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Uncle Lou

13 Apr

April 13, 2014

uncle lou

If you are looking for proof that there are too many channels and not enough good programs, this is it.

I was up around 1:30 this morning and was just flipping around looking for something to watch when I came across a show on REELZ, a network that specializes in obscurity. The show was called The Capones and it is a reality show that focuses on a family of stereotypical mafia-style Italians named Capone. Are they related to Al Capone? Beats me. I only watched ten minutes, enough to satisfy my curiosity. And what whet my curiosity? This description did.

louiewooie

“Uncle Lou believes he has the clap.”

Don’t you love this golden age of television? Back when I Love Lucy was on the air, Ricky and Lucy had to sleep in separate beds and they could not say the word “pregnant.” And now, decades, later, here is Uncle Lou catching “the clap.” Ah, progress, you truly are a bitch.

Anyway, I never did find out if Lou has “the clap.” I do know that he has ridiculously dyed eyebrows and mustache. In the scene I saw, Lou confronted one of his relatives, who seemed to be half drunk, about the continued employment in their restaurant of another relative, who seemed to be fully asleep, and was, right next to the bar. Then Lou told her that she seemed to be depressed and told her to see a psychic. Is she a real psychic? Yeah, replied “she has the Shining or something.”

At that point I grabbed my cell phone, snapped a few pics, and changed the channel.

Is this the face of a man with “the clap?” Decide for yourself, but I think that “the clap” is the least of his problems.

And I also believe he has “the clap.”

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In Medias Res

6 Apr

April 6, 2013

I hope this caught your attention!

I hope this caught your attention!

As usual, that image has nothing to do with any upcoming posts. Sorry, Santos fans.

The Editors and Staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride are pretty busy these days, despite only putting out one or two posts a week lately. (We are lazy too.) We are in the midst of not one but two continuing projects. Hollywood Russell will return early this week. We had hoped to have it at the end of last week, but last minute changes to the end of the tale meant changing something in part three, which was ready to go until the changes popped up. But it is done and Hollywood Russell’s stay at the lonely hotel is coming to an end. (And likely so is his relationship with Stella as well.)

Allan Keyes is also stalled in the middle of his March Madness brackets. (Can’t trust freelancers!) The shame is he is up to the best part, the best sitcom in the whole bunch. I won’t spoil it, but Keyes better get back to the keyboard soon or we’ll revoke his healthcare benefits and make him sign up for Obamacare. That’ll show him.

Also in the works is the next Imponderable about a man who really, really loves cars. The Dukes loved the General Lee and Michael Knight loved KITT, but none of them come close to this guy. He gives Love Bug a whole new meaning.

I’ve got a project that will show up down the line. I’m opening back up the archives and, courtesy of the internet, celebrating the various looks and styles of this blog through the years. Does anyone remember the old rocket logo? Or the white font on black background? It’ll be a blast from the past.

There is also more fodder coming up: I’ll be attending a chili cook-off where none other than Allan Keyes is a judge, and the very next day, The Chiller Theater Convention April 2014!

All this, I have an appointment with Abe Vigoda, and who knows what else, coming soon at bmj2k.com.

 

 

Hollywood Russell and the Hotel Hustle, Part Two

31 Mar

March 31, 2014

If you missed part one, you can read it here.

In a nutshell, Hollywood Russell, private detective, has taken his current female arm candy on an off-season trip to Atlantic City, but the hotel, located on a nearby island, seems utterly deserted. Stella, the aforementioned arm candy, is not impressed.

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The Brigantine, as it appeared in Hollywood Russell's era.

The Brigantine, as it appeared in Hollywood Russell’s era. (Obviously not off-season.)

Hollywood Russell had hoped that this trip to Atlantic City would be quiet and uneventful and so far it was all that and less.

The front door opened and the wind blew more sand into the lobby, caking it into the well-worn, and in some places worn out, old carpet. Tracking in even more sand as he entered with Stella, Hollywood tried to remember if the old adage was about a chill wind or an ill wind. Deciding he didn’t care, he dropped their bags and looked around.

The large front desk was empty. Hollywood, whose professional instincts never took a vacation, peeked behind it to make sure no one had offed the bellboy and dropped him back there.

There was no one in the lobby at all, dead or otherwise. It was well furnished with the chairs and drapes of an earlier era. There were framed photographs of some distinguished patrons on one wall, and on another was a large, smudgy mirror. In fact, along with the tables, lamps and old ferns, the lobby had everything up to and including the kitchen sink. It stuck out oddly from the wall with the photographs and Stella was struck by the fact that it had three faucets. One was hot, one was cold, and the middle one, a handy card tacked above the sink on the wall explained, was for seawater.

While Stella tried to turn the knobs, and was disappointed that no salt water came out, Hollywood examined the pictures. Some of the people in them were familiar, many not, and most were no more recent than a few decades past. Hollywood saw one man, an actor, famous for playing Indian roles and pointed him out to Stella. He died back in 1929.

Hollywood walked back to the front desk, knocked three times, and sang out “Call for Phillip Morris!”

Ten or fifteen seconds went by, then a door near the desk, partially obscured by a curtain, opened and a man who looked as if may or may not have just come up from cleaning the basement came out and asked “can I help you?”

Hollywood, who was not at all sure he could, judging by the man’s sooty clothes, said “I hope so. We have reservations. Name’s Russell.”

“His name is Russell. My name is Warren, Miss Stella Warren,” she said, emphasizing the Miss.

The sooty employee riffled through the pages of an old ledger, filling it with grimy fingerprints. “Russell… Russell… hmm… oh, here it is, Russell, party of two, one suite, overnight. Room 108, just down the hall.“ He put a key on the desk and turned the book around to face the detective. “Please sign here, Mr. Russell. Last name, first name…?” He left the unspoken question trail in the air.

Russell took the key, signed the book and looked the man in the eye. “First name is Private, middle name’s Investigator. Most people call my Hollywood, but you can call me a bellhop to carry these bags to our room.”

Startled, the man rushed out from behind the desk. “I’ll do it myself, Mister, er, Detective Russell.” He made a grab for the bags but Hollywood beat him to them. “I’ll carry them myself. You can have this.” Hollywood thrust his handkerchief into the man’s dirty, outstretched hand. “Keep the change.”

Hollywood and Stella walked down the hall, counting rooms until they found 108.

 

To Be Continued

 

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