May 20, 2014
A stage play of Space Suspense and Space Action! Set in Space!
The place: Spaceship XR-17, somewhere out in Space!
The time: The future, but not so far in the future that people have stopped wearing pants.
Duke Spaceace, captain of the XR-17
Larry “The Cable Guy” Sputnik, a crewman
Robot the Robot, a robot that pretends he is not a robot. He isn’t fooling anyone
Commander Louie Mazola, an alien from the planet Merkin
ACT ONE: On The Bridge
CAPTAIN SPACEACE is sitting in the captain’s chair. ROBOT is plugged into an outlet next to the refrigerator. Enter LARRY “THE CABLE GUY” SPUTNIK.
LARRY: Captain, I’ve fixed the space engine. The spaceship should be working A-Okay.
CAPTAIN: Good work, Larry. Hey, that’s a nice pair of pants.
LARRY: Thanks. I read somewhere that in the future people will stop wearing pants.
CAPTAIN: Get on the space phone and call Space Command. Tell then that the space engine is fixed and we’re ready to resume our space mission.
LARRY: I’ve been trying to call them for the last 15 space minutes but all I get is their space answering machine.
CAPTAIN: Flarking spleeznuts! Robot! Hey, Robot, get over here!
The ROBOT unplugs himself and walks over.
ROBOT: I keep telling you, I’m not a robot.
CAPTAIN: And I keep telling you, you have a zircon hyperzoid space computer where your liver should be. That’s a dead giveaway.
LARRY: Plus you’re made of plastic.
ROBOT: That’s a skin condition!
CAPTAIN: Whatever. Look, keep trying to call Space Command. If you get through, tell them we’re continuing on our space vector to planet Ernest Borgnine 9. If you can’t get through to an operator, press seven and just leave a message.
LARRY: I think their tape is full.
CAPTAIN: This is the 83rd century and they don’t even have a digital answering machine?
ACT TWO: In Deep Space
CAPTAIN: Space is sooo boring. Are we there yet?
LARRY: How do I know? Whenever I try to look out the window all I see is my own reflection.
CAPTAIN: I keep telling you, turn out the light and then look out the window. You’ll see fine. Hey, Robot!
LARRY: Captain, we really don’t-
CAPTAIN: Robot! Get over here. When are we getting to Ernest Borgnine 9?
ROBOT: In about 8.129477476930 space hours, give or take .67838090 space minutes. (To himself): I’m not a robot, I’m just precise.
CAPTAIN: (To LARRY) See? That wasn’t so bad.
ROBOT: However, there are many variables to consider.
LARRY (shoots a nasty look at the Captain): Wanna bet?
ROBOT: First, this area of space is noted for its variable gravity fields, which could throw my calculation off by as much as .23%
CAPTAIN: Well, hey, that’s no big deal, why don’t we-
ROBOT: But also consider the third moon of the local binary star. It has been known to emit zeton radiation, which acts as a repelling force to our space engines.
CAPTAIN: I really don’t think-
ROBOT: There are also more local concerns, such as the mass of our cargo, which has shifted downwards .09% since the start of our journey, which can act to increase our speed.
CAPTAIN: So I say that-
ROBOT: But our biggest concern should be the fact that we are being held in a tractor beam emitted by the Merkin warship off our starboard bow.
CAPTAIN: Merkins! I have no use for them.
ACT THREE: In Communication With The Merkin Commander.
CAPTAIN DUKE SPACEACE is arguing with Merkin Commander Louie Mazola over the space video phone. The Merkin is very hairy.
MERKIN: You’ve got 10 space minutes to get your space junk out of Merkin space or we’ll blow you into little itty bitty space pieces.
CAPTAIN: Stop calling my ship space junk! I bought her new and she’s almost paid off.
MERKIN: Nah nah! XR-17 is a comet’s tail! Nah nah!
CAPTAIN: I’ve had enough. Say what you want about me but leave the XR-17 out of this. I named her after my girlfriend and I’m very sensitive about her.
LARRY: Your girlfriend is named XR-17?
CAPTAIN: Yes. You’ve never met her. She’s a model. And she’s rich. We’re going to get married.
MERKIN: Enough of this nonsense. Get out of here already!
ROBOT: Captain, I’ve finally gotten through to an operator at Space Command. It cost us 99 space cents per space minute, but I have new orders for us.
CAPTAIN: Talk to you later, Louie. (Shuts off the space video phone.)
MERKIN: Hey, wait a- (cut off as screen goes dark.)
CAPTAIN: What did they say?
ROBOT: Space Admiral Bobo wants us to reverse course and return to Earth. He says that there’s a problem with our warranty.
CAPTAIN: What warranty?
LARRY: When you upgraded the robot to Windows 72 you used a bootleg copy.
CAPTAIN: It was cheaper!
ROBOT: So that’s why I can’t download any updates!
LARRY: I thought you said you’re not a robot.
ROBOT: Yeah, yeah, whatever. (Storms off the bridge.)
CAPTAIN: Larry, tell the Merkin commander he wins. I didn’t want to go through his stupid space anyway.
EPILOGUE: (Just Like A Quinn Martin Production)
LARRY: We never did get to Ernest Borgnine 9.
CAPTAIN: No, but we got something better.
CAPTAIN: We got rid of the stupid robot. I sold him for scrap and bought some really cool decals for the ship. Look, this one’s an eagle!
LARRY: You know, these pants really are nice.
THE SPACE END!