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Observational Ketchup

13 Mar

March 13, 2015

At the risk of sounding like a hack observational comedian, I have some questions.

Who decided the size of ketchup packets? There’s not nearly enough in one for your French fries, let alone a hamburger. And mustard packs are even worse- it takes at least three to cover any self-respecting hot dog. Yet mayo packets are larger than either one. Who decided that you should get more mayo than ketchup, and nearly no mustard?

Don’t even get me started on relish.

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John Newly Is Slightly Confused (Lying Awake With John Newly 6)

5 Mar

March 5, 20115

Lying Awake With John Newly theme song, Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior, ends.

John Newly: Who are you going to call? Why you’re going to call me! Hi, I’m John Newly, your overnight airwaves-buster, and this is Lying Awake with John Newly. Later tonight we’ll be talking with Peter von Strauss about his new book, called President Obama is Just What You Think. I’ve read some of part of one of the chapters of that book and let me tell you, it gave me something to think about. Also tonight we’ll have our regular Wednesday guest, Laura Millings, and she’ll share her investigation into the strange odor reported coming from a pants factory in Detroit. We’re going to start off with some phone calls after these words from our sponsors.

Commercial for WKAT’s Lawrence Welk tribute gala and charity hat-doff.

Commercial for John Newly’s new DVD, Worker in the Blight: How I Caught a Spiritual Flu.

We’re back and tonight I’ve opened up a special “unhealthy dog” phone line. Call in to talk about your unhealthy dog.  Just remember, I’m not a veterinarian, so if I try to prescribe your dog some medicine, you should probably not listen to me. First caller, Ellen from Billings Montana, you’re on the air.

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Caller: Hi John I heard your-

- Billings Montana. Is it cold there?

- show last night. Well, it snowed last night, so yeah, I’d say it’s cold. (Laughs). The reason I’m-

- I bet you get snow all the time in Montana! You should be used to it by now!

- Right, well, I just moved here. Anyway, on your show last-

- I move around a lot too. I used to be in the military. Are you in the military?

- No, I, no…

- Well thanks for the call. Wow, more snow. I think we’ve all had enough of that. Maybe it’s time to do another of our positive thought experiments. OK, everyone concentrate on no more snow. If it is snowing where you are you really have to concentrate hard. No snow. No snow. I’m looking out my studio window and right now it isn’t snowing. (Inaudible, off mic) My producer Fast Eddie just pointed out that it hasn’t snowed here in days. Well, maybe that’s because of my positive thoughts! (Laughs), there’s always a skeptic in every bunch.

We’ll take some more phone calls in just a minute, but first, ask yourself, do you run out of energy when you’re in the middle of a psychic reading? Do your crystals seem to be cloudier than they used to be? Friends, I’ve got just the solution. Call 1-800-555-WUZZIT for a guaranteed psychic solution. Now I can’t legally tell you what it is over the air, but if you go their website, wuzzitnotascam.com, you’ll see everything you can get for only $29.99. I sent them my money and I still haven’t gotten my box, but I was so amazed that I ordered two more anyway. Call now!

 

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Imponderable #124: Journalism in Ghana

24 Feb

February 24, 2015

This article comes from a Ghana website, which may help explain quite a few things.

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I could say a lot about this story, but ever since I read about the panty-stealing goblin of Zimbabwe I’ve been a bit jaded.

But regardless, the real Imponderable is about the author of the story. Here’s his bio from the site:

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Daniel Russell. Reporter – Pulse. A student of Central University College. A writer and entertainment analyst, am a simple anti-social dude sometimes a freak, am a workaholic who is working hard to become a mogul and a film maker.

So I guess it doesn’t take much to write for Pulse.

The question is obvious and Imponderable.

‘Nuff said.

 

 

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