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I Was The Life Of The Party Of The First Part

24 Oct

October 24, 2014

I’ve rarely demonstrated any respect for the legal profession. And really, what have they done to earn my respect? Let’s take today as an example.

I had to give a deposition in a lawsuit today. Almost three years ago I was involved in a car accident and I had to go to downtown to meet my lawyer, who was assigned by the insurance company, to discuss what was going to happen. Yes, the accident was almost three years ago. “Wheels of justice grind slow but grind fine,” said Sun Tzu. We’ll see.

It was nasty out, cold and rainy, and the one and only other time I had to give a deposition it was nasty out, cold and rainy, but that time I was taking the Staten Island ferry to Manhattan, this time I was taking the subway to downtown Brooklyn, a nearly better situation.

I was on time and no one else was. First to arrive (15 minutes late) was my lawyer, who looked, talked, and acted like Willie Degel, from the Food Network’s Restaurant Stakeout.

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Next to arrive (30 minutes late) was the opposing lawyer. During the course of my disposition, he asked me my address, I told him, and then we had an off the record sidebar about whether or not he once had an office in my building. He was adamant that he did. I was adamant that he did not, on the grounds that he claimed that my building was two stories when it in reality six stories. Good lawyer that he is (though probably not) he challenged not his own faulty memory but mine, until I showed him my ID with the floor of my apartment on it. Of this I am sure: my building has more than two floors, otherwise I am somehow hovering many feet in the air when I come home.

Yes, he challenged me on if I was lying under oath about how many floors my building has. Luckily, that was as contentious as the session got.

While we were waiting for the stenographer, there was plenty of time for small talk. First, my lawyer showed me a picture of his neighbor’s house, all decorated for Halloween. I still have no idea how this came up. One moment he was talking about how his office had a faulty vent, the next minute he was showing us his neighbor’s house the way other people show their newborn’s pictures. Then he talked about his house out in the woods. Then he asked the other lawyer about his iPad and suddenly the light bulb went on over my head. That explained how he afforded the house.

I know the stereotype is that lawyers are all rich, but I also know that isn’t true. These guys made good money I am sure (one of them talked about how he was buying a second house) but the secret of their wealth?

They are ridiculously cheap.

My lawyer talked about how he didn’t buy an iPad until he had gotten enough gift cards as presents to cover it. The other lawyer said he bought his iPad refurbished from Apple. My lawyer chimed in with the fact that he bought a refurbished coffee maker. The conversation then steered to discount batteries before the stenographer finally arrived (45 minutes late).

Everything went normally from there until we realized the stenographer was a loon. First, she couldn’t begin until she had two glasses of water. Oh, sorry, I need to be accurate- she needed one and half glasses of water, sitting at the ready beside her. And it had to be one and a half because she made a point of spilling out half a glass.

Then, she would not stop blabbering about her dog.

“My dog hates this weather.” “My dog hates when I leave him.” “My dog yada yada yada….”

It all went well until about 20 minutes into my deposition when, interrupting a lawyer, she yelled “do you hear that noise? WHAT IS THAT NOISE????” The lawyers heard nothing but I, sitting closest to her, thought I heard the sound of people from below the window. But nope, that wasn’t it. She was hearing “cartoon characters” from “under the table.” She got under the table to find them too. (Unsuccessfully.)

The whole thing wrapped up in an hour and if it goes to trial, it won’t be for at least a year. Too bad, because I’m looking forward to finding more about those discount batteries.

 

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Comic Book Men on AMC, Part 2: Allan Keyes!

12 Oct

October 12, 2014
This was originally written in August of 2013, but it is only now being published. It has never been posted, until today.

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I few weeks back, I mentioned that Mr. B and myself were in a certain town in New Jersey for a certain appointment that I couldn’t mention.

Well, now the legalities have been observed, I am free to spill the beans: the town was Red Bank, NJ and Mr. B and myself were in town to film an episode of the AMC show, “Comic Book Men”

Yup, THIS Comic Book Men:

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My episode may or may not have aired, and I may or may not have sold the item to the fine gents of the Secret Stash. I’m going to be vague on some specifics because: A) I want to keep my identity on the down low, but mainly B) I look god-awful hideous on camera and if I had my way, Mr. B and I would drive all over Bedrock Brooklyn roping down the TV antennas to keep everyone from seeing the shame that is my appearance. It didn’t help that I’ve never seen an episode of the show or that I didn’t really like Kevin Smith movies much either (though he is good when on Opie and Anthony). Or maybe it did help. I dunno.

In the meantime, Mr. B was happy as a pig in slop. He got to play an extra in the background while I made my transaction. While the guys on the show were cutting me and my item down with barb after barb, Mr. B just kept rifling through the used comics in the background. That was always the sort of thing I wanted to do. Remember in Empire Strikes Back, the commander in the AT-AT who radios Vader that the rebel’s generators are in sight and he can start his landing? And there was a snow trooper just standing there silently next to him? THAT’S THE ROLE I ALWAYS SAID I WANTED TO HAVE! And Mr. B got to do it!

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Anyway, how I came to be on the show was pretty interesting. I’ve been selling lots of my old junk on eBay lately and a casting producer trawling for potentials shot me an email asking if I wanted to apply. Mr B. was all over this – he was hot for me to do the show. Me, I just wanted to sell my item. But Mr. B was a trooper. The whole casting process took maybe a week. I emailed a form, submitted an unintentionally hilarious casting video (pro tip: if you want to describe the items you’re selling, it helps to show the covers instead of the back boards like I did) and a few phone conversations later, I was booked to come down to Red Bank to shoot. Money line from the producer: “Come dressed decently but not too well – it is a comic shop after all”

I have to say, it may be a show about a comic store, but every single person I dealt with was the height of professionalism as well as being extremely helpful. Thanks to all of them for making our experience even cooler!!!!  Dear AMC:  GIVE THE COMIC BOOK MEN CREW RAISES. SIGNED, ALLAN KEYES.

I don’t have a lot of behind the scenes scuttlebutt to describe. The production HQ was across the street from the store (and I will let Mr. B describe the store in detail. I really didn’t have time to see it in detail, more’s the pity) Mr. B and I waited for about an hour in the “green room” (really a small curtained off room with some duct taped Superman posters on the wall) while the crew did their thing in another part of the building. I was given some papers to sign, I was mic’ed, my items were taken for “glamour shots”, and my clothing was camera checked. When it was time, we were escorted across the street to the store, Mr. B was given his spot, and I was sent in and given my instructions. Stand here, on my cue, walk up to the counter, give the guy my books and start talking. Unfortunately, there was no little dude with a beret and that old school clapper yelling “action!”

The three guys I dealt with were extremely cool. Kevin Smith wasn’t there to waste his time with a peon such as myself. The guy in the Superman outfit above was incredibly knowledgeable, and the bearded barbarian guy was HILARIOUS and cool as hell to deal with – he got off some of the best lines of the segment.  The guy with the Godzilla body struck me as a bit of a prickly guy, but that’s based on extremely limited and interaction and for all I know he was playing a part, so I don’t really have an opinion of him, except he knows his stuff.

Are those segments real? I can say that it’s like wrestling: yes, it’s real-ish.

The guys knew beforehand what I was coming in with, and they knew what they wanted to speak about (and the director was helpful in steering the conversation between takes) but in all honesty, the conversation and haggling was basically ad libbed for the most part, and it went in some weird directions that I’m sure will be edited out (too bad)

Once the initial transaction was done, they shot it again, with the director telling what angles needed to be given more play, but once again, the conversation was organic and just flowed, this time in a different direction.

Once it was done, that was it. Thanks for coming, hope you had fun, we’ll let you know when the episode airs, and on to the next guy. And for Mr. B and myself, it was onto that classic arcade and then lunch, where we went to a pizzeria and I had something called an “Italian hot dog” that really was not satisfying lunch material.

From what I can tell, the cast and crew really love doing that show.

I’m extremely happy I did this – it was one of the cooler things I’ve done. And I’m going to recommend people watch the show now (not my episode though which might or might now have already aired) since the guys are EXTREMELY funny and worth watching.

So that’s my star turn. I’ll try not to let it get to my head!

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Mr. B here. See how old this is? Opie and Anthony were still together. In the next blog, I’ll fill in the blanks, tell you about the extras you see in the background, explain why Kevin Smith bold-face lies when he says on the podcast “tell me what came into the store this week,” my disappointment with the Stash, and how we were invited back, one year later, to do the exact same thing all over again.

 

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