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Lying Awake With John Newly: The 4th Hour

22 Nov

November 22, 2014

And that’s the news at 3:05 am. Stay tuned for the fourth hour of Lying Awake with John Newly.

Promo for the WKAT listener sweepstakes- “if we pick your cat’s name from our giant listener litter box, you’ll win a KAT Cat Hat! Offer void in the continental United States.”

Strange sci-fi Theremin music swells, announcer with unusually deep voice and a slight lisp speaks.

Lying Awake with John Newly airs six nights a week from midnight to six am. Callers are welcome on the studio line, 1-800-463-WKAT, the international line by calling overseas operator 27, or tonight’s “That Chupacabra ate my pants!” hotline, 1-800-NoMoPants. And now, here’s John Newly.

Music fades out, show begins.

Ghosts, witches, and bagels, we’ve covered it all here tonight. Welcome back to Lying Awake with John Newly. That’s me by the way, John Newly, and if you’ve ever wanted to meet me in person, you can see my tour schedule on the Lying Awake website. My producer Fast Eddie makes sure to keep that up to date. Next week, I’ll be in the Main Street Reading Room in Tombstone Arizona reading an excerpt of my new book, The Devil’s Hidden Chakra. Tombstone Arizona, is that right, Fast Eddie? Tombstone? (Inaudible off mic.) I hope there are still people living there! I’d hate to be all alone in a ghost town! Meanwhile, we’ve been speaking with Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone on all kinds of topics, he’s a self-proclaimed “Mr. Know-It-All Who Knows It All.” We’ll continue our discussion next.

Commercial for DVD- Where Will You Be When The Moon Explodes? How to protect your financial assets from the coming lunar apocalypse.

Commercial for local politician Brad Fergus, advocating higher taxes on everything.

We’re back and before the break, I was asking Doctor Lazarus P. Brookstone what he knows about UFO’s. Doctor?

- I know a lot, actually.

What can you tell us?

-What would you like to know? (Laughs.)

Are UFO’s real?

Plan9_3

-Yes.

Yes? They do exist? Flying saucers, aliens, the whole thing?

-Yes, the whole thing and even more!

Simply fascinating. Amazing! Have you seen a UFO?

-Of course! I’ve ridden in them too!

That’s been a dream of mine, and probably of all my listeners out there. I’ve always dreamed about riding in a UFO, but I don’t want to get probed! Do they really do that?

-Yes, but it isn’t really what people think it is.

(Laughing) So it’s not an anal probe, that’s a relief.

-No, no, it is an anal probe.

Hmmm, maybe I’ll rethink that trip! (Laughter.)

-If the aliens want to anal probe you, they’ll anal probe you if you’re on the UFO or not.

Wow, that’s something to think about, isn’t it? We’ll be right back.

 

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About these ads

The A-Ha! Moment

20 Nov

November 20, 2014

All my life I’ve heard the Christmas song “A Marshmallow World.” It was covered by a lot of artists, but the one that seems to get the most play is the Darlene Love version. And rightfully so.

But I’ve always misheard the lyrics. I always thought the song ended with “the winner is the marshmallow girl.” It never made sense to me. Who was the marshmallow girl? What did she win?

Target is now using that song in their ads, and they run constantly. So earlier today I was doing something and the TV was on in the background and sure enough, that song came on. And as clear as day I heard “In winter, it’s a marshmallow world” and suddenly it all made sense.

A-Ha!

 

 

Your Daily Horoscope: November 18th, 2014

18 Nov

November 18, 2014

Your Daily Horoscope: November 18th, 2014

  • Aries: Today will be a good day to indulge your hidden desires, but not in public! That sort of thing is still illegal in this country.
  • Taurus: You will come into money today! A Nigerian Prince will contact you about transferring a large sum of money out of his country. Be sure to give him your social security number.
  • Gemini: The moon is in the second house. See loser? Even the moon can afford two houses, and you still live your parent’s basement.
  • Cancer: You will get cancer. HA! Just kidding!
  • Leo: Avoid using deodorant today. This will keep your boss from approaching you with extra work.
  • Virgo: Today will be a great day to email a Taurus while pretending to be a Nigerian Prince.
  • Libra: Today is your lucky day! If you’re hoping your wife will ask for a divorce, that is.
  • Scorpio: You might want to consider getting a cool tattoo on your face, just like Mike Tyson.
  • Sagittarius: Magic 8 Ball says: YES
  • Capricorn: You will meet a handsome stranger. His name is Jeph. You will dislike him intensely.
  • Aquarius: If you know anyone who is a Taurus, don’t let on that I’m just screwing with him about that whole Nigerian Prince thing, OK?
  • Pisces: Insert your own “Uranus is ascending” joke.
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