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On behalf of all men, I apologize.

21 Oct

October 21, 2014

On behalf of all men, I apologize to intelligent women everywhere.

Specifically, I apologize for this insipid, ridiculous Sprint ad, which could only have been created by a male advertising executive. (Advertising executives are pretty much on the bottom of the ladder of tastefulness, only rivaled by used car salesmen and members of Congress.)

I apologize for this commercial, which makes otherwise adult and seemingly intelligent women turn into superficial children, little more than giggling screaming, orgasmic banshees at the mere thought of a new phone.

It is dumb and offensive, plain and simple.

I am sorry, ladies. I apologize.

sp5

And Judy Greer, you should know better. 

 

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Another Night With John Newly

18 Oct

October 18, 2014

Strange Theremin music plays in the background.

Lying Awake with John Newly airs six nights a week from midnight to six am. Callers are welcome on the studio line, 1-800-463-WKAT, the international line by calling overseas operator 27, or the special “I’m calling from a UFO hotline,” 1-800-UFO -IGOT. And now, here’s John Newly.

Music fades out, show begins.

Good morning everyone, it’s after midnight and we’re Lying Awake. I’ve got a great show for you tonight. Out first guest will be Professor Victor Danzig to discuss his latest breakthrough in the field of animal thought transference and with him is Abbott Curry, who spent a week living the life of a chicken. Wow, that’s amazing stuff. Later on we’ll do some ghost hunting with Peter Blake and we’ll also talk to a man who claims that sunspots can sure acne. But first, I’ll be taking your calls right after these messages.

Commercial for WKAT 463 am radio’s listener anti-bullying Old Western Cook-Out and Jamboree, sponsored by Mike’s Meat.

Commercial for John Newly’s new book, The Psychic Way to a Clean Colon.

Promo for the WKAT afternoon drive program, Jo-Jo and the Spot.

We’re back and my producer Fast Eddie tells me that we’ll have to reschedule ghost hunter Peter Blake for another night. Apparently he’s having phone troubles. But that just means we’ll have more time for your calls. It’s a quarter past the hour and our first caller is Pete from Tampa Florida. Welcome to Lying Awake, Pete.

-Hello?

Hi Pete, go ahead, you’re on the air.

-I have a question for the chicken man.

He’ll be on later in the hour, be sure to call in again. Next up, let’s try the international line. Hello, who do we have?

-Hi, my name is Louis. I’m calling from France but I’m originally from The United States. Hello?

I’m here, what’s on your mind?

-Well, back when I was a kid, we had these things we called straws, only they weren’t straws, they were like these things we rolled up. I lived on a farm. Well, we had these straws which you made by rolling up like a shoot of wheat.

Uh huh.

-But it didn’t have to be wheat, it could be barley or corn leaves, or whatever, and we’d chew on them, like out of the corner of our mouths, you know, like a straw, all rolled up?

I think we can all picture it Louis.

-So I’m wondering, like you know how you hear all about GMO’s nowadays? I’m wondering if maybe all those straws I put in my mouth maybe had the GMO stuff in them and gave me mouth cancer? 

What did your doctor say?

- Well has says I don’t have any cancer in my mouth, but you know, I’m worried. I’m 84 an what if one day I get the mouth cancer?

Only your doctor can prescribe a course of treatment, but I always believe in the power of positive thought. Just imagine that you don’t have mouth cancer and I bet you won’t get it. We’ll be back with Professor Victor Danzig and Abbott Curry, who lived as a chicken for an entire week, right after this.

how-to-buy-live-chicken_WidePlayer

Comic Book Men on AMC, Part 2: Allan Keyes!

12 Oct

October 12, 2014
This was originally written in August of 2013, but it is only now being published. It has never been posted, until today.

keyes

 

I few weeks back, I mentioned that Mr. B and myself were in a certain town in New Jersey for a certain appointment that I couldn’t mention.

Well, now the legalities have been observed, I am free to spill the beans: the town was Red Bank, NJ and Mr. B and myself were in town to film an episode of the AMC show, “Comic Book Men”

Yup, THIS Comic Book Men:

cbm

My episode may or may not have aired, and I may or may not have sold the item to the fine gents of the Secret Stash. I’m going to be vague on some specifics because: A) I want to keep my identity on the down low, but mainly B) I look god-awful hideous on camera and if I had my way, Mr. B and I would drive all over Bedrock Brooklyn roping down the TV antennas to keep everyone from seeing the shame that is my appearance. It didn’t help that I’ve never seen an episode of the show or that I didn’t really like Kevin Smith movies much either (though he is good when on Opie and Anthony). Or maybe it did help. I dunno.

In the meantime, Mr. B was happy as a pig in slop. He got to play an extra in the background while I made my transaction. While the guys on the show were cutting me and my item down with barb after barb, Mr. B just kept rifling through the used comics in the background. That was always the sort of thing I wanted to do. Remember in Empire Strikes Back, the commander in the AT-AT who radios Vader that the rebel’s generators are in sight and he can start his landing? And there was a snow trooper just standing there silently next to him? THAT’S THE ROLE I ALWAYS SAID I WANTED TO HAVE! And Mr. B got to do it!

keyeswars

Anyway, how I came to be on the show was pretty interesting. I’ve been selling lots of my old junk on eBay lately and a casting producer trawling for potentials shot me an email asking if I wanted to apply. Mr B. was all over this – he was hot for me to do the show. Me, I just wanted to sell my item. But Mr. B was a trooper. The whole casting process took maybe a week. I emailed a form, submitted an unintentionally hilarious casting video (pro tip: if you want to describe the items you’re selling, it helps to show the covers instead of the back boards like I did) and a few phone conversations later, I was booked to come down to Red Bank to shoot. Money line from the producer: “Come dressed decently but not too well – it is a comic shop after all”

I have to say, it may be a show about a comic store, but every single person I dealt with was the height of professionalism as well as being extremely helpful. Thanks to all of them for making our experience even cooler!!!!  Dear AMC:  GIVE THE COMIC BOOK MEN CREW RAISES. SIGNED, ALLAN KEYES.

I don’t have a lot of behind the scenes scuttlebutt to describe. The production HQ was across the street from the store (and I will let Mr. B describe the store in detail. I really didn’t have time to see it in detail, more’s the pity) Mr. B and I waited for about an hour in the “green room” (really a small curtained off room with some duct taped Superman posters on the wall) while the crew did their thing in another part of the building. I was given some papers to sign, I was mic’ed, my items were taken for “glamour shots”, and my clothing was camera checked. When it was time, we were escorted across the street to the store, Mr. B was given his spot, and I was sent in and given my instructions. Stand here, on my cue, walk up to the counter, give the guy my books and start talking. Unfortunately, there was no little dude with a beret and that old school clapper yelling “action!”

The three guys I dealt with were extremely cool. Kevin Smith wasn’t there to waste his time with a peon such as myself. The guy in the Superman outfit above was incredibly knowledgeable, and the bearded barbarian guy was HILARIOUS and cool as hell to deal with – he got off some of the best lines of the segment.  The guy with the Godzilla body struck me as a bit of a prickly guy, but that’s based on extremely limited and interaction and for all I know he was playing a part, so I don’t really have an opinion of him, except he knows his stuff.

Are those segments real? I can say that it’s like wrestling: yes, it’s real-ish.

The guys knew beforehand what I was coming in with, and they knew what they wanted to speak about (and the director was helpful in steering the conversation between takes) but in all honesty, the conversation and haggling was basically ad libbed for the most part, and it went in some weird directions that I’m sure will be edited out (too bad)

Once the initial transaction was done, they shot it again, with the director telling what angles needed to be given more play, but once again, the conversation was organic and just flowed, this time in a different direction.

Once it was done, that was it. Thanks for coming, hope you had fun, we’ll let you know when the episode airs, and on to the next guy. And for Mr. B and myself, it was onto that classic arcade and then lunch, where we went to a pizzeria and I had something called an “Italian hot dog” that really was not satisfying lunch material.

From what I can tell, the cast and crew really love doing that show.

I’m extremely happy I did this – it was one of the cooler things I’ve done. And I’m going to recommend people watch the show now (not my episode though which might or might now have already aired) since the guys are EXTREMELY funny and worth watching.

So that’s my star turn. I’ll try not to let it get to my head!

______________________________________________

Mr. B here. See how old this is? Opie and Anthony were still together. In the next blog, I’ll fill in the blanks, tell you about the extras you see in the background, explain why Kevin Smith bold-face lies when he says on the podcast “tell me what came into the store this week,” my disappointment with the Stash, and how we were invited back, one year later, to do the exact same thing all over again.

 

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