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John Newly Is Slightly Confused (Lying Awake With John Newly 6)

5 Mar

March 5, 20115

Lying Awake With John Newly theme song, Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior, ends.

John Newly: Who are you going to call? Why you’re going to call me! Hi, I’m john Newly, your overnight airwaves-buster, and this is Lying Awake with John Newly. Later tonight we’ll be talking with Peter von Strauss about his new book, called President Obama is Just What You Think. I’ve read some of part of one of the chapters of that book and let me tell you, it gave me something to think about. Also tonight we’ll have our regular Wednesday guest, Laura Millings, and she’ll share her investigation into the strange odor reported coming from a pants factory in Detroit. We’re going to start off with some phone calls after these words from our sponsors.

Commercial for WKAT’s Lawrence Welk tribute gala and charity hat-doff.

Commercial for John Newly’s new DVD, Worker in the Blight: How I Caught a Spiritual Flu.

We’re back and tonight I’ve opened up a special “unhealthy dog” phone line. Call in to talk about your unhealthy dog.  Just remember, I’m not a veterinarian, so if I try to prescribe your dog some medicine, you should probably not listen to me. First caller, Ellen from Billings Montana, you’re on the air.

388259-tinfoil-top

Caller: Hi John I heard your-

- Billings Montana. Is it cold there?

- show last night. Well, it snowed last night, so yeah, I’d say it’s cold. (Laughs). The reason I’m-

- I bet you get snow all the time in Montana! You should be used to it by now!

- Right, well, I just moved here. Anyway, on your show last-

- I move around a lot too. I used to be in the military. Are you in the military?

- No, I, no…

- Well thanks for the call. Wow, more snow. I think we’ve all had enough of that. Maybe it’s time to do another of our positive thought experiments. OK, everyone concentrate on no more snow. If it is snowing where you are you really have to concentrate hard. No snow. No snow. I’m looking out my studio window and right now it isn’t snowing. (Inaudible, off mic) My producer Fast Eddie just pointed out that it hasn’t snowed here in days. Well, maybe that’s because of my positive thoughts! (Laughs), there’s always a skeptic in every bunch.

We’ll take some more phone calls in just a minute, but first, ask yourself, do you run out of energy when you’re in the middle of a psychic reading? Do your crystals seem to be cloudier than they used to be? Friends, I’ve got just the solution. Call 1-800-555-WUZZIT for a guaranteed psychic solution. Now I can’t legally tell you what it is over the air, but if you go their website, wuzzitnotascam.com, you’ll see everything you can get for only $29.99. I sent them my money and I still haven’t gotten my box, but I was so amazed that I ordered two more anyway. Call now!

 

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This Is The Next Big Thing!

17 Feb

February 17, 2015

You know, breaking into Hollywood isn’t as easy as it looks. I had a great idea for a movie, the sci-fi family epic Hamsterus! Well that didn’t get me a deal with Spielberg. I have no idea why. What’s wrong with a touching film about the love between a young boy and his giant radioactive hamster? I don’t get it. So I set my sights a little lower and came up with the TV pitch President Hobo. Wouldn’t a show about a homeless President be a great fit with Scandal or Criminal Minds? For some reason no one else thought so. I even shopped around Murderchimp. I still don’t know what exactly I had planned for it, or even what a Murderchimp is, but even before I could set up a meeting my agent dumped me. But I went back to the drawing board. I don’t give up that easy, no matter how many people throw me out of their office.

I had another brilliant idea! Since movies and TV weren’t for me, I was going to single-handedly revive the art of Old Time Radio drama! Yes! I was going to bring about a new Golden Age of a medium that no one cares about anymore. I had it all planned out and I was going to start with a revival of The Shadow, my favorite show. In a nutshell, The Shadow is a bored rich guy who uses hypnosis to convince everyone he’s invisible. Perfect for radio- everyone’s invisible!

Problem is, those bastards at Conde Nast who own the rights served me with a cease and desist order. And after I had already written 275 scripts! Well, I’m nothing if not creative, so with a little smart editing I got rid of The Shadow and wrote in my totally new and completely unique character, El Kabong. I’m shopping it around now, but just to get some buzz going, here’s a sample.

THE SHADOW EL KABONG IN “THE PHANTOM GANGSTERS”

Mysterious music swells.

ANNOUNCER: The Shadow El Kabong, mysterious character who aids the forces of law and order, is in reality Lamont Cranston Louie Crandall, wealthy young man-about-town. Years ago in the Orient South, Lamont Louie learned the strange and hypnotic power that allowed him to cloud fog men’s minds so that they cannot see him. Lamont’s Louie’s companion, the lovely Margot Lane Margie Long, is the only one that knows to whom the voice of the invisible Shadow El Kabong belongs. Tonight’s drama: “The Phantom Gangsters.”

Isn’t that great? And totally original! Here’s an action scene:

EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh! Give it up, Phantom Gangsters! You have heard my mysterious laugh! I have you surrounded.

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Surrounded? You’re only one guy, how can you have us surrounded?

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: Yeah, and we can’t even see you. What are you, chicken? Too afraid to come out and face us man to man?

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: That’s right, man to man to man! There’s two of us you know!

EL KABONG: I am not hiding. I am El Kabong!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: El Kabong!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Hey, I heard of this guy, he’s invisible or something.

EL KABONG: I may be invisible but I assure you my guitar is solid as a rock!

SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OW! HEY! Where’d that guitar come from?

ANOTHER SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: UGH! That hurt!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: How many guitars do you have, anyway?

EL KABONG: El Kabong has many guitars. The guitars of justice!

MORE SOUNDS OF GUITARS SMASHING OVER HEADS

PHANTOM GANGSTERS 1 and 2: We give up! We give up!

EL KABONG: Margie, call commissioner Walcott. Tell him he can collect the Phantom Gangsters, courtesy of El Kabong. Heheheheheheheh!

MARGIE: Yes El Kabong!

EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Jeez, always with the laughing. What’s wrong with this guy?

YET ANOTHER GUITAR SMASH

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OK! OK! You don’t have to be so touchy!

There you go! Spread the word! I’ll get The Shadow El Kabong on the radio any day now, I can feel it!

Shadow Kabong

 

 

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The Bigfoot Lady. You Expect Us To Believe This?

26 Jan

January 26, 2015

I listen to Coast to Coast AM on a fairly regular basis, at least when I am awake. I avoid a lot of the political and conspiracy topics and try to listen to the UFO and paranormal-themed shows.

Recently, guest host Dave Schrader (who is as bad an interviewer as George Noory- man, he lets his guests ramble! – but is far less unintentionally funny) interviewed a woman who moved into, and continued to live in, a home that was under constant Bigfoot attack.

Sound good? Here are some highlights.

  • When she and her husband first saw the house, it was full of holes. The walls, the roof, inside the stove, everywhere. There was some sort of damage (some of it the woman refused to describe) everywhere. It was extensive and the house needed a lot of repair. And still they bought it!
  • The damage was explained by the seller was coming from her foster children, some of whom had emotional issues.
  • The house was the last one in its row, in “a residential area,” yet was directly across from a “dark and creepy” forest.
  • Strange sounds came from the forest.
  • There were constant sounds of banging and scratching coming from her walls, as if animals were attacking the house.
  • She and her family heard “voices” and saw “peeping toms” outside their windows.
  • Her family’s vehicles were always found with the batteries drained. They believed that they were being used by strange people who lived in the woods and wanted warmth, yet the husband refused to lock the garage since “it was a nice neighborhood.”
  • The woods were, they believed at first, home to odd and dangerous people who lived like animals. Their “kids” (who she later said were 16 and 21!) would leave food in the woods in exchange for their safety.

And all this is before the Bigfoot even enter the story! Eventually she produced “proof”: tapes of alleged Bigfoot howls that could have been either a coyote or a garbage truck, and on the Coast website, a video that showed either a large duck or a small outhouse lurking across the street- seriously, it was a blob-like shadow that was on frame for about 2 seconds. There’s more “proof” on her website, which I won’t name, all of which is about as conclusive.

big_foot_out_house_by_brandtk-d4mh4jw

And then, in a moment of anguish, she emotionally wailed “I don’t understand why people say Bigfoot isn’t real! Don’t they see all this?” Well, no, all we see is a nut.

Is it fair of me to call her a nut? Decide after this.

She also believes Dog-men live in the woods across the street.

Of course, her neighbors saw nothing, and if you do believe in Bigfoot, her story goes against every other single story or account of Bigfoot ever published, so that not only is she making it all up, but she doesn’t even know what it is she’s making up.

So to recap, her house is regularly attacked by Bigfoot (Bigfeet?) who destroy her home, somehow drain the batteries of her cars, peep in her windows, bang on her walls, scare her at night with their talking, and demand food as tribute. They ripped apart the trees in her backyard and despite all the time they spend on her property, she hasn’t managed- or even tried- to snap a single picture of them.

I’m not sure how the Dog-men fit in, but I bet they are not housebroken.

Has she left?

No she has not. And it has been 3 years.

Her story got more and more ridiculous as the night went on, to the point that a caller did what callers very, very rarely ever do on Coast to Coast: He called the Bigfoot Lady out as a liar and a fraud simply making up a story to sell books (she has two).

Coast to Coast has many guests with outrageous stories, but most of the time, they believe them. They either fall for bad pseudo-science or misinterpret scriptures, or, like the case of Richard C. Hoagland, are just total gullible fools. Until recently, Hoagland was the show’s “scientific advisor.” I guess George Noory had to finally distance himself from that kook after he misidentified one too many Martian rocks as Nike sneakers.

I, and most listeners, get a kick out of those guests, but total liars just bring out the anger. No one likes to be played for a fool.

Which brings me to Dave Schrader. He has his own show, and he recently had this woman on that program. So either he buys her nonsense or simply puts her on for her entertainment value.

The woman still fears for her family, so much so that she has gotten to the point where she, well, does nothing about it.

Ah, late night radio.

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