Archive | Writing RSS feed for this section

Black Friday Thursday

26 Nov

November 26, 2014

This is to all of you who are complaining about stores being open on Thanksgiving.

Stop it.

Stop blaming the stores. Thousands of people line up hours before the shops open, skipping food, sleep, and basic human comforts just to get a cheap TV. Blame them.

If thousands of people lined up outside of your house and waved money at you, what would you do? You’d open your door and invite them in for coffee. So until people stop sacrificing their humanity for a shot at a bargain on an iPad, leave the stores alone.

About these ads

Random Mumblings

25 Nov

November 25, 2014

Just some random thoughts.

I don’t know if Bill Cosby is guilty of not. I get the feeling he is, in at least some of those cases, but I can’t really say, that’s just an opinion. But here comes Cos complaining that the media is out to destroy him. Really? The media? The same media that made him a beloved star for as long as I’ve been alive. The same media that made him America’s Dad and barely covered past allegations against him. What did they do wrong now, besides cover a legitimate news story? Cos, I’d get it if you blamed the accusers, I’d understand if you got angry at having your shows dropped, I even agree that a lot of the things said against you are unsubstantiated or unproven. But what do you want them to do when a parade of women keep coming forward with allegations against you? You’re a smart guy, Cos, keep your mouth shut. (And, if my suspicions are right, keep it in your pants too.)

151784-bill-cosby-as-cliff-huxtable

NYC’s new speed limit is 25 mph, down from 30. Yes, it saves lives, no debate. But man, it’s slow! All I have to do is take my foot off the brake and my car is doing 25 before I ever get near the gas. But I’m not going to advocate for raising the limit, what I want is for the streetlights to be recalibrated. The lights are now set for a car traveling a certain speed to be able to get from one green light to another (when synchronized correctly, that is) before it turns red. But now, with cars going slower (and some real idiot drivers don’t even go as fast as 20 anymore) you hit red light after red light. someone please fix the signals!

l_20130812-fast-lane-1200

Al Sharpton owes about 4.5 million in taxes, and his defense was that he didn’t father an illegitimate son. And it worked! The tax story immediately disappeared. Why can’t the media hound ol’ Rev. Al the way Cosby says they hound him?

I know this is a very old picture, but how could I not use it?

I know this is a very old picture, but how could I not use it?

Every once in a while I’ll get on twitter and poke fun at #Mulaney, that show that FOX  stubbornly claim’s is a sitcom. And you know what? I tried, I really tried, but that show is awful. I mean “I’d rather watch The Real on FOX” awful.

Now I canceled Mulaney!

Now I canceled Mulaney!

And lastly, what’s with all the female singers singing about their booty? If I had a daughter I’d be really upset about the message they’re sending. Used to be bad when men objectified woman down to a body part, but women win Grammy Awards for doing it to themselves? Sad. And the less said about Kim Kardashian’s rear-end mountain the better.

grammy-broken

And while I’m on the subject of music, if Taylor Swift is the best they can do, “in six months we’ll be running this planet,” said one Taylor to another.

planet-of-the-apes-taylor-landon-dodge

Lying Awake With John Newly: The 4th Hour

22 Nov

November 22, 2014

And that’s the news at 3:05 am. Stay tuned for the fourth hour of Lying Awake with John Newly.

Promo for the WKAT listener sweepstakes- “if we pick your cat’s name from our giant listener litter box, you’ll win a KAT Cat Hat! Offer void in the continental United States.”

Strange sci-fi Theremin music swells, announcer with unusually deep voice and a slight lisp speaks.

Lying Awake with John Newly airs six nights a week from midnight to six am. Callers are welcome on the studio line, 1-800-463-WKAT, the international line by calling overseas operator 27, or tonight’s “That Chupacabra ate my pants!” hotline, 1-800-NoMoPants. And now, here’s John Newly.

Music fades out, show begins.

Ghosts, witches, and bagels, we’ve covered it all here tonight. Welcome back to Lying Awake with John Newly. That’s me by the way, John Newly, and if you’ve ever wanted to meet me in person, you can see my tour schedule on the Lying Awake website. My producer Fast Eddie makes sure to keep that up to date. Next week, I’ll be in the Main Street Reading Room in Tombstone Arizona reading an excerpt of my new book, The Devil’s Hidden Chakra. Tombstone Arizona, is that right, Fast Eddie? Tombstone? (Inaudible off mic.) I hope there are still people living there! I’d hate to be all alone in a ghost town! Meanwhile, we’ve been speaking with Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone on all kinds of topics, he’s a self-proclaimed “Mr. Know-It-All Who Knows It All.” We’ll continue our discussion next.

Commercial for DVD- Where Will You Be When The Moon Explodes? How to protect your financial assets from the coming lunar apocalypse.

Commercial for local politician Brad Fergus, advocating higher taxes on everything.

We’re back and before the break, I was asking Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone what he knows about UFO’s. Doctor?

- I know a lot, actually.

What can you tell us?

-What would you like to know? (Laughs.)

Are UFO’s real?

Plan9_3

-Yes.

Yes? They do exist? Flying saucers, aliens, the whole thing?

-Yes, the whole thing and even more!

Simply fascinating. Amazing! Have you seen a UFO?

-Of course! I’ve ridden in them too!

That’s been a dream of mine, and probably of all my listeners out there. I’ve always dreamed about riding in a UFO, but I don’t want to get probed! Do they really do that?

-Yes, but it isn’t really what people think it is.

(Laughing) So it’s not an anal probe, that’s a relief.

-No, no, it is an anal probe.

Hmmm, maybe I’ll rethink that trip! (Laughter.)

-If the aliens want to anal probe you, they’ll anal probe you if you’re on the UFO or not.

Wow, that’s something to think about, isn’t it? We’ll be right back.

 

.

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 456 other followers

%d bloggers like this: