Tag Archives: Mr. Blog

Newly News (Lying Awake With John Newly #9)

1 May

May 1, 2015

Strange Theremin musk plays in the background and continues for 45 long seconds. Music fades.

ANNOUNCER: This is Lying Awake with John Newly. Lying Awake airs seven nights a week across the country and spans the globe via the internet. Here’s your host, John Newly.

Hello, hi, and how are you? This is Lying Awake with John Newly and I’m John Newly, and you’re listening to Lying Awake with me, John Newly.There’s a lot going on in the news and we’ll jump right in to the big stories of the day, right after this.

-Commercial for Albert Moss Prepared Gourmet Survival Meals and Fine Wines.

-Promo for WKAT-AM charity Bootblack Blowout and BBQ Brunch. Bootblacks will be on hand to blacken your boots and baste your BBQ for a small donation.

ANNOUNCER: We’re back with more Lying Awake with John Newly. Here’s John Newly.

Radio_Times_5_Dec_1954

OK, let’s get right to today’s top headlines from around the country and around the world and even around the cosmos. NASA says that a meteor will pass so close to the Earth this week that it will actually be closer to Earth than the moon. With me now is our Lying Awake science professor-at-large, William C. Bogey. William, should we be alarmed about this meteor hitting the Earth?

-Hello John. Let me tell you and the audience that NASA has been LYING TO YOU! There is NO meteor heading for Earth! This is all a plot to cover up the secret alien moon bases. They’re distracting us with all this meteor nonsense to keep us from talking about the real space discoveries, like the cowboy hat the Mars rover photographed last week, or the fossilized painting of William Shatner that Neil Armstrong found on the moon. There are alien bases all over the solar system and let me tell all your listeners, John, that NASA will NEVER tell you the truth!

Wow, I always learn something new when we have William C. Bogey on. You can find his website at BigWillieStyle.com. Also in the news, a new study shows that that eating too much sugary candy can be bad for you. On the line is nutritionist Zelda Rumstock. Zelda, is it true what they say, that too much sugary candy can be bad for you?

-Yes.

In Missouri, a man panning for gold in a lake behind his house found something better than gold. He found a fossil of a rare clam. Gosh, I wonder if there was a whole prehistoric seafood dinner down there. Wouldn’t that be something? You can see all the pictures on our website. LyingAwakeOnline.com. While you’re there, take a look at my tour schedule. Next week, I’m going to be in Osaka Japan, Alberta Canada, The Falkland Islands, and someplace called “update your passport.” Oh, that’s a note to myself.

Coming up in our second hour, my guest will be Otto Mullich, a professor of psychology who claims that he has perfected the safest way to travel beneath the ocean without using expensive and bulky submarines. I’ll be back after the break. I’m John Newly and this is Lying Awake with John Newly.

Workplace Logic Update: Close The Door!

28 Apr

April 28, 2015

Last week I told you about the drama, stupidity, and more stupidity surrounding a smashed open vending machine at The Company I Am Employed by at this moment. In a nutshell: Instead of fixing a broken candy machine, my company installed a surveillance camera and fired anyone who stole a Kit Kat bar. (Although it didn’t have to be a Kit Kat bar. You could fired for stealing M+M’s too.) This went on for a week. NOTE: They left the jagged glass shards in place as, I can only assume, a theft deterrent. And why not? It isn’t like jagged glass shards pose a safety hazard to the rest of the staff. 

Well, the machine has been fixed and restocked, and the prices were, amazingly, not raised. No need to. A small bag of Doritos already costs $1.10. Raising prices even higher is something only a cable company would do. 

However, my company has taken steps to prevent future vandalism.

1- They closed the door to the pantry where the machines are located.
2- They put up this sign: “Please keep this door closed to prevent entry by non-company personnel.”

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This is not the sign. The real sign was block printed on a sheet of white paper.

So I guess they concluded that an employee or employees of another company in the building smashed and looted the machine. OK, that’s all well and good. There’s only one problem with the new closed-door policy.

The door is closed but not locked. Anyone can get in by simply… opening the door!

But by gosh! This company sure has addressed the issue! And golly, do I feel better!

Meanwhile, the door was left open most of the day, and still open when I went home.

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