hour breakout comedy!

Vinnie  Boombatz was just like you and me- get up, go to work, pay the bills, hang out with his friends. One day his life took an unexpected turn when he awoke and discovered that he’s the Pope. It happened overnight! Vinnie still works in the pharmacy where he’s always filled prescriptions, and still goes drinking at night with his buddies, but now he does it dressed in the Pope’s habit, carrying the Pope’s crook, wearing the Pope’s large hat, and deciding the religious doctrine of millions of believers around the world.  To his worshipers he’s Pope Boombatz I, but to his friends he’s still just Vinnie.

In the first episode, Pope Vinnie wonders if he should sell condoms to a nervous teenager.

ALIEN ASSHOLES
(Hey, don’t complain about the titles, we’ll Shatnerize it with A&&holes.)
(Reality, 1 hour)

Hosted by Jeff Foxworthy! Ed Doogle was an average guy in South Dakota. While driving his pickup truck home down a lonely back road one late night, Ed Doogle was abducted by aliens. While they tried to probe him, Ed used all of his redneck cunning and managed to turn the tables on his captors. Piloting the ship back to the alien homeworld, Ed found it ridiculously easy to take over. Ed Doogle is now the leader of a world of aliens. Too bad they are incredibly stupid. Ed Doogle is the leader of a planet of ALIEN ASSHOLES.

There you have it! The next bunch of soon-to-be-cancelled TV hits! And don’t any of you try to tell me that these shows are any worse than Better With You. Have you seen that thing yet? Catch it now while you can. Or better yet, don’t bother.

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