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Fun With Really Bad Photoshop: Superman

18 May

May 18, 2015

The two or three surviving regular readers of this blog (used to be six, sorry about the bird flu) know that I am terrible with Photoshop. I am so terrible that I put it in italics, and you know that’s bad. How bad is it? My Photoshop skills are so bad that I don’t even have Photoshop! That’s right, all the lousy Photoshop is actually lousy Paint.

Anyway, I was surfing the net looking for porn doing research for my Master’s thesis in advanced quantum theory when I came across a panel from a Silver Age issue of Superman. Back then, Superman had such powers as super-ventriloquism, super-kiss (lucky Lois!) and the ability to rip a cellophane version of his symbol off his chest and smother a super-villain, for a second or two, until it disappears leaving no ill-effects. Seriously, Superman II, what were you thinking?

Well, he also had a super-sneeze, one which was so powerful that he could destroy whole solar systems. Why they didn’t bring that back in the New 52 is beyond me.

Anyway, it just seemed to me that a super-sneeze is silly, but with a little Photoshop trickery (very little) I could make that same power, with just a little tweak, very funny.

silly funny

How about that? Seamless! You’d hardly know that I am the Photoshop user equivalent of a one-armed spider monkey.

But seriously, or at least as seriously as you can take a discussion of Superman farting, isn’t it logical that if Superman’s body could generate the pressure to release a super-sneeze, it could also release a super-fart?

DC really needs to explore this.

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In Search of… Ghosts

3 May

May 3, 2015

in search of ghosts

In  the realm of the paranormal, ghosts are the average, garden-variety cryptoid. They are not mythic, like the Loch Ness Monster, nor are they the cause of mass hysteria, like UFOs. And Sasquatch is much, much sexier, with its come-hither eyes. Ghosts are an afterthought, In fact, in the  family of psychical research, ghosts are the sheet wearing little brother. But are they real? Do they exist? Can I as an unpaid blogger, make money off them? Let’s find out.

The first ghost

It has to be assumed that the first ghost was probably the first dead caveman. Unless you think that dinosaur ghosts existed, and wouldn’t they be extinct anyway? That’s a question for sillier minds than mine. Anyway, the first cavemen was probably a very confused soul, pun very much intended. Maybe not funny, but intended.

DYING CAVEMAN: Oook! Ook ook! Ack! (Dies)

And that’s it. Since there were no other caveman ghosts to tell him to go to the light, he probably ended up wandering the world for the rest of time. He’s probably in your house right now, trying to make fire in your toilet. (Watch out.)

dead barney rubble

Ghosts of the Classic Era

When was the Classic Era? This author dates if from 1941 to 1971, the dates of publication of Classic Comics. Ironically, Classic Comics only published one ghost story. (A Christmas Carol.)

The most interesting and well-documented ghost story to come out of this era was undoubtedly 13 Ghosts. This is the true story of a man named Zorba who inherited a house haunted by- wait for it- 13 ghosts, in 3D. For some reason, one of the ghost was a headless lion tamer and his lion, which inexplicably did not count as two ghosts. Did the circus ever stop by this house? The catch was that ghost hunters wishing to explore the haunted house could only see the ghosts with the aid of special glasses which were only sold in theaters. This made it difficult for legitimate researchers to search for ghosts since they rarely had time off during the day to stop by the theater. Well-known ghost hunter Martin Milner, knowing that a fortune was hidden in the house, tried to swindle Zorba by wearing a rubber mask. (This case certainly lacked the thrills of the Amityville Horror.) By sheer coincidence, Martin Milner went on to star in a movie called 13 Ghosts, a children’s film about haunted numbers.

13 ghosts phooey

Civil War Ghosts

These are the lost souls of the 173rd Ghost Regiment, the only group of fighting ghosts in the entire war.

So get to it. Are ghosts real?

Um sure, why not?

To learn more about ghosts, stop by your local cemetery and spent the night there. Kids, always get your parents permission before fooling around with the supernatural.

Chiller Theatre April 2015: Black Ink and Colorful People

27 Apr

April 27, 2015

I went to the Chiller Theatre Convention this past weekend and as always, a good time was had by all. There were plenty of celebrities. I got my picture taken with Gilbert Gottfried, and he autographed a Dracula Gottfried picture for me.

Dracula Gottfried

You may remember Dracula Gottfried from this blog post.

The interesting thing was, for a guy known so much for his voice, I don’t think I heard him speak to anyone.

I also had my picture taken with Gavin “Captain Stubing from the Love Boat” MacLeod, and yes, he was wearing his captain’s hat. That man knows which side his bread is buttered on.

crop merrill

Along with movie and TV stars, and also a few people you aren’t quite sure how to categorize (AKA The Guy Who Played Chaka The Ape Boy On Land Of The Lost), there were a lot of wrestlers. This is normal for Chiller, and leads me into my biannual Greg “The Hammer” Valentine update. I’ve been doing this since 2012, when he looked like this:

It became a legend that his leathery, almost baseball glove-like face never, ever changed. In fact, he almost never seemed to move. Here he is last year:

Hulk Hogan Fan Appreciation Day at Toyota Park - July 10, 2009

And here he is all the shows in between:

Hulk Hogan Fan Appreciation Day at Toyota Park - July 10, 2009

So what did he look like this year?

Hulk Hogan Fan Appreciation Day at Toyota Park - July 10, 2009

I don’t know. He wasn’t there. This was quite a big blow to me, not because I actually wanted to see him, but because I wanted to see how many years I could keep this joke running. 2012 – 2015. Not bad.

But softening the blow was the fact that Jake “The Snake” Roberts was here this year, and trust me, he didn’t move much either. However, I hope he shows up next year, and you’ll see why in a second. He’s going to replace Greg Valentine as the new running Chiller joke, and it is all because of his mustache.

Here’s how he was advertised on the Chiller site:

grey jake

And here’s how he looked in person.

black jake

That mustache has been dyed to within an inch of its life. In fact, the only thing there to rival Jake’s mustache was Anson William’s hair. Yes, Potsie from Happy Days. His head looked like he had just dunked it in a vat of ink. Sorry there’s no picture, I couldn’t stop staring and lost my senses.

Also there were The Dudley Boys, Bubba Ray and Devon. Immediately after I shot this picture, Bubba Ray shot me a glare that would have scared Andre the Giant. I think he was upset that I took his picture without buying anything. Sorry Bubba.

crop dudleys

I bought a cool Chiller T-shirt and some old paperbacks, and generally had a great time. There was a guy walking around in the creepiest scarecrow costume I’ve seen, and I have no idea if he paid to get in or just walked in like he belonged there. I wouldn’t ask him for a ticket if I was at the desk.

crop scarecrow

I’m already looking forward to October.

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