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This Is The Next Big Thing!

17 Feb

February 17, 2015

You know, breaking into Hollywood isn’t as easy as it looks. I had a great idea for a movie, the sci-fi family epic Hamsterus! Well that didn’t get me a deal with Spielberg. I have no idea why. What’s wrong with a touching film about the love between a young boy and his giant radioactive hamster? I don’t get it. So I set my sights a little lower and came up with the TV pitch President Hobo. Wouldn’t a show about a homeless President be a great fit with Scandal or Criminal Minds? For some reason no one else thought so. I even shopped around Murderchimp. I still don’t know what exactly I had planned for it, or even what a Murderchimp is, but even before I could set up a meeting my agent dumped me. But I went back to the drawing board. I don’t give up that easy, no matter how many people throw me out of their office.

I had another brilliant idea! Since movies and TV weren’t for me, I was going to single-handedly revive the art of Old Time Radio drama! Yes! I was going to bring about a new Golden Age of a medium that no one cares about anymore. I had it all planned out and I was going to start with a revival of The Shadow, my favorite show. In a nutshell, The Shadow is a bored rich guy who uses hypnosis to convince everyone he’s invisible. Perfect for radio- everyone’s invisible!

Problem is, those bastards at Conde Nast who own the rights served me with a cease and desist order. And after I had already written 275 scripts! Well, I’m nothing if not creative, so with a little smart editing I got rid of The Shadow and wrote in my totally new and completely unique character, El Kabong. I’m shopping it around now, but just to get some buzz going, here’s a sample.

THE SHADOW EL KABONG IN “THE PHANTOM GANGSTERS”

Mysterious music swells.

ANNOUNCER: The Shadow El Kabong, mysterious character who aids the forces of law and order, is in reality Lamont Cranston Louie Crandall, wealthy young man-about-town. Years ago in the Orient South, Lamont Louie learned the strange and hypnotic power that allowed him to cloud fog men’s minds so that they cannot see him. Lamont’s Louie’s companion, the lovely Margot Lane Margie Long, is the only one that knows to whom the voice of the invisible Shadow El Kabong belongs. Tonight’s drama: “The Phantom Gangsters.”

Isn’t that great? And totally original! Here’s an action scene:

EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh! Give it up, Phantom Gangsters! You have heard my mysterious laugh! I have you surrounded.

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Surrounded? You’re only one guy, how can you have us surrounded?

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: Yeah, and we can’t even see you. What are you, chicken? Too afraid to come out and face us man to man?

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: That’s right, man to man to man! There’s two of us you know!

EL KABONG: I am not hiding. I am El Kabong!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: El Kabong!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Hey, I heard of this guy, he’s invisible or something.

EL KABONG: I may be invisible but I assure you my guitar is solid as a rock!

SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OW! HEY! Where’d that guitar come from?

ANOTHER SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: UGH! That hurt!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: How many guitars do you have, anyway?

EL KABONG: El Kabong has many guitars. The guitars of justice!

MORE SOUNDS OF GUITARS SMASHING OVER HEADS

PHANTOM GANGSTERS 1 and 2: We give up! We give up!

EL KABONG: Margie, call commissioner Walcott. Tell him he can collect the Phantom Gangsters, courtesy of El Kabong. Heheheheheheheh!

MARGIE: Yes El Kabong!

EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Jeez, always with the laughing. What’s wrong with this guy?

YET ANOTHER GUITAR SMASH

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OK! OK! You don’t have to be so touchy!

There you go! Spread the word! I’ll get The Shadow El Kabong on the radio any day now, I can feel it!

Shadow Kabong

 

 

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Did I Slip Into The Twilight Zone?

25 Jan

January 25, 2014

I was hospitalized for a short time this week. Nothing serious, but I had to stay for two nights. I was in a room with another man, who had the bed nearest the door. I was nearest the window and the curtains were drawn between us, meaning that I couldn’t see what happened on the other side of the room.

It was getting late, around 11:30. The room was dark but we were both awake watching TV. I couldn’t see the events I am about to relate, but this is what I heard.

NURSE: You can’t go in there.
OLD SOUNDING WOMAN: Why not?
NURSE: That’s a room for men. You can’t go in.
OLD SOUNDING WOMAN: Why not?
NURSE: Would you like some men walking into your room?
OLD SOUNDING WOMAN: Are they alive or dead?

There was a long pause, after which the nurse, in a slightly shaky voice, said “They’re alive.”

I heard nothing else from either of them after that, and no one came into the room, so that was the end of the story.

Did I manage to avoid the Angel of Death? Was I saved from a trip to the morgue like in the Twilight Zone? Or was there just a slightly demented old woman wandering around my wing of the hospital that night?

I slept a little less easily that evening.

tzone

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I Even Found The Count on eBay!

18 Jan

January 18, 2015

Ebay, you gotta love it. Want to find a broken video game? They’ve got it. The last card you need to complete your Dukes of Hazzard trading card set? It’s there. A rare Etruscan nose snood? Oh, sure. And then there’s this:

Dracula Gilbert listing

Hey look at that! A Dracula figure. Sweet.

Wait, is that Dracula? Let’s take a closer look.

Dracula Gilbert

That’s not Dracula, that’s Gilbert Gottfried!

Gilbert by two

Dracula Gottfried! This is so cool! I always wanted a Count Gilbert figure ever since he made his first appearance many years ago on the Howard Stern Show!

Dracula Gottfried

 

 

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