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I’ve Seen That Hamburglar Before

9 May

May 9, 2015

McDonald’s, in an attempt to become hip and adult, unveiled the newest version of its children’s cartoon character, the Hamburglar.

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                                    Nope, nothing creepy here, move along.

Wait, a minute, I know him! I know who that is! Alert Mayor McCheese! Wake up Officer Big Mac! I am about to blow the lid off of this! Get my reward ready!

The new Hamburglar is the WWE’s own Repo Man!

Believe it or not, this man was once part of Demolition

                                Believe it or not, this man was once part of Demolition

However, Grimace remains at large.

 

Newly News (Lying Awake With John Newly #9)

1 May

May 1, 2015

Strange Theremin musk plays in the background and continues for 45 long seconds. Music fades.

ANNOUNCER: This is Lying Awake with John Newly. Lying Awake airs seven nights a week across the country and spans the globe via the internet. Here’s your host, John Newly.

Hello, hi, and how are you? This is Lying Awake with John Newly and I’m John Newly, and you’re listening to Lying Awake with me, John Newly.There’s a lot going on in the news and we’ll jump right in to the big stories of the day, right after this.

-Commercial for Albert Moss Prepared Gourmet Survival Meals and Fine Wines.

-Promo for WKAT-AM charity Bootblack Blowout and BBQ Brunch. Bootblacks will be on hand to blacken your boots and baste your BBQ for a small donation.

ANNOUNCER: We’re back with more Lying Awake with John Newly. Here’s John Newly.

Radio_Times_5_Dec_1954

OK, let’s get right to today’s top headlines from around the country and around the world and even around the cosmos. NASA says that a meteor will pass so close to the Earth this week that it will actually be closer to Earth than the moon. With me now is our Lying Awake science professor-at-large, William C. Bogey. William, should we be alarmed about this meteor hitting the Earth?

-Hello John. Let me tell you and the audience that NASA has been LYING TO YOU! There is NO meteor heading for Earth! This is all a plot to cover up the secret alien moon bases. They’re distracting us with all this meteor nonsense to keep us from talking about the real space discoveries, like the cowboy hat the Mars rover photographed last week, or the fossilized painting of William Shatner that Neil Armstrong found on the moon. There are alien bases all over the solar system and let me tell all your listeners, John, that NASA will NEVER tell you the truth!

Wow, I always learn something new when we have William C. Bogey on. You can find his website at BigWillieStyle.com. Also in the news, a new study shows that that eating too much sugary candy can be bad for you. On the line is nutritionist Zelda Rumstock. Zelda, is it true what they say, that too much sugary candy can be bad for you?

-Yes.

In Missouri, a man panning for gold in a lake behind his house found something better than gold. He found a fossil of a rare clam. Gosh, I wonder if there was a whole prehistoric seafood dinner down there. Wouldn’t that be something? You can see all the pictures on our website. LyingAwakeOnline.com. While you’re there, take a look at my tour schedule. Next week, I’m going to be in Osaka Japan, Alberta Canada, The Falkland Islands, and someplace called “update your passport.” Oh, that’s a note to myself.

Coming up in our second hour, my guest will be Otto Mullich, a professor of psychology who claims that he has perfected the safest way to travel beneath the ocean without using expensive and bulky submarines. I’ll be back after the break. I’m John Newly and this is Lying Awake with John Newly.

More Snappy Answers To Newser Headlines, Again

13 Apr

April 13, 2015

Hi gang! And I mean that literally. A big “hi and hello” to the Satanic Ugnaughts, a biker gang in Muncie Indiana. Their leader, Big Stan Satan, writes me every week. Unfortunately, I can’t share any of his comments, they may incriminate him. Anyway, here it is, another installment of Snappy Answers To Newser Headlines. As usual, the last time I did this, I was swamped with responses!

“Cease and desist.” -Newser
“Cease and desist.” -Abrams and Smith, attorneys for Newser Inc.

And here are the newest headlines. I can’t wait  to read your raves!

n1

“Russia Hackers Had Access to Obamas Schedule”

The White House has now given more Presidential access to the Russians than it has to the Republicans.

n2

“Dr. Andre Van Der Merwe says patient’s life was ‘just Hell'”

Sure, but imagine the poor Doctor, having to explain to people what he does for a living. “I’m a penis transplant surgeon!” Well, at least he has piles of cash to console himself with.

n3

“Kansas Bill: No Welfare Cash at Movies, Psychics”

What, no more welfare money for psychics? Someone should have seen that one coming.

n4

“Judge: Go Ahead, Serve Divorce Papers on Facebook”

Why not? It’s probably the cause of the divorce anyway

n5

“Rare Black Flamingo Seen In Cyprus.
It’s hard to miss among its peers”

Minutes later it was shot by the police.

Cyprus Black Flamingo

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