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Planning Ahead For Summer

14 Apr

April 14, 2015

I’ve been thinking about how to spend my summer vacation. (I need something cool to write for my “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” essay when I go back to school in September. Man, fifth grade is going to be tough.) I’ve decided that I’m going to make a movie.

I’m not worried about the little details. I’m sure things like dialogue and plot will come to me as I go along. I’m worried about the important issues, like how many guys in gorilla suits I’ll need, and how much gratuitous nudity can I convince the actresses to do? (This brings up a good point- I may need to buy a casting couch.)

Anyway, I don’t know what kind of movie I’m going to make, but I’m sure it will be cool. I’m going to have Kung Fu fighting gorillas, some sort of space monster with a million eyes, and a life-size cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lawrence.


As the filmmaker, do I have to supply the popcorn to the movie theater, or do they have some sort of deal with Jiffy Pop? (And as the movie maker, can I get a kickback? Just a few bucks on every bag of popcorn sold will do.)

Where can I buy those really big reels they put the film on? And where do I get film anyway? Best Buy only sells digital cameras, no film needed. I could shoot it all on my iPhone, but I don’t want to have to pass it around to everyone in the theater when it comes time to show it.

When I go to the Academy Awards, do I have to walk down the red carpet or can I go in the back? I really don’t want the paparazzi asking me embarrassing questions, like how much I spend on my sneakers.

See you at the show!


Take Me Out To The Ballgame And Away From Here (AKA Tawkin’ Baseball)

7 Apr

April 7, 2015

Opening Day at the ballpark! Oh yeah, peanuts and popcorn, and sushi… and overpriced souvenirs… and obstructed view seats, and umpires who can’t call a strike and million dollar players who can’t hustle down to first and cleanup hitters who go 0-4 with 3 strikeouts and a popup and is that what I paid a week’s salary for 4 tickets to see? IS IT?

But I digress.

Today was Opening Day for the New York teams. The Yankees opened first (their motto: miss the days of big spending, dontcha?) and the Mets played later that day (their motto: we can’t afford a motto). The Yankee game was on the TV in the cafeteria at the Company I Am employed by, for now, and not everyone was that big a baseball fan, or a fan at all, but out of the dozen or so people watching the game, one superfan stood out.

Of course, she stood out more for her ridiculous hair ribbons than any knowledge of the game. She was wearing more, and brighter, hair ribbons than you would expect of a woman even three or four decades younger. The thing about her was, you could always look away from her ridiculous head (and her face was no prize either) but there was no getting away from her loud New Yawk accent.

“Are those the New Yawk Yankees?” (Gestures to the TV.) “When do they show the Mets? They play too ya know!”

It made me very proud that my company hires the senile.

“That’s Alex Rod-Ri-Guez.” (In a lower, conspiratorial tone.) “He’s a bad boy.”

“My son took me to Shea Stadium once. He had to pay an arm and a leg to park his car ya know.”

“The Mets wear pinstripes too but does anybody tawk about that?”

Only the fact that the Yankees were losing made this bearable. After a few more proclamations (to who? I don’t know. It was never clear who she was talking to.) she got her lunch at the counter and left.

But I did learn a couple of things from her.

1- Her son played baseball in Little League.
2- Her son played baseball in Little League. (Yes, she said it twice, both times sounding as proud as a woman possibly could of her fully grown son who had paid an arm and a leg to park at Shea Stadium and who once played baseball in Little League.

For the record, the Yankees lost 6-1, and later that afternoon, the Mets won 3-1.

naked gun

What Enrico Pallazzo wants Enrico Pallazzo gets, see?


Michael Jackson vs. Russell Crowe: This Is Real

4 Apr

April 4, 2015

Russell Crowe: Hollywood A-list actor best known for his crankiness.

Michael Jackson: Music superstar best known for, well, you know.

I am not making this one up. Russell Crowe may be making this one up, but I am in no position to challenge him. (And if I were, I still wouldn’t do it. I am not crazy.)

According to Crowe, he was the victim of prank calls for years, all perpetrated by Michael Jackson. I’ll let the New York Post (our motto: “Sure, whatever, we’ll print it.”) take it from here:


The only thing in that article that raises a suspicious note is that Michael used “a strong voice.” I imagine that even your average castrati could muster a stronger voice than Michael Jackson.

“Do you have Prince Albert in a can? OOOOH! Just kidding, this is Michael!”

Am I the only one who imagines Russell Crowe acting just like Moe from the Simpsons? “Listen up Michael, when I catch up to you I’m going to rip your lungs out of your anus!” Then he pulls the phone out of the wall and throws it out the window.


However, I am happy to say that the story gets even better from here. I’ll let the New York Daily News (our motto: “buy us for our pretty ads.”) continue:


Russell Crowe has just jumped to the top of the list of people I’d like to have dinner with. This guy has all the best stories.

I really want to know what his fake name was. It couldn’t have been “Mr. Big Pants.” That’s me.


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