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Another Night With John Newly

18 Oct

October 18, 2014

Strange Theremin music plays in the background.

Lying Awake with John Newly airs six nights a week from midnight to six am. Callers are welcome on the studio line, 1-800-463-WKAT, the international line by calling overseas operator 27, or the special “I’m calling from a UFO hotline,” 1-800-UFO -IGOT. And now, here’s John Newly.

Music fades out, show begins.

Good morning everyone, it’s after midnight and we’re Lying Awake. I’ve got a great show for you tonight. Out first guest will be Professor Victor Danzig to discuss his latest breakthrough in the field of animal thought transference and with him is Abbott Curry, who spent a week living the life of a chicken. Wow, that’s amazing stuff. Later on we’ll do some ghost hunting with Peter Blake and we’ll also talk to a man who claims that sunspots can sure acne. But first, I’ll be taking your calls right after these messages.

Commercial for WKAT 463 am radio’s listener anti-bullying Old Western Cook-Out and Jamboree, sponsored by Mike’s Meat.

Commercial for John Newly’s new book, The Psychic Way to a Clean Colon.

Promo for the WKAT afternoon drive program, Jo-Jo and the Spot.

We’re back and my producer Fast Eddie tells me that we’ll have to reschedule ghost hunter Peter Blake for another night. Apparently he’s having phone troubles. But that just means we’ll have more time for your calls. It’s a quarter past the hour and our first caller is Pete from Tampa Florida. Welcome to Lying Awake, Pete.

-Hello?

Hi Pete, go ahead, you’re on the air.

-I have a question for the chicken man.

He’ll be on later in the hour, be sure to call in again. Next up, let’s try the international line. Hello, who do we have?

-Hi, my name is Louis. I’m calling from France but I’m originally from The United States. Hello?

I’m here, what’s on your mind?

-Well, back when I was a kid, we had these things we called straws, only they weren’t straws, they were like these things we rolled up. I lived on a farm. Well, we had these straws which you made by rolling up like a shoot of wheat.

Uh huh.

-But it didn’t have to be wheat, it could be barley or corn leaves, or whatever, and we’d chew on them, like out of the corner of our mouths, you know, like a straw, all rolled up?

I think we can all picture it Louis.

-So I’m wondering, like you know how you hear all about GMO’s nowadays? I’m wondering if maybe all those straws I put in my mouth maybe had the GMO stuff in them and gave me mouth cancer? 

What did your doctor say?

- Well has says I don’t have any cancer in my mouth, but you know, I’m worried. I’m 84 an what if one day I get the mouth cancer?

Only your doctor can prescribe a course of treatment, but I always believe in the power of positive thought. Just imagine that you don’t have mouth cancer and I bet you won’t get it. We’ll be back with Professor Victor Danzig and Abbott Curry, who lived as a chicken for an entire week, right after this.

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I Predicted This: How Hollywood Russell Predated The New Stonehenge Discovery

29 Sep

September 29, 2014

Did you see this headline last week? This story made news around the world.

henge

Turns out the Stonehenge is really huge, much bigger than we thought. Basically, researchers had been walking around, over, on top of, all kinds of crazy structures and objects, and not all of them were buried. A lot of the hills and mounds turned out to be hiding structures right in plain sight. Scientists were basically having picnics on top of those pretty hills and never realized what was going on right below.

This is why I should have been a Stonehenge researcher, because I would have discovered those mounds and buried objects ages ago. You see, I already had that theory 30 years back.

It was the late 80’s/early 90’s, somewhere in that area, and my friend and I were hanging out at Kings Plaza, Brooklyn’s version of a shopping center, working on various ideas for stories that we’d never write. Both of us were interested in Old Time Radio and most of our ideas tended to fit in the horror or detective genre. Sometimes both.

We had an idea for a show called The Corpse. It would be about a crime-solving corpse. (We put the emphasis on solving to differentiate it from all the other crime-committing corpses.) Basically, a bunch of Scooby Gang types would ride around with a dead man in the back of their car and they’d communicate with it by Ouija board.

JOE: Quick corpse, tell me, who’s behind the big bank robbery?
PETE: I’m getting something now. “B-I-G-B-R-U-C-E-F-R-E-E-D-K-I-N.” It’s Big Bruce Freedkin!
JOE: There’s something else coming through!
PETE: “D-U-C-K.” Duck? What’s that mean?
(SOUND OF A SHOTGUN BLAST)
JOE: They’re shooting at us! That’s what it means! Duck!

We also had an idea for a show called The Adventures of Seamus O’Reilly. Seamus was a sheep and his owner, Mother O’Reilly, was knitting him a sweater because he looked cold. She was knitting him a sweater out of his own wool. See why it never got made?

There was also someone called Stoop Nagle, but for the life of me I can’t remember if he did anything more than sit on a stoop.

All this brings me back to Stonehenge and the unlikely first adventure of Hollywood Russell.

In Hollywood’s first adventure, the plan was that he’d been tracking either smugglers or Nazi spies (or both) who were using a small plane to fly in and out of Coney Island unseen. Eventually the bad guys, fearing that Hollywood was getting too close, buried the plane under the Coney Island beach sand. From ground level you couldn’t see anything but some large dunes. Families would climb on them, kids would play on them, and no one could tell there was a plane below. Only when Hollywood went to the top of the parachute jump and got an aerial view could he see the outline of the plane buried below, kind of like the famous Nazca lines down in South America.

For some reason we found that idea farfetched (wonder what those Stonehenge guys would think?) and changed the story so that the plane was buried under the parachute jump during its construction. But that was even more ridiculous, especially considering that the boardwalk was between the beach and the attraction. Then things got worse from there.

And there you have seven degrees separation between Stonehenge and Hollywood Russell.

 

 

 

Today in Future History: August 27th, 2938

27 Aug

August 27, 2014

Thank you for your inquiry into August 27, 2938.

However, due to the events of August 27, 2014, this date in time no longer exists.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

 

 

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