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NEWSFLASH! Volcano Erupts, Sinks Gilligan’s Island

26 May

May 26, 2015

Here’s a news story you may have missed:

Howell fortune

Here’s the text:

VOLCANO ERUPTS, SINKS GILLIGAN’S ISLAND
Thurston Howell III Fortune Feared Lost

AP News Service May 5th, 1981

A volcanic eruption which sunk a small South Pacific island may also have sunk the fortunes of one of America’s most celebrated millionaires.

After weeks of oceanic tremors, scientists confirm that a volcano erupted on the island of Palu Makalu, popularly known as “Gilligan’s Island” since the discovery and rescue of the survivors of the S.S. Minnow shipwreck in 1978. The island is now submerged in the depths off the continental shelf.

Among the survivors was eccentric millionaire Thurston Howell III, who made his fortune in the stock market in the post-war era. He later founded Howell Industries, which produced everything from ticker-tape to typewriter ribbons. Although profits had been declining in later years, due to the changing of technology, he recently doubled his assets after winning a bet on the Harlem Globetrotters to beat their robotic duplicates, in a match played at his resort on the island.

A spokesman for Mr. Howell released the following statement:

“The rumors of the loss of the Howell fortune are greatly exaggerated. When the island sank, it took with it 55 trunks of cash and bonds, which Thurston Howell III buried on the island to keep it safely away from the constant misadventures of Gilligan. However, Mr. Howell has invested heavily in new technologies, and we are confident that his acquisition of controlling interest in Betamax tape and 8-track cartridge corporations will position Howell Industries for future success in the 80’s and beyond.”

The other castaways, reacting to the loss of their island home of 14 years, universally blamed Gilligan for causing the eruption with one of his silly blunders.

In a related story, scientists say the Palu Makalu tribe of native headhunters may now be extinct.

Imponderable #126: That Guy On The Radio Is Trying To Kill Me

11 May

May 11, 2015

Imagine this. You’re driving along and you hear the text message sound on your phone. You look at it but there’s no message. Then a voice on the radio says “Did you just look at your phone?” And the sound plays again and you look down again. Then the voice on the radio says “You did it again, didn’t you?”

That actually happened to me.

It was a public service announcement about the dangers of texting and driving. This is a real psa that is currently airing here in New York, maybe where you are too. It goes on to warn you that an average text takes your eyes off the road for five seconds and that it is dangerous to text and drive.

Well, OK, true, so why did they play the sound not once but twice? That was twice I could have been tempted to look away from the road. I didn’t look at my phone, and maybe you wouldn’t either, but I am sure there are teenagers who are so addicted to their phones that they looked down both times. Is it worth the risk if even one person was fooled into thinking it was real? And did I say they played the sound twice? In a 30 second commercial they played the dangerous sound a ridiculous 5 times. It’s like they are trying to goad people into a wreck.

What are they thinking? Would they hand people a loaded gun and encourage them to play Russian Roulette?

The question is Imponderable.

You can hear the dangerous ad for yourself right here, courtesy of the Ad Council. Please don’t listen in the car. https://www.psacentral.org/campaign/Texting_and_Driving_Prevention/asset/Look_Down/13971

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