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Not-So-Imponderable #1: The [CENSORED] From China

29 Jun

June 29, 2014

Before we begin, a notice from The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride:

nsfw

I often get on Japan for being, let’s face it, totally weird. Sexbots, sexbots, sexbots everywhere! Now before you hop on a jet to the Land of The Rising C-, no, no I won’t go there, beware! The following product was invented across the sea in China.

TADA!

Hey, baby. Come here often?

Hey, baby. Come here often?

This, ladies and gentlemen (but mostly gentlemen), is the world’s first fully automatic hands free sperm extractor.

Or as I call it, the Roboblow. And yes, it does just what you think it does.

The effortless machine features a massage pipe that can be adjusted to suit the height of the user. All the gentleman has to do is plug in the frequency, amplitude and temperature and off they go. It’s also fitted with a small screen for those feeling uninspired.
The reason this is not an Imponderable is that this was inevitable. Sure so far it is only installed in hospitals, but can you think of a better machine to put in a bar? This will totally change the dating scene forever.

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Lego Time!

22 Feb

February 22, 2014

A little over a week ago, I introduced you to The Palace Cinema, the Lego set which I would build during my recovery. (Don’t worry, the operation went well. The doctor tells me I didn’t need all of those parts anyway, and my insurance company recently went out of business so there was no need to worry about things like sponges or anesthesia. Those just drive up the cost anyway, and take it from me- doctors who work out of their attics are very cost conscious.)

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I never built anything out of Lego, even when I was a kid. (I was more of a tea party and scones GI Joe kind of kid.) And this set has almost 2200 pieces. Big pieces, small, pieces, and lots and lots of tiny prices that get lost in the rug. This was going to be a challenge. If I’ve learned anything in my nearly two days of building, it is this: It takes forever to sort those pieces out, and even longer find the one you want when there are only two of them in a set of thousands. Sure, there are 987 long grey girders, but there were only 2 tiny brown “L” shapes. This would not be the case if I were building a life-size movie theater.

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100_0093100_0094Of course, this is all hampered by the fact that I had a four-hour operation, a debilitating operation, and my movements tend to be stiff and I have to get up and move every so often or I just get sore and achy and Legos all over the place.

But all is going well so far. I don’t want to go on too much or post too many pictures (Captain Pigheart may sue me for stealing his gimmick- one of them, anyway) but I’ll let you know how this turns out, and also, if you care, how my recovery is going. I still can’t sleep through the night, but at least I have something to do at 3 am. 100_0117

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Allan Keyes: Gamer Without Game

10 Feb

February 10, 2014

keyes1.jpg

So I wanted to do some blogging about some gaming that seemed to have become a thing: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/01/31/eve_online_erects_mashedup_memorial_to_biggest_space_fight_in_history/

A single missed micropayment sparked off an epic interstellar battle on EVE Online that was so costly the developers have decided to erect a permanent monument to the conflict.

CCP Games, the Icelandic firm behind the massively multiplayer online role-playing game that has over 500,000 subscribers, said the battle in the B-R5RB sector of the Immensea game-space region had dwarfed anything seen in the game’s 11-year history. Ships valued at $330,000 have been destroyed in a 21-hour battle in which 7,548 gamers destroyed assets that had taken years to accumulate.

I say I WANTED to do a blog, because this is so effing tiring just reading it. 7,500 gamers participated in a 21-hour battle????  And here I thought that the time me and my two best (only) friends had that 3 hour ColecoVision blowout while my parents went shopping for my orthopedic shoes was EPIC.  What the hell do I know I suppose??? Not that I know about these online games – I’m strictly a console fanboy, living on the Gears of War/Call of Duty highway.

game1

I have to give some of these guys credit – in this game, it seems that it takes months/years to build up your coalition, control your territory, build all those ships. And then to basically have it ALL flushed away if you’re on the losing side….have to say it, these guys had some set of brass balls. I mean, what do you think the losers did? Hang themselves? Quit the game? I mean, I barely had the patience to level up on the Intellivision version of Burger Time, and when I died, I threw a huge glass of Hi-C at the TV.

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Or maybe it was the collective “ah, fuck this – I’m getting bored” of thousands? I mean, who hasn’t spent lots of time building something up and then just tearing it down to shit because you finally, irrevocably lost interest in it?

But what I really want to know – 21 hours? DUDE.  Who lasted the entire battle and what did you do when it was time to go to the bathroom????

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