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I’m Worried About Pete Rose

16 Apr

April 16, 2015

Here’s the increasingly doughy Pete Rose in his latest commercial.

I’m worried. Why can’t Pete be in the hall? Is he going to get lost? Wander upstairs? Get attacked by ninjas?

Is he going to get confused by all that white carpet? Take batting practice and break a lamp? Slip into the Twilight Zone?

OK, before you start thinking I don’t get it, I know very well that it is a play on Pete not being allowed in the Hall of Fame. (And rightly so. That’s what he gets for picking a fight with Bud Harrelson in the 73 NLCS.) But this commercial is so stupid! He’s not allowed in the hallway in his own home?

Is this an indication that Pete has dementia? Early onset Alzheimer’s? Does Pete need constant supervision? Is Pete liable to end up lost in the backyard?

I’m worried about Pete Rose.

Unpopular Science

15 Apr

April 15, 2015

A couple of issues back, Popular Science (their motto: we’re not really popular, we just have a big ego) published an article about how to build a DIY hovercraft. For those of you not in the know, DIY means “do it yourself,” which is what I plan to tell my kids someday.

So “Hey,” I thought. “I always wanted to ride around in a hovercraft.” So I read a little further and found that it was an article about how to build a DIY hovercraft out of a pair of paper plates.

Clearly I was not going to do much hovering on that.

But hey, I kept reading and for sure, I learned a few things.

1- I would need to go out and buy three small fans (with particular wiring requirements)
2- I would have to use a drill and attach the fans with certain screws that I would also have to buy somewhere to the paper plates.
3- I repeat- I would be using a power tool to put a tiny hole in a paper plate. Isn’t a safety pin good enough?

I already had the paper plates, but I did not have the fans with the particular wiring requirements, the right size screws, a bracket to hold the batteries, or the technical ability to follow the directions.

Making the “hovercraft,” and I use the term loosely as it is made of paper plates, required following a complex schematic and some precision drilling. And what did the article say I would end up with? I am paraphrasing, but it more or less said that I’d end up with an expensive paper plate that hovered an inch or two off the ground.

I’d get better results with a Frisbee and a dog in the park.

The month before, Popular Science had the directions to build some DIY electronic thing that had more warnings than your average Fukushima reactor. And what did it do? It was an umbrella stand that lit up when it was rainy out. Seriously.

Here is the actual hovercraft diagram from the magazine:

supplies-hovercraft

Helpful, isn’t it?

And here’s an actual step from the directions:

Saw two corners off each fan case, leaving the wired corner and the one opposite attached. Arrange the fans inside the top plate as in step 1, and pass nylon screws, from below, through the eight mounting holes in both the top plate and the fans.

Note that I have to use a saw to lop off part of the fans. For a paper plate toy!

I’m not sure this is worth losing a thumb over.

On their site you can also find an article on, and I swear I am not making this up, how to build a laser-sighted blowgun for only $3. What could possibly go wrong?

Planning Ahead For Summer

14 Apr

April 14, 2015

I’ve been thinking about how to spend my summer vacation. (I need something cool to write for my “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” essay when I go back to school in September. Man, fifth grade is going to be tough.) I’ve decided that I’m going to make a movie.

I’m not worried about the little details. I’m sure things like dialogue and plot will come to me as I go along. I’m worried about the important issues, like how many guys in gorilla suits I’ll need, and how much gratuitous nudity can I convince the actresses to do? (This brings up a good point- I may need to buy a casting couch.)

Anyway, I don’t know what kind of movie I’m going to make, but I’m sure it will be cool. I’m going to have Kung Fu fighting gorillas, some sort of space monster with a million eyes, and a life-size cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lawrence.

QUESTIONS:

As the filmmaker, do I have to supply the popcorn to the movie theater, or do they have some sort of deal with Jiffy Pop? (And as the movie maker, can I get a kickback? Just a few bucks on every bag of popcorn sold will do.)

Where can I buy those really big reels they put the film on? And where do I get film anyway? Best Buy only sells digital cameras, no film needed. I could shoot it all on my iPhone, but I don’t want to have to pass it around to everyone in the theater when it comes time to show it.

When I go to the Academy Awards, do I have to walk down the red carpet or can I go in the back? I really don’t want the paparazzi asking me embarrassing questions, like how much I spend on my sneakers.

See you at the show!

director

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