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This Is The Next Big Thing!

17 Feb

February 17, 2015

You know, breaking into Hollywood isn’t as easy as it looks. I had a great idea for a movie, the sci-fi family epic Hamsterus! Well that didn’t get me a deal with Spielberg. I have no idea why. What’s wrong with a touching film about the love between a young boy and his giant radioactive hamster? I don’t get it. So I set my sights a little lower and came up with the TV pitch President Hobo. Wouldn’t a show about a homeless President be a great fit with Scandal or Criminal Minds? For some reason no one else thought so. I even shopped around Murderchimp. I still don’t know what exactly I had planned for it, or even what a Murderchimp is, but even before I could set up a meeting my agent dumped me. But I went back to the drawing board. I don’t give up that easy, no matter how many people throw me out of their office.

I had another brilliant idea! Since movies and TV weren’t for me, I was going to single-handedly revive the art of Old Time Radio drama! Yes! I was going to bring about a new Golden Age of a medium that no one cares about anymore. I had it all planned out and I was going to start with a revival of The Shadow, my favorite show. In a nutshell, The Shadow is a bored rich guy who uses hypnosis to convince everyone he’s invisible. Perfect for radio- everyone’s invisible!

Problem is, those bastards at Conde Nast who own the rights served me with a cease and desist order. And after I had already written 275 scripts! Well, I’m nothing if not creative, so with a little smart editing I got rid of The Shadow and wrote in my totally new and completely unique character, El Kabong. I’m shopping it around now, but just to get some buzz going, here’s a sample.

THE SHADOW EL KABONG IN “THE PHANTOM GANGSTERS”

Mysterious music swells.

ANNOUNCER: The Shadow El Kabong, mysterious character who aids the forces of law and order, is in reality Lamont Cranston Louie Crandall, wealthy young man-about-town. Years ago in the Orient South, Lamont Louie learned the strange and hypnotic power that allowed him to cloud fog men’s minds so that they cannot see him. Lamont’s Louie’s companion, the lovely Margot Lane Margie Long, is the only one that knows to whom the voice of the invisible Shadow El Kabong belongs. Tonight’s drama: “The Phantom Gangsters.”

Isn’t that great? And totally original! Here’s an action scene:

EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh! Give it up, Phantom Gangsters! You have heard my mysterious laugh! I have you surrounded.

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Surrounded? You’re only one guy, how can you have us surrounded?

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: Yeah, and we can’t even see you. What are you, chicken? Too afraid to come out and face us man to man?

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: That’s right, man to man to man! There’s two of us you know!

EL KABONG: I am not hiding. I am El Kabong!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: El Kabong!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Hey, I heard of this guy, he’s invisible or something.

EL KABONG: I may be invisible but I assure you my guitar is solid as a rock!

SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OW! HEY! Where’d that guitar come from?

ANOTHER SOUND OF A GUITAR SMASHING A MAN IN THE HEAD

PHANTOM GANGSTER 2: UGH! That hurt!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: How many guitars do you have, anyway?

EL KABONG: El Kabong has many guitars. The guitars of justice!

MORE SOUNDS OF GUITARS SMASHING OVER HEADS

PHANTOM GANGSTERS 1 and 2: We give up! We give up!

EL KABONG: Margie, call commissioner Walcott. Tell him he can collect the Phantom Gangsters, courtesy of El Kabong. Heheheheheheheh!

MARGIE: Yes El Kabong!

EL KABONG: Heheheheheheheh!

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: Jeez, always with the laughing. What’s wrong with this guy?

YET ANOTHER GUITAR SMASH

PHANTOM GANGSTER 1: OK! OK! You don’t have to be so touchy!

There you go! Spread the word! I’ll get The Shadow El Kabong on the radio any day now, I can feel it!

Shadow Kabong

 

 

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The Tepid Zombie’s 2014 Year In Review

27 Dec

December 27, 2014

Unbelievably, this is the first appearance of the Tepid Zombie in 2014. Before that, he’d been a pretty constant presence, either reviewing odd things on Netflix, making zombie-complaints about the news, or just generally talking about eating brains. (You can find his old posts here.) For those new to the Tepid zombie, this is a look at what this blog would (or maybe I should say “will”) look like after the zombie apocalypse when this blog will be written by a zombie. He’s an accountant, by the way, and kind of lazy.

zombie 2014

 

 

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Late Night Movie House: A Montage of Santa Claus

22 Dec

December 22, 2014

christmas header

Let’s go back to 2011 for the first of four Christmas Classics this week! Enjoy!

From December 25, 2011

Please enjoy this presentation of selected Santa Claus appearances. Our first stop is Mexico from the 1959 film titled aptly, if not imaginatively, Santa Claus, which for some reason features Satan.

Back in the USA, here is the aptly, if not imaginatively, titled, Santa With Muscles, featuring noted thespian Hulk Hogan.

 

Want more wrestlers? Here is Rowdy Roddy Piper beating up Santa. (Actually, that is the legendary Bobby “the Brain” Heenan under the beard. You didn’t really think that was Santa, did you?)

And in this next clip, Santa gets into the squared circle to drop the rock bottom on some punk-ass jabroni. (“Xanta Klaus” from the South Pole. You can’t believe this stuff unless you see it for yourself.)

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM YOUR PALS AT MR. BLOG!

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