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John Newly Is Slightly Confused (Lying Awake With John Newly 6)

5 Mar

March 5, 20115

Lying Awake With John Newly theme song, Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior, ends.

John Newly: Who are you going to call? Why you’re going to call me! Hi, I’m John Newly, your overnight airwaves-buster, and this is Lying Awake with John Newly. Later tonight we’ll be talking with Peter von Strauss about his new book, called President Obama is Just What You Think. I’ve read some of part of one of the chapters of that book and let me tell you, it gave me something to think about. Also tonight we’ll have our regular Wednesday guest, Laura Millings, and she’ll share her investigation into the strange odor reported coming from a pants factory in Detroit. We’re going to start off with some phone calls after these words from our sponsors.

Commercial for WKAT’s Lawrence Welk tribute gala and charity hat-doff.

Commercial for John Newly’s new DVD, Worker in the Blight: How I Caught a Spiritual Flu.

We’re back and tonight I’ve opened up a special “unhealthy dog” phone line. Call in to talk about your unhealthy dog.  Just remember, I’m not a veterinarian, so if I try to prescribe your dog some medicine, you should probably not listen to me. First caller, Ellen from Billings Montana, you’re on the air.

388259-tinfoil-top

Caller: Hi John I heard your-

– Billings Montana. Is it cold there?

– show last night. Well, it snowed last night, so yeah, I’d say it’s cold. (Laughs). The reason I’m-

– I bet you get snow all the time in Montana! You should be used to it by now!

– Right, well, I just moved here. Anyway, on your show last-

– I move around a lot too. I used to be in the military. Are you in the military?

– No, I, no…

– Well thanks for the call. Wow, more snow. I think we’ve all had enough of that. Maybe it’s time to do another of our positive thought experiments. OK, everyone concentrate on no more snow. If it is snowing where you are you really have to concentrate hard. No snow. No snow. I’m looking out my studio window and right now it isn’t snowing. (Inaudible, off mic) My producer Fast Eddie just pointed out that it hasn’t snowed here in days. Well, maybe that’s because of my positive thoughts! (Laughs), there’s always a skeptic in every bunch.

We’ll take some more phone calls in just a minute, but first, ask yourself, do you run out of energy when you’re in the middle of a psychic reading? Do your crystals seem to be cloudier than they used to be? Friends, I’ve got just the solution. Call 1-800-555-WUZZIT for a guaranteed psychic solution. Now I can’t legally tell you what it is over the air, but if you go their website, wuzzitnotascam.com, you’ll see everything you can get for only $29.99. I sent them my money and I still haven’t gotten my box, but I was so amazed that I ordered two more anyway. Call now!

 

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In Search of… Sasquatch

27 Feb

 

February 27, 2015

From the celebrity wing of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride, I present this Classic Repost in honor of Bruce Vilanch. Some may wonder why I chose February 27th to honor Mr. Vilanch. To them I respond, there is no bad time to honor Bruce Vilanch.

October 19, 2010

This is the fourth in a series of in-depth and hard-hitting exposés of some of the legendary creatures of cryptozoology. Previous reports focused on the chupacabra, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Monkey Man of New Delhi. You can also find the Mummy of King Tut, Atlantis, the Roswell UFO Crash, Satanic Cults, Demonic Possession, and Zombies, the Winchester Mystery House, and the Devil’s Footprints.

Sasquatch. Yeti. Abominable Snowman. Skunk Ape. Bruce Vilanch.. Legends of unknown and unexplained tall and hairy ape-like hominids have been reported around the world. Even a short list is a lot to type:

Could this be the Canadian Nuk-luk?

Almas – Mongolia
Amomongo – Philippines
Ban-manush – Bangladesh
Barmanou – Afghanistan and Pakistan
Batutut – Vietnam
Bigfoot – North America
Chuchunya – Siberia
Fear liath – Scotland
Fouke Monster – America
Grassman – America
Hibagon – Japan
Mande Barung – India
Mapinguari – South America
Momo the Monster – America
Nuk-luk – Canada
Orang Mawas – Malaysia
Orang Pendek – Indonesia
Skunk ape – America
Yeren – China
Yowie – Australia

Frankly, that’s too much territory. We’ll focus on Sasquatch. Why? Because I live in North America and that makes us neighbors. It would be very embarrassing if the Sasquatch decided to drop by unexpectedly, even more so if he didn’t exist.

Habitat

Native American lore is full of stories about creatures resembling descriptions of Sasquatch across the country. These giant ape-like people were supposedly here before the arrival of the Indians. They lived as one with nature. The Indians traded with them and respected their areas. Some even regarded the Sasquatch as gods. However, by the time the Europeans arrived, there was no trace of the Sasquatch. No explanation has yet been found for the Sasquatch’s disappearance, but it is worth noting that the in the native Hekawi language, “sasquatch” means “burgers.”

Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, can be found almost anywhere in the United States and Canada. They usually stay in remote wooded areas, though when around humans they try to blend into their surroundings. This Bigfoot was found at a monster truck rally.

However, not all Sasquatch are as patriotic and most do not display the flag.

Proponents of Sasquatch point to what they call the overwhelming proof: footprints, photos, films, audio recordings, and eyewitness accounts. Skeptics point to the facts that no one has captured a living Sasquatch, found a dead Sasquatch or the remains of a Sasquatch, and all the photos seem to be pretty bad fakes. Pro-Sasquatch supporters retort that we’ve yet to see the change President Obama promised but many still believe in that too.

The Patterson Film.

This is the most famous evidence of the Sasquatch. According to Roger Patterson, he was walking through the woods near his home in California when he saw what he believed to be a female Sasquatch walking through the growth. Grabbing his movie camera, he shot some of the most well known images of Bigfoot. The short film, less than two minutes in duration, has been analyzed more times than the Erin Andrews peephole video. Although most agree that the film was untouched, scientists were split. Some said the film was undoctored and showed a Sasquatch. Others said it was undoctored but showed a man in an ape suit. In 2006 a consensus was reached that film was real and untouched, but did not show either a Bigfoot or a man in an ape suit. It was Michael Moore.

Of course, the bigger mystery is, why was Roger Patterson stalking Michael Moore? Conspiracy theories abound, the most likely of which is that Patterson just became sick of Moore’s wacko nonsense.

What else do we know about the Sasquatch?

The Bigfoot is often misidentified. Commonly mistaken for it are bears, Chewbacca, and professional wrestlers.

Perhaps a potentially plausible primitive primate possibility?

Gigantopithecus

This was a giant primate that lived in China thousands of years ago. Somehow, it spread throughout the world and has become the basis of the Yeti, Sasquatch, Vilanch, etc legends. How did it do this without being seen? Beats me.

A final word.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Bunk! Bunk, I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot’s droppings or shut up!
Ranger Park: I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot.
(Futurama)

That sums up the Sasquatch debate as neatly as anything else I’ve heard.

Imponderable #124: Journalism in Ghana

24 Feb

February 24, 2015

This article comes from a Ghana website, which may help explain quite a few things.

myst1

I could say a lot about this story, but ever since I read about the panty-stealing goblin of Zimbabwe I’ve been a bit jaded.

But regardless, the real Imponderable is about the author of the story. Here’s his bio from the site:

myst2

Daniel Russell. Reporter – Pulse. A student of Central University College. A writer and entertainment analyst, am a simple anti-social dude sometimes a freak, am a workaholic who is working hard to become a mogul and a film maker.

So I guess it doesn’t take much to write for Pulse.

The question is obvious and Imponderable.

‘Nuff said.

 

 

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