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This Week On Lying Awake With John Newly

2 Nov

November 2, 2014

And we’re back. It’s 2:45 and this hour we’ve been talking with Chet Humpty from the Oregon Association of Junior Transdimensionalists. Amazing stuff.

I want you all to know that the new Lying Awake newsletter is out, Lying In Print. In it, you can read about all of the hot topics we’ve covered on the show. In this issue, is ISIS behind Ebola? A pair of former NASA whistleblowers debate whether or not there are there fish on the moon. Could you be invisible to radar? Just imagine what you could do. My producer Fast Eddie asks “is your DNA safe?” and gets some surprising answers, and in my monthly column, Newly News, I reveal the ten secrets to using crystals to housebreak your chupacabra.

We’ll continue our conversation with Chet Humpty but first, here’s what’s coming up next week on Lying Awake.

conspiracy-theorist

On Sunday night, guest host Wink Martell will be joined by Sgt. Ramon Raquello, a pilot in the Bolivian air force, to discuss his fifteen year study of migrating salmon.

On Monday, I’ll be hosting a night of open lines. I’ll be taking calls on my special “ghost mother” hotline. If you have a ghost mother, call in and tell us your story.

Tuesday’s topic will be “I have Ebola but my wife doesn’t know it!” Call in if you’re hiding the Ebola virus from a loved one.

On Wednesday I’ll play “Name That Cough!” Every ten minutes, a past guest will call in and I’ll try to identify them from their unique coughs. Last time we played I couldn’t identify anybody! I’ll try to do better this time. My producer, Fast Eddie, wants me to assure you that their coughs have nothing to do with Tuesday night’s Ebola topic.

Thursday night I’ll have in the studio three old hippies from Woodstock to tell us what it was like back then.

Friday night is the return of our always popular Bigfoot Bingo. Download your very own Bigfoot Bingo card from the Lying Awake website and play along at home.

On Saturday, guest host Sgt. Ramon Raquello, a pilot in the Bolivian air force, will be here to talk to previous guest host Wink Martell.

You know, sometimes I wish I was a listener at home so I could just lay back in bed and listen to these great shows I’ve got coming up. But then I realize that there would be no one to do the shows! If only Strickland Von Weir was right. I had him on last week and he said that I have a doppelgänger who flips burgers at a Gooey Burger in Mobile Alabama. I could get him to do the show while I stay home and listen. Problem is, they’d have to find someone else to flip the burgers! Hmm, maybe a second doppelgänger? That would blow my mind.

We’ll be back right after this word from Nebulous Enterprises.

 

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Taylor Swift’s Top Ten Crazy Demands

4 Oct

October 4, 2014

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Taylor Swift’s Top Ten Crazy Demands

According to this article, Taylor Swift has been making some crazy demands of her limo company. Here, in no particular order, are her Top Ten Crazy Demands.

1- Limo drivers are not allowed to talk to Taylor Swift. This includes these phrases:

  • Hello.
  • Please fasten your seatbelt.
  • Oh my god that truck is going too fast!
  • Are you OK?
  • Blink twice if you can hear me.

2- All radios within 50 feet of Taylor Swift must be electronically altered so that they cannot play any music by Harry Styles.

3- Anyone allowed to speak to Taylor Swift may not make eye contact. They should instead make eye contact with a target which an assistant will hold up approximately 3 feet behind Taylor’s left shoulder.

4- There should always be 3 boxes of tissues on hand at any time for use after a messy breakup.

5- Any person in the same room as Taylor Swift for no less than 15 minutes will be considered to be in a relationship with her and may be the subject of a song.

6- All persons are forbidden to mention Mr. Blog or Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride in Taylor Swift’s presence.

7- Anyone spotting Jake Gyllenhaal must, without regard to personal safety, rush over to him and punch, hit, or kick him hard enough to make him cry, just like Taylor Swift did after he took her virginity and then didn’t even show up for her birthday party.

8- Do not immediately call for medical aid for Taylor Swift if she goes into convulsions. She may just be trying to “shake, shake, shake it off.”

9-Taylor Swift may only be photographed with professional lighting and a personally picked photographer. If none is available, a well-known portrait painter represented in the Louvre may be substituted.

10- In the event that Katy Perry and Taylor Swift are in the same room, please provide Taylor Swift with a private room for her to tweet nasty things about Katy.

I Predicted This: How Hollywood Russell Predated The New Stonehenge Discovery

29 Sep

September 29, 2014

Did you see this headline last week? This story made news around the world.

henge

Turns out the Stonehenge is really huge, much bigger than we thought. Basically, researchers had been walking around, over, on top of, all kinds of crazy structures and objects, and not all of them were buried. A lot of the hills and mounds turned out to be hiding structures right in plain sight. Scientists were basically having picnics on top of those pretty hills and never realized what was going on right below.

This is why I should have been a Stonehenge researcher, because I would have discovered those mounds and buried objects ages ago. You see, I already had that theory 30 years back.

It was the late 80’s/early 90’s, somewhere in that area, and my friend and I were hanging out at Kings Plaza, Brooklyn’s version of a shopping center, working on various ideas for stories that we’d never write. Both of us were interested in Old Time Radio and most of our ideas tended to fit in the horror or detective genre. Sometimes both.

We had an idea for a show called The Corpse. It would be about a crime-solving corpse. (We put the emphasis on solving to differentiate it from all the other crime-committing corpses.) Basically, a bunch of Scooby Gang types would ride around with a dead man in the back of their car and they’d communicate with it by Ouija board.

JOE: Quick corpse, tell me, who’s behind the big bank robbery?
PETE: I’m getting something now. “B-I-G-B-R-U-C-E-F-R-E-E-D-K-I-N.” It’s Big Bruce Freedkin!
JOE: There’s something else coming through!
PETE: “D-U-C-K.” Duck? What’s that mean?
(SOUND OF A SHOTGUN BLAST)
JOE: They’re shooting at us! That’s what it means! Duck!

We also had an idea for a show called The Adventures of Seamus O’Reilly. Seamus was a sheep and his owner, Mother O’Reilly, was knitting him a sweater because he looked cold. She was knitting him a sweater out of his own wool. See why it never got made?

There was also someone called Stoop Nagle, but for the life of me I can’t remember if he did anything more than sit on a stoop.

All this brings me back to Stonehenge and the unlikely first adventure of Hollywood Russell.

In Hollywood’s first adventure, the plan was that he’d been tracking either smugglers or Nazi spies (or both) who were using a small plane to fly in and out of Coney Island unseen. Eventually the bad guys, fearing that Hollywood was getting too close, buried the plane under the Coney Island beach sand. From ground level you couldn’t see anything but some large dunes. Families would climb on them, kids would play on them, and no one could tell there was a plane below. Only when Hollywood went to the top of the parachute jump and got an aerial view could he see the outline of the plane buried below, kind of like the famous Nazca lines down in South America.

For some reason we found that idea farfetched (wonder what those Stonehenge guys would think?) and changed the story so that the plane was buried under the parachute jump during its construction. But that was even more ridiculous, especially considering that the boardwalk was between the beach and the attraction. Then things got worse from there.

And there you have seven degrees separation between Stonehenge and Hollywood Russell.

 

 

 

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