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Your Daily Fortune for January 15th, 2015

15 Jan

January 15, 2015

YOUR DAILY FORTUNE™ FOR JANUARY 15th, 2015 WILL BE PREDICTED BY THE FORTUNEBOT 5000™.

Hello. I am the Fortunebot 5000™. I am calculating your Daily Fortune™ based on over 6 million variables, including your past history, the weather on the day you were born, and the 2016 Seattle Mariners spring training schedule.

Your Daily Fortune™ will be ready shortly.

While you wait, have you considered that this may be a good time to try new Carter’s Toothpaste™? Carter’s Toothpaste™ now has  21% more fluoride. Carter’s Toothpaste™ is a proud sponsor of Your Daily Fortune™. Carter’s Toothpaste™. Proudly carcinogen-free since 2006.

Your Daily Fortune™ is now ready.

Your teeth may be in danger of cavities. Please see your dentist immediately.

 

 

 

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New Year’s Eve in Brooklyn 2014/2015 (Part 3)

10 Jan

January 10, 2015

There were a few other people in the parking lot, all of them much less drunk than the guy on the steps. Notably, there was family of 5 or 6, with a couple of kids who couldn’t be older than 8,  just standing around their SUV, all of them dressed in party hats, blinking glasses, and all the usual New Year’s Eve bling you can only wear one night in your lifetime. They were slightly confused, all looking around, seeing nothing but the darkened boardwalk, and it didn’t take a mind reader to know what they were thinking: “This is it?”

The parachute jump was lit up, its neon colors throwing reflections on the scarce windshields in the parking lot, there were two police cars parked on the boardwalk, and a few random people walking around, in vain, to find the party. There were more people sitting in their cars and avoiding the freezing wind, hoping that at 9 o’clock something, anything, would begin.

As much as I’d like to say that there was more, much more, the truth is that well yeah, that was pretty much it.

But I went looking for more.

And I almost found it.

 

To Be Continued

Parkinglot_empty

 

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Part 2: New Year’s Eve in Brooklyn 2014/2015

9 Jan

January 9, 2015

We knew the ball was being dropped in Coney Island but we didn’t know where. We drove past the Aquarium, past Nathan’s (where I very cruelly did not get a hot dog), past the Cyclones ballpark, past the parachute jump, and not past another single block since it was dark and the neighborhood gets sketchy fast once you pass the parachute jump.

There were no crowds, no traffic, no signs of a party at all. Obviously they meant some other Coney Island, not this one. So we literally drove from one end to another at 8:45, only 15 minutes before the event was to, allegedly, begin. People start camping out in Times Square on November 3rd for New Year’s Eve, but in Coney Island not a single person?

Surely we were in the right place.

Surely it was the right time.

Surely we made a mistake?

There was no mistake, because just as I left I saw a sleepy security guard in a bright orange vest reflected in my headlights. He was leaning against a sign that said NEW YEAR’S EVE! FREE PARKING! If I saw this same guy with that same sign in front of a vacant lot I’d figure it was a scam and I’d end the evening locked in my own trunk wearing nothing but my underwear, but this was the official parking lot for the boardwalk so I gave it a chance.

The lot was almost (but not quite) totally deserted and I parked not a dozen yards from the parachute jump, where I saw the first signs of life: a drunk sitting on the steps.

But he was wearing a party hat. This must be the place.

Sadly, it was.

 

To Be Continued.

 

pigpen

 

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