Advice? Featuring a cameo from Mr. Know-It-All!

Advice columns. Ugh. Who is the person who asks some anonymous person advice? Not me. Bad enough that I answer those questions, I’m not about to ask them. After all, the tool answering them is probably even lamer then me. In this edition of the poorly named Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride I’ll take the same question and pose it to a variety of “experts.”

The question, stolen from some site on the internet:

I am a completely straight guy. I am madly in love with my girlfriend. One night she was giving me oral and stuck a finger in my ass. I was uncomfortable at first but in a little time I got to like it. I found it felt so good. Now my girlfriend asks if I wanted to try a butt plug. At first I said “Yes!” But the more I think about it, the more I think I might be gay. My question: Is there something gay about using a butt plug?Advice from a six year old:

My Mommy and Daddy live in different houses. I have a turtle in Mommy’s house. Mommy and Daddy used to fight. Daddy lives with his new friend. She used to be Mommy’s friend but they don’t talk since she started having sleep-overs with Daddy. They hug a lot at night. I think “ass” is a funny word. I used to play with poo.

Advice from a Southern Preacher:

You are both going to HELL! And DAMNATION! FIRE and BRIMSTONE sayeth THE LORD! Vile sinners repent. REPENT! As it is written, thy GOD will SMITE thee with the HOLY SWORD and you will never again question HIS WORD OR HIS NAME! Out, you sinners! HOMOSEXUAL SINNERS! BUTT PLUG SINNERS! Evil UNNATURAL SEX FIENDS! You must CLEAN YOUR FOUL, DOODY-STAINED FINGERS in the pure waters of THE LORD! BUTT PLUGS are the DEVIL’S ANAL TOOLS! You are sticking THE DEVIL’S OWN HORNS in your body! You are having SATAN’S INTERCOURSE with SATAN’S TAIL! REPENT! REPENT! REPENT! Take your BUTT PLUGS and your ANAL FINGERS and anoint yourselves in clean oils. SIN SIN and MORE SIN! ANAL BUTT PLUG SIN! DOODY-STAINED FINGER SIN!

Advice from Mr. Know-It-All:

Jeez, of course you’re gay. How do you know that wasn’t a guy’s finger in your shitter? Look, when it comes in the backdoor nobody sees the delivery man, if you know what I mean. Start with a finger, move up to a toe, then a butt plug, soon you’ve got a dildo up there and then two big black cocks in your ass. Get the lube guy to start making deliveries now, fagola, I know from experience.

Advice from a Tim Gunn:

A butt plug makes you gay? Ewww, not gay enough! Call me when you become a contestant on any Bravo reality show, girlfriend.

Advice from Barack Obama:

I’ll get back to you after I poll Reverend Wright and Bill Ayers.

Advice from Glen Quagmire, from TV’s Family Guy:

Oh yeah, gigitty gigitty!

Advice from Mr. Know-It-All, again

Look fruity, you start off by saying how much you love your girlfriend. Like William Shakespeare said, methinks thou dost protest too much, butt wrangler. (Was that from Hamlet or Leather Clad Wenches of Stratford? I can never remember.) Your girlfriend is a beard, Hell, I bet she has a beard. You ain’t got no girlfriend. His name is Albert and he has a small cock but huge balls just right for tea bagging and you love it when he takes a piss on you. Tell the truth, turd-hole. Tell the truth! And send me some video ASAP.

So take it from me, the quality of the advice is only as good as the quality of the advice giver. Unless you are getting your advice from me. I’m good at it.