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Here’s Why I Won’t See The New Fantastic Four Movie

28 Jul

July 28, 2015

LNMH FF

I already have ridiculously low expectations for the new Fantastic Four movie. The odds are against it. There have already been three lousy FF films, why should this be any better? And that’s pretty sad for me because the Fantastic Four is- hands down- my favorite Marvel title. I own every issue of the series on CD ROM. I have collections, collections, and more FF collections on my book shelves. The Thing is my favorite comic book character, beating out this blog’s perennial favorite superhero subject, Superman. But despite having seen superhero films about groups I barely pay any attention to (Guardians of the Galaxy) I will not see this film.

Why?

Because the Thing has no pants.

This is no joke on the expression “the Emperor has no clothes,” Ben Grimm is literally pantsless and naked in the movie.

FF Thing 2

I am not going to go into some geek explanation of how he’s not really made of rocks, his skin is tough and thick and rocklike so he has every biological attachment he should. I’m not going to even ask how he goes to the bathroom. No, my one and only problem is how stupid it looks.

FF Thing

If the filmmakers are going to make such a basic, dumb decision, and have their main character walk around like that, apparently neutered, then who knows what other stupid decisions they made.

Even in Watchmen, when Dr. Manhattan walked around naked, he was biologically correct.

This is a family blog!

This is a family blog!

So make any jokes you like about how Ben Grimm has been shortchanged, or how there’s no Giant-Sized Man-Thing here. I am not going to spend money to see what other stupid decisions they made.

Sheesh. All they had to do was give him a pair of shorts.

It's enough to make Jack Kirby cry.

It’s enough to make Jack Kirby cry.

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Whatever It Was, It Almost Happened To Me

25 Jul

July 25, 2015

Before I begin this tale, I’d like to give some very brief background so that this story can make even less sense than it already does. This took place in the middle of the day, around 12:30, in a residential area with plenty of people around (there are large apartment buildings on two of the four corners) and I am not a child, I am a middle aged man.

I was crossing the street and there was one car in the intersection, waiting at the red light. As I neared the car, I noticed the guy behind the wheel slide his hand out of the window and, without looking at me, wiggle his fingers in a “come here” gesture.

I paid no attention to it as I was sure he didn’t mean me. The driver was older, 65 at least, with longish white hair and a white beard. He was wearing a blue plaid shirt. I was wearing shorts and my old Fantastic Four t-shirt. I kept crossing the street and as I drew nearly parallel to the car I heard, quite loudly, his door locks open.

This just felt weird but I still didn’t think it had anything to do with me. I glanced behind me to see who was there, worried that there was a kid behind me who was his target.

There was no one there. He meant me.

Of course I just kept walking across the street, and when I got to the corner I turned back to look at the car. The driver was still looking straight ahead, and when the light turned green he drove away.

I’m most sure how to explain this. Was he trying to pick me up? Abduct me? Or did he simply want to ask me for directions but went about it in the most sinister and easily misunderstood way possible?

I may never know, but I know one thing. If the old guy really did want to pull something hinky, he probably would have broken a hip in the process.

It could have been like this

It could have been like this

Or it could have been like this

Or it could have been like this

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