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South Africa May Want To Rethink That Commercial

23 Apr

April 23, 2013

I was watching The Apprentice on Sunday and the contestants had to create an ad for South African tourism. Lil Jon was excited because he wanted to do something exciting about safaris. After all, that is what most people think of when they consider going on a vacation to South Africa. However, the South African Tourism people did not want to focus on that. They wanted to focus on things people don’t immediately think of, like vineyards and golf.

Personally I think that is a mistake. If I want a wine and golf vacation I can stay in the United States and skip the twelve-hour international flight. I can also skip the jet lag, the language barrier, the twelve-hour international flight home, the jet lag on the trip home, the lost luggage, etc, etc, etc.

And there is this: During The Apprentice, Gary Busey repeated ( and repeated and repeated) to the South African executives how years ago, when he was shooting a film in Johannesburg,  he heard some people being murdered right behind his hotel.

That did not go over well with anyone.
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South Africa has been spending a lot of money lately to promote their part of the world. Here in NYC, they sponsor the traffic reports on the all-news station I listen to during my drive to work. However, I am not their target audience. They are aiming at an upscale (and specifically white) demographic that has never considered traveling to South Africa. The attractions they focus on are:

- Golf
-Wine
-The Nelson Mandela Museum
-Beautiful sunsets
- Street festivals

Take out the Mandela museum, and what is on that list that I can’t do in almost any other country of the world? To be fair, one of the people in the radio ad does say there is nothing like hearing a lion roar up close, but on the other hand, I heard lions roar in The Bronx Zoo, The London Zoo, and The San Diego Zoo. And what is a nature preserve in Africa but a bigger zoo?

However, although I think their focus may be misguided, there is a particular part of the radio ad that I truly believe the South African tourism board really needs to rethink. I can’t find it online, and I have not managed to make a recording of it, so I’ll have to describe it to you as best I can.

The premise of the ad is that a man and a woman are describing their recent South African vacation, but there was so much to do that they only have time to talk about their top five favorite things. The couple’s voices and their interests are very, very, stereotypically white. You just know they are the kind of people whose idea of rocking out is to put on some James Taylor and then fall asleep to his sonorous tones. (I’ve seen fire, I’ve seen rain….sssnnnnnzzzzzz.) For an exciting evening they drink an extra glass of wine, watch John Stewart, and phone in a donation to PBS. They may even read a ribald article in The New Yorker.

Anyway, they list the first few things they loved: golf, wine, sunsets, The Mandela Museum. You know, all the stuff people want to see in South Africa, not the wild animals or nature preserves. Not the savannah or native villages. You know, stuff like golf, which I can do right here at home, and wine, which I can get right here at home, and sunsets, which I can see right here at home (or anywhere else in the world- they have the sun in the North Pole too, just not every day.)

I do admit that I can only see The Nelson Mandela Museum in South Africa, but truth be told, I wouldn’t go there anyway. There are plenty of museums in NYC I haven’t been to either.

(And just as an aside, did you see there is a reality show about Nelson Mandela’s family?  What a way to honor your family legacy, Mandelas. You should be so proud. They fight and argue and act stupid like every other stupid reality show. One granddaughter says “when I spend money it has my grandfather’s picture on it!” Ladies and gentlemen, brains like that do not come around every day.)

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But to get back to the radio commercial, there is still one highlight to go. I’ll try to recreate it as best I can.

VERY WHITE SOUNDING MAN: You know, you really impressed me when you joined the Soweto Street Party and learned the latest local dances.
VERY WHITE SOUNDING WOMAN: You weren’t so bad yourself. I didn’t know you had moves like that.
VERY WHITE SOUNDING MAN: You didn’t know you married a Zulu Warrior, did you?
BOTH: HA HA HA HA HA!

Does anyone else see a problem here? Did you catch it?

Go back and reread it.

And now I will rephrase it for you.

WHITE WOMAN: You weren’t so bad yourself. I didn’t know you could dance so well.
WHITE MAN: You didn’t know you married a black man, did you?

Get it? When she compliments his dancing and his rhythm, he compares himself to a black man.

And never mind the fact that the proud history of the Zulu Nation has been dumbed down to them simply being great dancers.

BTW- until I googled it for this post, I was sure he said “Sweater” Street Party.

This could all be attributed to some dumb USA ad agency at work. God knows they create enough dumb ads, but as seen on The Apprentice, the people in charge of the tourism board are a pair of South African women. They really ought to have known better.

Donald Trump with the brains behind South African Tourism.

Donald Trump with the brains behind South African Tourism.

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Shame on You!

14 Mar

March 14, 2013

It was late last night. I wasn’t feeling very good. I was confused about some things and needed guidance. Finding no one near, I turned to the one who will always be there in times of trouble. I spoke to my personal friend and savior, Jesus.

No, god no, not Jesus Christ. I’m talking about Jesus Salvador, the guy who runs the little bodega on 18th avenue. He’s open late and I felt like some potato chips and a cherry coke. We were just tossing the bull when a couple of female behemoths trundled in. (Behemothettes?) They were probably only about 16 but they were already twice as big as me. (That would be three times as big as an average man.) In fact, they were probably about only 50% smaller than an average moose. Ever force yourself to sit through Grease? You know, the prequel to the amazing Grease 2, starring Adrien Zmed? Then you know the queasy feeling I got in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t so much their size as their dress. They wore tight jeans that stopped well short of their waists (such as they were.) In the front their bellies hung over their pants. In the back was a lot of ass crack. Their tops ended a good foot before their pants began so we saw a lot of belly button hair too. They had no shame.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

You should thank me for not posting this full size.

In fact NO ONE has any shame anymore. Take the following episode of The People’s Court, which aired today. (BTW- I used to think that Judge Marilyn Milan was attractive until I saw her in HDTV. My god is that woman haggard! She went from MILF to ZILCH in about two seconds.  HDTV is not the worn out woman’s friend.)

Here’s the description: A night of boozing leads to a wet bed, ruined mattress, and destroyed friendship.

Here’s what happened: Two middle-aged moms went out drinking and got wasted. They went back to one mom’s home and passed out, naked, in bed together. When they awoke there was a wet stain on the mattress and the strong smell of urine. The other mom’s defense? She was taking muscle relaxers and they must have affected her bladder. However, it was no problem because the other woman raised four kids on that mattress and it was full of urine stains.

Read that again before you read the next paragraph. Get all that testimony right in the forefront of your mind.

Now continue.

The woman with the stained bed brought her eleven year-old daughter with her to court to hear all of this testimony. 

I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP! THIS IS FOR REAL! (Thank you, Jesus, for great TV! [Jesus Christ this time, not Salvador from the bodega.])

The testimony got even better. It seems that one woman was, to use her words, “groping” her friend’s boss to make her boyfriend jealous. This led to a testy debate with the judge about whether “groping” was any better than “making out.” As the testimony went on, we heard about many more times that the weak bladder woman ruined beds, and testimony that her boyfriend works late and “he wets the bed all the time.”

The judge, showing the only moment of sanity from anyone in this case, sent the eleven year old daughter out of the courtroom and screamed at the mother for bringing her. “But your honor,” the mother said, “everything I say is true. She can hear the truth.” Well I say SHE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! (YES! I finally got to say that!)

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She can’t take any more of this either.

See what I mean about shame? Shouldn’t these people be ashamed to be on TV? They had a choice. They could have said no, but people will be on TV for anything! Filming a reality show where whoever wears dirty diapers the longest wins a wind chime? They’ll line up around the block. A contest where women squat in barrels and have insects dumped on them? Opie and Anthony did it years ago. And what did the woman win? NOTHING! They got to be on the radio.

If more people had some shame then not only would this be a better world, but maybe I could get some more potato chips before the behemoths buy them all from Jesus.

This Is The Future, Right? (Classic Repost)

12 Sep

September 12, 2012

This has the distinction of being one of the very rare posts I’ve run a third time. Why? I like it.
At any rate, nothing much has changed since 2007 but I’ve pretty much given up my crush on Judy Jetson, she’s such a tease. Plus Sailor Moon is just so much hotter.

from May 12, 2007

This is the future, right? I mean, when we were little kids, the 21st century was it. IT. Flying cars, robots, atomic supermen, that sort of thing. Criswell said it best- “We are all interested in the future, for that is where we shall spend the rest of our lives.” And damn if he wasn’t right, ’cause I haven’t managed yet to live in the past, at least not for real.

I was reading an old Ray Bradbury story that was set in the far-off future year of 1978, and I hate to complain and pick on such a “legend,” but man, was he wrong. I’m sorry Mr. Sci-Fi Legend Guy, but I’m not living on a Mars colony. And my “atomic-powered short-wave radio” doesn’t exist. So what’s the deal?

I’m very well-read and I’ve seen tons of movies. I know what I’m talking about. I want my ray gun! I want my personal robot! I want my own jet pack, flying car, and combination space radio-slash-TV! My hat is supposed to protect me from atomic fallout and my food is supposed to be in pill form. I should commute to work by rocket and my personal computer should be about the size of my bedroom and have the computing power of thirteen abacuses.

But I know that old movies and TV shows can be somewhat unreliable when it comes to showing things as they are. You just have to be selective. For example, I don’t really take The Jetsons seriously. How can you? It is so phony. I think that show has the worst special effects I have ever seen. That car folding into a briefcase? I can see the CGI. And the actors? I don’t know who played George Jetson but he was so weird looking! He had a head that was about as big as his torso. I’ve tried reading the credits, but they don’t tell you who played any of the Jetsons. It may be for their safety- can you imagine how many stalkers Judy Jetson had? I must have written her thirty or forty letters when I was a kid and she never wrote back. I was so stupid back then- it took me until I was 23 to realize that she lives in the future! She hasn’t gotten the letters yet!

Movies do a little better job. I like Abbott and Costello Go to Mars. These two goofy delivery guys get mixed up for scientists and, somehow, end up piloting a ship to Mars, with two bumbling crooks along for the ride. Now it may sound silly, but the film has a rather complex inner-logic and the use of soft-focus cinematography is particularly effective, especially in the sublimely genius sequence when Costello is blasting people with his freeze ray. If any film could be held up as proof of the auteur theory of filmmaking, this is certainly it. Subtle in its satire and carefully nuanced in the use of pre-Marxist Soviet propaganda, my only problem is that how can these be the same guys who played janitors who met Frankenstein and Dracula in a previous film? That part I could never figure out- when did they change careers from janitors to delivery men?

At any rate, that future was clear- men would travel to Mars and meet a race of giant dogs, as well as mechanizing the Statue of Liberty so it can duck when a rocket flies too close overhead. We would all have freeze rays and we would wear spiffy space suits. I want my spiffy space suit!

So far the future is not all it was cracked up to be. I blame Congress. They keep holding up all those laws I want them to enact. Just last month I sent Congress my Bill For The Construction Of Lunar Radium Mines. And what did they do? Sent an FBI guy with a search warrant to my house. It’s like they don’t appreciate all my help.

I sent Congress my ideas for a Rocket-Man Brigade to protect us from Interstellar Plutonian Ice Hounds and all they did was pass some sort of dopey Iraq troop-funding bill.

So as I get older I’m resigning myself to the fact that maybe I won’t be getting that robot any time soon. I may not live on the moon or have a Martian space-dog as my pet, but at least I have my fifth-grade imagination. And maybe I don’t have a jet pack or own a space-yacht, but I know that I will someday. Flash Gordon said so!

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