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Here’s Why I Won’t See The New Fantastic Four Movie

28 Jul

July 28, 2015

LNMH FF

I already have ridiculously low expectations for the new Fantastic Four movie. The odds are against it. There have already been three lousy FF films, why should this be any better? And that’s pretty sad for me because the Fantastic Four is- hands down- my favorite Marvel title. I own every issue of the series on CD ROM. I have collections, collections, and more FF collections on my book shelves. The Thing is my favorite comic book character, beating out this blog’s perennial favorite superhero subject, Superman. But despite having seen superhero films about groups I barely pay any attention to (Guardians of the Galaxy) I will not see this film.

Why?

Because the Thing has no pants.

This is no joke on the expression “the Emperor has no clothes,” Ben Grimm is literally pantsless and naked in the movie.

FF Thing 2

I am not going to go into some geek explanation of how he’s not really made of rocks, his skin is tough and thick and rocklike so he has every biological attachment he should. I’m not going to even ask how he goes to the bathroom. No, my one and only problem is how stupid it looks.

FF Thing

If the filmmakers are going to make such a basic, dumb decision, and have their main character walk around like that, apparently neutered, then who knows what other stupid decisions they made.

Even in Watchmen, when Dr. Manhattan walked around naked, he was biologically correct.

This is a family blog!

This is a family blog!

So make any jokes you like about how Ben Grimm has been shortchanged, or how there’s no Giant-Sized Man-Thing here. I am not going to spend money to see what other stupid decisions they made.

Sheesh. All they had to do was give him a pair of shorts.

It's enough to make Jack Kirby cry.

It’s enough to make Jack Kirby cry.

.

NewsFails July 2015

23 Jul

July 23, 2015

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

Hi. I am a lifelong New York resident who would love to attend your school or university. I think that I can write some things pretty good, and I am willing to learn how to write some other things. If you accept me to your fine school or university, I promise that I will never write anything like these things below that I am going to show you.

Thank You Very Much,
Regards
Sincerely.

Bruin Z. Othello

newserw1

“Loon lake?” This article was about a loon on a lake, if you ask me.

Look, it is pretty simple. Most cats are not seafaring cats. They do not like the water. Taking a cat on a canoe is just asking for trouble. I bet that cat turned the man to kibble and kitty litter before he was 3 feet away from the dock.

newserw2

Sorry Dina, porn does not count.

I wonder if any of the offers were for her to be in a snuff film? Not that I’m saying she’s a bad actress (OK, yeah, I’m saying it) but she wouldn’t even make a convincing dead body.

The Metro is, I think, free here in NYC. They hand it out near subway stations, yet has the best headline writer of the bunch.

newserw3

Evann Gastaldo, how do you do it? How do you keep a straight face? Even the cat in the canoe article was credited to anonymous editors and staff. Glad you’re proud of this.

“So a priest, a rabbi, and a farting drummer walk into a bar.” Got it. I just wonder what it would have cost if the window was closed? Would paramedics have been called?

newserw4

I am sure that a couple of surveillance cameras would have been far less expensive.

At times like this, I am jealous of the highly trained journalists at Newser. When I write about people pooping a warehouse it is for laughs. When they do it, they get paid. If I got paid for every article about poop I wrote I’d be a millionaire. (Wait, what does that say about my blog? Uh…)

And here we are, the highlight of the month. This article was so good that I had to run it in its entirety. Here he is, The World’s Sexiest Gorilla. And wouldn’t you know it, this story comes out of Japan. (Click to enlarge.)

newserw5

Dear The Dean of NYU School of Journalism:

I think I changed my mind. I don’t want to be associated with any of this. Please send my application over to Hamburger University instead.

Thanks
Your Pal

Bruin Z. Othello

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