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“I always knew he’d be a failure,” said former grade school teacher of local failure.

19 Nov

from March 17, 2009

“I always knew he’d be a failure,” said former grade school teacher of local teenage failure.

Ms. Edwina Schram, a fifth-grade teacher at PS 249, said that she always knew that Bert Warren was doomed to fail. “He was the only child in his class to never learn the multiplication tables. The other students made fun of him.”

According to Ms. Schram, the students were not alone. “All his teachers made fun of him. We’d pass around his English reports in the lounge and laugh. They weren’t badly written, just stupid.” Warren often wrote about his fantasy life. “I still have one called ‘Grand Wizard Bert-Zor Marries the Princess Stephanie Meyers and slays the Dragon of Times Three.’ I still get a chuckle out of it. What a tool.”

Warren’s latest failure came only last week, when his supervisor at Blockbuster, Stephanie Meyers, fired him for what she called “Gross incompetence, inability to correctly shelve DVDs, and just plain being a loser.”

Bert Warren told the press “Just wait until I learn the Spell of Sinuous Ardor. Then we’ll see who the loser is!” He now plans to apply for a job at McDonald’s.

-AP wire service

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