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Your Daily Horoscope: November 18th, 2014

18 Nov

November 18, 2014

Your Daily Horoscope: November 18th, 2014

  • Aries: Today will be a good day to indulge your hidden desires, but not in public! That sort of thing is still illegal in this country.
  • Taurus: You will come into money today! A Nigerian Prince will contact you about transferring a large sum of money out of his country. Be sure to give him your social security number.
  • Gemini: The moon is in the second house. See loser? Even the moon can afford two houses, and you still live your parent’s basement.
  • Cancer: You will get cancer. HA! Just kidding!
  • Leo: Avoid using deodorant today. This will keep your boss from approaching you with extra work.
  • Virgo: Today will be a great day to email a Taurus while pretending to be a Nigerian Prince.
  • Libra: Today is your lucky day! If you’re hoping your wife will ask for a divorce, that is.
  • Scorpio: You might want to consider getting a cool tattoo on your face, just like Mike Tyson.
  • Sagittarius: Magic 8 Ball says: YES
  • Capricorn: You will meet a handsome stranger. His name is Jeph. You will dislike him intensely.
  • Aquarius: If you know anyone who is a Taurus, don’t let on that I’m just screwing with him about that whole Nigerian Prince thing, OK?
  • Pisces: Insert your own “Uranus is ascending” joke.
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Is It Friday Yet?

12 Nov

November 12, 2014

In just the last four days:

- I’ve been trapped in a cemetery by a funeral procession

- I’ve electrocuted my microwave

- I’ve had to wash my car twice due to bird poop

Wednesday, here I come.

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Pro Wrestling Smackaround! Round Two

3 Nov

November 3, 2014

Welcome back to the Crop Dust Arena in Tonganoxie Kansas! We have a sold out audience of almost 950 fans waiting for all the World Wrestling Congress action. I’m Lucky Larry Lindy and with me as always is my partner, Charlie “Big Tree” McGee.

About time you let me talk, little Larry.

Hey!

Listen, tonight’s show is one for the ages. We’ve got The Armenian Ace and Castro going up against Sargent America and Corporal USA. This match was ordered by the Commissioner of Wrestling after Corporal USA stole Castro’s green card and threatened to burn it in an All-American bonfire.

And don’t forget, that match has a stipulation that only union-member referees can call a three count.

Yeah, they’re running a check on referee Duke Blankeye backstage right now. We also have a pair of singles matches tonight. First, it is a battle between Jay-Z Elvis and The Porn Gif. These two guys have been brawling all across Southwestern Kansas!

Also in action will be Doctor New York, and he’ll be going up against Melvin the Nerd.

Ugh, I hope that little geek doesn’t split his pants again.

But the main event tonight is one we all been waiting to see since they first brawled in their Hell in a Pool match in last September’s pay per view, September to Not Forget. The Masked Surgeon will be putting his WWC Interstate Tri-City championship belt on the line against Colonel Mustard. Last week, Colonel Mustard hit The Masked Surgeon over the head in the conservatory with a lead pipe. He’s threatened to “candlestick” the Surgeon this week. I’m not sure what that means but it can’t be good for the masked one.

Later on we’ve got a WWC Dream Girl match with Penny Dreadlock taking on Butch Vera, but it’s time for our first match. It’s a rematch from their July loser buys dinner for life match. It’s Ghetto Rodney vs. Muttonchops McFly in a stop eating or I’m going bankrupt match! Muttonchops McFly won the match and he’s eating Ghetto Rodney out of house and home!

Ghetto Rodney had to take on a second job stocking shelves in a discount sock outlet to make ends meet. He’s hoping this match will, and I quote “stop that big fat slob McFly from eating me into debt or I’m going to be forced to sell my home.” Let’s go to the ring!

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