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Uncle Lou

13 Apr

April 13, 2014

uncle lou

If you are looking for proof that there are too many channels and not enough good programs, this is it.

I was up around 1:30 this morning and was just flipping around looking for something to watch when I came across a show on REELZ, a network that specializes in obscurity. The show was called The Capones and it is a reality show that focuses on a family of stereotypical mafia-style Italians named Capone. Are they related to Al Capone? Beats me. I only watched ten minutes, enough to satisfy my curiosity. And what whet my curiosity? This description did.

louiewooie

“Uncle Lou believes he has the clap.”

Don’t you love this golden age of television? Back when I Love Lucy was on the air, Ricky and Lucy had to sleep in separate beds and they could not say the word “pregnant.” And now, decades, later, here is Uncle Lou catching “the clap.” Ah, progress, you truly are a bitch.

Anyway, I never did find out if Lou has “the clap.” I do know that he has ridiculously dyed eyebrows and mustache. In the scene I saw, Lou confronted one of his relatives, who seemed to be half drunk, about the continued employment in their restaurant of another relative, who seemed to be fully asleep, and was, right next to the bar. Then Lou told her that she seemed to be depressed and told her to see a psychic. Is she a real psychic? Yeah, replied “she has the Shining or something.”

At that point I grabbed my cell phone, snapped a few pics, and changed the channel.

Is this the face of a man with “the clap?” Decide for yourself, but I think that “the clap” is the least of his problems.

And I also believe he has “the clap.”

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He Loves The Honeymooners

5 Apr

April 5, 2014

A little over three years ago, on January 11th, 2011, I wrote a blog around this letter, which appeared in the New York Daily News.

kramdenmania

Frankly, I felt sorry for the guy, he was 63 after all. I didn’t even imply that he might have gone a little senile.

I fail to see the problem here. They aired The Honeymooners at one in the afternoon on a day when most people are home and sleep late. Should channel 11 have shown it at one in the morning and forced an old man to stay up to the wee hours of the night? Did he really want to be up, at age 63, watching TV at 4 am? Is this an overreaction, or can someone explain this to me? And while you’re at it, explain to me why this guy felt the need to write to the newspaper about it.

Now flash back to  the present. I’ve pretty much given up on The Daily News. Never a bastion of journalism, they’ve resorted to doing little more than calling out random people as jerks on their front page. In the three years since that letter appeared, it is fair to say that I’ve seen The Voice of the People less than a few dozen times. So I’ll leave it to you to calculate the odds that earlier this week I should run across this letter:

the honey mooner

Three years later, same guy! Still loves The Honeymooners, in fact moved so deeply by it that he had to let the world know with his letter. I can only imagine the orgasmic letters he sends to the station that actually airs the show. But my favorite part of the letter? “I even have my lovely grandchildren imitate them.”

“Grandpa, I’m hungry. Can we eat now?”
“Not until you do the “can it core a apple” skit!”
“Grandpaaaaa!”
“Bang! Zoom! To the moon, Timmy!”

How many letters did he send in that I missed over the years? How many love letters has he sent Audrey “Alice Kramden” Meadows? And how many times has he bitten someone’s hand when they tried to change the channel?

 

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Imponderable #120: The Sewers of Lawton, Oklahoma

20 Mar

March 20, 2014

In these tough economic times, every penny counts. And if that penny happens to be a 20 dollar bill, then it counts 2000 times. So when a man in Lawton, Oklahoma, dropped $20, it was entirely logical that he would want to get it back, even if it meant that he had to climb down a storm drain to get it. That’s where the story starts to get good.

sewer

I’ve never been in a storm drain. In fact, ever since I saw Pennywise in It (when you’re dead you’ll float!) I make sure to stay far, far away from sewer drains. My other experience regarding sewers comes from the movie Them!

 

So if I dropped $20 into a storm drain, would I go after it? No way, Jose. The water in those drainage pipes? It isn’t exactly clean. There’s a reason that Lawton man came out of water-filled sewer system disoriented and dehydrated. If that was the NYC sewer system, he’d also be covered in boils and CHUD bites.

If you dropped $20 into a storm drain, what would you do?

 

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