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John Newly Is Taking Calls (Lying Awake #7)

18 Mar

March 18, 2015

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- Ed from Michigan, you’re next on Lying Awake.

- John?

-Go ahead Ed, I’m listening.

- BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY STERN RULES BAB-*

- Hmm, Ed seemed to be talking in tongues. I wonder if he was possessed. Next up, Brad from New York. Hi Brad, how are you tonight

- Uh, I’m ok. Um, I’ve got a question for John.

- I’m John, go ahead with your question.

- Well, what I want to know is, why don’t you stick your head up a dead bear’s -*

- Whoa, whoa. Eddie, who’s screening tonight? That’s Fast Eddie, my producer I’m talking to. No one?

(inaudible, off mic.)

- Seriously? Art used to do unscreened open lines all the time? Really?

(inaudible, off mic.)

- Alright, we have time for one more call before the break. Bob, from Bowie Maryland, you’re on Lying Awake.

- BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY BABA BOOEY HOWARD STERN!

- Sigh, we’ll be right back after these words from all natural herbal formic acid remedies.

- STERN RULES!

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John Newly Is Slightly Confused (Lying Awake With John Newly 6)

5 Mar

March 5, 20115

Lying Awake With John Newly theme song, Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior, ends.

John Newly: Who are you going to call? Why you’re going to call me! Hi, I’m John Newly, your overnight airwaves-buster, and this is Lying Awake with John Newly. Later tonight we’ll be talking with Peter von Strauss about his new book, called President Obama is Just What You Think. I’ve read some of part of one of the chapters of that book and let me tell you, it gave me something to think about. Also tonight we’ll have our regular Wednesday guest, Laura Millings, and she’ll share her investigation into the strange odor reported coming from a pants factory in Detroit. We’re going to start off with some phone calls after these words from our sponsors.

Commercial for WKAT’s Lawrence Welk tribute gala and charity hat-doff.

Commercial for John Newly’s new DVD, Worker in the Blight: How I Caught a Spiritual Flu.

We’re back and tonight I’ve opened up a special “unhealthy dog” phone line. Call in to talk about your unhealthy dog.  Just remember, I’m not a veterinarian, so if I try to prescribe your dog some medicine, you should probably not listen to me. First caller, Ellen from Billings Montana, you’re on the air.

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Caller: Hi John I heard your-

- Billings Montana. Is it cold there?

- show last night. Well, it snowed last night, so yeah, I’d say it’s cold. (Laughs). The reason I’m-

- I bet you get snow all the time in Montana! You should be used to it by now!

- Right, well, I just moved here. Anyway, on your show last-

- I move around a lot too. I used to be in the military. Are you in the military?

- No, I, no…

- Well thanks for the call. Wow, more snow. I think we’ve all had enough of that. Maybe it’s time to do another of our positive thought experiments. OK, everyone concentrate on no more snow. If it is snowing where you are you really have to concentrate hard. No snow. No snow. I’m looking out my studio window and right now it isn’t snowing. (Inaudible, off mic) My producer Fast Eddie just pointed out that it hasn’t snowed here in days. Well, maybe that’s because of my positive thoughts! (Laughs), there’s always a skeptic in every bunch.

We’ll take some more phone calls in just a minute, but first, ask yourself, do you run out of energy when you’re in the middle of a psychic reading? Do your crystals seem to be cloudier than they used to be? Friends, I’ve got just the solution. Call 1-800-555-WUZZIT for a guaranteed psychic solution. Now I can’t legally tell you what it is over the air, but if you go their website, wuzzitnotascam.com, you’ll see everything you can get for only $29.99. I sent them my money and I still haven’t gotten my box, but I was so amazed that I ordered two more anyway. Call now!

 

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This Is The Next Big Thing!

17 Feb

February 17, 2015

You know, breaking into Hollywood isn’t as easy as it looks. I had a great idea for a movie, the sci-fi family epic Hamsterus! Well that didn’t get me a deal with Spielberg. I have no idea why. What’s wrong with a touching film about the love between a young boy and his giant radioactive hamster? I don’t get it. So I set my sights a little lower and came up with the TV pitch President Hobo. Wouldn’t a show about a homeless President be a great fit with Scandal or Criminal Minds? For some reason no one else thought so. I even shopped around Murderchimp. I still don’t know what exactly I had planned for it, or even what a Murderchimp is, but even before I could set up a meeting my agent dumped me. But I went back to the drawing board. I don’t give up that easy, no matter how many people throw me out of their office.

I had another brilliant idea! Since movies and TV weren’t for me, I was going to single-handedly revive the art of Old Time Radio drama! Yes! I was going to bring about a new Golden Age of a medium that no one cares about anymore. I had it all planned out and I was going to start with a revival of The Shadow, my favorite show. In a nutshell, The Shadow is a bored rich guy who uses hypnosis to convince everyone he’s invisible. Perfect for radio- everyone’s invisible!

Problem is, those bastards at Conde Nast who own the rights served me with a cease and desist order. And after I had already written 275 scripts! Well, I’m nothing if not creative, so with a little smart editing I got rid of The Shadow and wrote in my totally new and completely unique character, El Kabong. I’m shopping it around now, but just to get some buzz going, here’s a sample.

THE SHADOW EL KABONG IN “THE PHANTOM GANGSTERS”

Mysterious music swells.

ANNOUNCER: The Shadow El Kabong, mysterious character who aids the forces of law and order, is in reality Lamont Cranston Louie Crandall, wealthy young man-about-town. Years ago in the Orient South, Lamont Louie learned the strange and hypnotic power that allowed him to cloud fog men’s minds so that they cannot see him. Lamont’s Louie’s companion, the lovely Margot Lane Margie Long, is the only one that knows to whom the voice of the invisible Shadow El Kabong belongs. Tonight’s drama: “The Phantom Gangsters.”

Isn’t that great? And totally original! Here’s an action scene:

EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh! Give it up, Phantom Gangsters! You have heard my mysterious laugh! I have you surrounded.

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Surrounded? You’re only one guy, how can you have us surrounded?

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: Yeah, and we can’t even see you. What are you, chicken? Too afraid to come out and face us man to man?

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: That’s right, man to man to man! There’s two of us you know!

EL KABONG: I am not hiding. I am El Kabong!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: El Kabong!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Hey, I heard of this guy, he’s invisible or something.

EL KABONG: I may be invisible but I assure you my guitar is solid as a rock!

SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OW! HEY! Where’d that guitar come from?

ANOTHER SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: UGH! That hurt!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: How many guitars do you have, anyway?

EL KABONG: El Kabong has many guitars. The guitars of justice!

MORE SOUNDS OF GUITARS SMASHING OVER HEADS

PHANTOM GANGSTERS 1 and 2: We give up! We give up!

EL KABONG: Margie, call commissioner Walcott. Tell him he can collect the Phantom Gangsters, courtesy of El Kabong. Heheheheheheheh!

MARGIE: Yes El Kabong!

EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Jeez, always with the laughing. What’s wrong with this guy?

YET ANOTHER GUITAR SMASH

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OK! OK! You don’t have to be so touchy!

There you go! Spread the word! I’ll get The Shadow El Kabong on the radio any day now, I can feel it!

Shadow Kabong

 

 

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