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I’ve Seen That Hamburglar Before

9 May

May 9, 2015

McDonald’s, in an attempt to become hip and adult, unveiled the newest version of its children’s cartoon character, the Hamburglar.

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                                    Nope, nothing creepy here, move along.

Wait, a minute, I know him! I know who that is! Alert Mayor McCheese! Wake up Officer Big Mac! I am about to blow the lid off of this! Get my reward ready!

The new Hamburglar is the WWE’s own Repo Man!

Believe it or not, this man was once part of Demolition

                                Believe it or not, this man was once part of Demolition

However, Grimace remains at large.

 

More Snappy Answers To Newser Headlines, Again

13 Apr

April 13, 2015

Hi gang! And I mean that literally. A big “hi and hello” to the Satanic Ugnaughts, a biker gang in Muncie Indiana. Their leader, Big Stan Satan, writes me every week. Unfortunately, I can’t share any of his comments, they may incriminate him. Anyway, here it is, another installment of Snappy Answers To Newser Headlines. As usual, the last time I did this, I was swamped with responses!

“Cease and desist.” -Newser
“Cease and desist.” -Abrams and Smith, attorneys for Newser Inc.

And here are the newest headlines. I can’t wait  to read your raves!

n1

“Russia Hackers Had Access to Obamas Schedule”

The White House has now given more Presidential access to the Russians than it has to the Republicans.

n2

“Dr. Andre Van Der Merwe says patient’s life was ‘just Hell'”

Sure, but imagine the poor Doctor, having to explain to people what he does for a living. “I’m a penis transplant surgeon!” Well, at least he has piles of cash to console himself with.

n3

“Kansas Bill: No Welfare Cash at Movies, Psychics”

What, no more welfare money for psychics? Someone should have seen that one coming.

n4

“Judge: Go Ahead, Serve Divorce Papers on Facebook”

Why not? It’s probably the cause of the divorce anyway

n5

“Rare Black Flamingo Seen In Cyprus.
It’s hard to miss among its peers”

Minutes later it was shot by the police.

Cyprus Black Flamingo

John Newly Is Shilling Some Stuff (Lying Awake #8)

10 Apr

April 10, 2015

ANNOUNCER: Lying Awake with John Newly will be back after these words from our sponsor

Hi, this is John Newly and I’m talking with my guest Kai Folger in what may or may not be a commercial since this spot is designed to mimic the sound and format of my talk show. Hmm, I may be violating some FCC rules here.  Kai, great to have you on.

-Hi John, always good to be here.

Now Kai, Carnischleppa has been called the miracle drug of the century. What is it?

– Carnischleppa is simply the world’s greatest plant extract. It’s a miracle cure for almost everything.

Kai, I have a list in front of me of literally tens of thousands of diseases your miracle Carnischleppa pills cure. I’m not allowed to read this on the air in America, but wow, the list is extensive. Is Carnischleppa really as good as you say it is?

– It is John.

Wow!

-There was a time when only the five richest kings of Europe could afford it. In fact, it was so scarce in America that the President had it personally airlifted to the White House by a crack team of commandos so he could try it.

That’s amazing!

– John, we guarantee that when you take Carnischleppa, you’ll get results. Now, I can’t guarantee what those results will be, but you will have results. Guaranteed!

Kai, before I end this hard hitting interview, tell my listeners how to get a free sample of Carnischleppa, the amazing miracle cure that I’ve extensively researched by reading the bogus claims on your website.

-Sure John. You can get your totally free sample of Carnischleppa by sending only $75 to cover postage and handling to Carnischleppa, Los Burritos California, OU812.

That’s a fantastic offer, but my listeners are very hard to convince. I understand you have a special offer tonight just for Lying Awake listeners.

-I do John. For tonight only, your listeners can get a second bottle of Carnischleppa miracle cure pills for only an additional $15, plus another $75 postage and handling.

You heard it here folks! Get your free bottle of Carnischleppa today. Thanks again to my guest, Kai Folger. Kai, I can’t wait to have you on again.

– Thank you John.

miracledietpillforentrepreneurs

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