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Mr. Blog’s Super Bowl Preview!

29 Jan

January 29, 2016

 

Super Bowl 50 is right around the corner and you know what that means! It is time for Mr. Blog’s annual Pigskin Preview! I must note for those of you who do not eat pork that footballs are no longer made from pigs, so this blog is safe for your consumption.

As long time readers of this blog know, Mr. Blog is a huge football fan. A quick search of this site will turn up no less than TWO football themed blogs. (OK, technically, I didn’t write them both, Allan Keyes wrote one, and technically they were really just making of Rex Ryan and trolling Jets fans, not so much about football.) But I still have football cred: I once saw an actual NFL game, in person, at Giants Stadium. I also saw an XFL game there too, but the less said about that the better.

The Big Game is being played this year in San Francisco. San Francisco is the home of the 49ers, but they aren’t in the Super Bowl. They went a dismal 5-11, which means they will be watching two much better teams battle it out on their home turf. (Feel the burn, ‘Niners! Or maybe I should say “feel the Bern,” this being an election year. I have no idea if Bernie Sanders is a football fan, but I am sure that if he is elected, he will legislate the Super Bowl out of existence, seeing as how it is unfair that only deserving teams get in.)

This year, the Carolina Panthers will be facing the Denver Broncos, in what is sure to be a fantastic matchup because I think at least one of those teams has Peyton Manning. If his Papa John’s Pizza commercials are to believed, he’s one heck of a quarterback. And he also makes a tasty pizzalucy-football

Tickets for the Super Bowl sold out in less time than it took to sell them, believe it or not. The NFL should really look into that. If you want to buy a ticket legally, you should probably forget it, but if you want to pay the exorbitant prices a scalper will charge you, I know a guy on 18th Avenue. Meet him in back of the pizzeria at 9:00. Last year, scalped tickets were sold for up to – hold onto your hats!- $48,000, according to CBS.com. Do you know how many overseas brides you can buy for that kind of money? Um, uh, no, neither do I. Let’s move along. Really, I have no idea, prices have gone up since I, um… yeah, let’s move along.

Meanwhile, the most important question about the Super Bowl is not who will win (the bookies) but who will be performing the halftime show. This is a very important slot. While millions of fans flock to the bathrooms to make room for more beer, viewers who would never, ever, watch a football game rush to their TVs to see which big name is performing. This year, the NFL announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger would be making his singing debut and performing his song “I Smoke Huge Cigars,” but he canceled at the last minute and was replaced with something called Coldplay, with special guest Beyonce. Yeah, good luck with that.

However, millions of fans will flip channels at halftime to watch The Puppy Bowl, in which cute little puppies run around, drink water, and poop in a cute little stadium. The Puppy Bowl even has competition, The Kitten Bowl, and I am not making that up. So far there is no gerbil bowl. (Insert your own Richard Gere joke here.)

Overall, the Super Bowl is sure to be an exciting game for the millions of people who bet huge sums of money on it. And most of that huge money was bet by advertisers, who spent tons of cash to get their ads on TV during the game. The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride wanted to showcase the new Tepid Ride commercial during the second quarter, but with our budget, we were only able to buy an ad on Telemundo. Look for us at 3am during a Goya Bean game show.

 

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NewsFails July 2015

23 Jul

July 23, 2015

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

Hi. I am a lifelong New York resident who would love to attend your school or university. I think that I can write some things pretty good, and I am willing to learn how to write some other things. If you accept me to your fine school or university, I promise that I will never write anything like these things below that I am going to show you.

Thank You Very Much,
Regards
Sincerely.

Bruin Z. Othello

newserw1

“Loon lake?” This article was about a loon on a lake, if you ask me.

Look, it is pretty simple. Most cats are not seafaring cats. They do not like the water. Taking a cat on a canoe is just asking for trouble. I bet that cat turned the man to kibble and kitty litter before he was 3 feet away from the dock.

newserw2

Sorry Dina, porn does not count.

I wonder if any of the offers were for her to be in a snuff film? Not that I’m saying she’s a bad actress (OK, yeah, I’m saying it) but she wouldn’t even make a convincing dead body.

The Metro is, I think, free here in NYC. They hand it out near subway stations, yet has the best headline writer of the bunch.

newserw3

Evann Gastaldo, how do you do it? How do you keep a straight face? Even the cat in the canoe article was credited to anonymous editors and staff. Glad you’re proud of this.

“So a priest, a rabbi, and a farting drummer walk into a bar.” Got it. I just wonder what it would have cost if the window was closed? Would paramedics have been called?

newserw4

I am sure that a couple of surveillance cameras would have been far less expensive.

At times like this, I am jealous of the highly trained journalists at Newser. When I write about people pooping a warehouse it is for laughs. When they do it, they get paid. If I got paid for every article about poop I wrote I’d be a millionaire. (Wait, what does that say about my blog? Uh…)

And here we are, the highlight of the month. This article was so good that I had to run it in its entirety. Here he is, The World’s Sexiest Gorilla. And wouldn’t you know it, this story comes out of Japan. (Click to enlarge.)

newserw5

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

I think I changed my mind. I don’t want to be associated with any of this. Please send my application over to Hamburger University instead.

Thanks
Your Pal

Bruin Z. Othello

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