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Snappy Answers to Stupid Newser Headlines February 2015

22 Feb

 

February 22, 2015

Hello again, devoted readers. (I’m talking to you, Randall from Austin Texas.) Time for more Snappy Answers, the blog feature which has been the subject of numerous accolades over the past months. Here’s just a sample:

“I look forward to your snappy answers blog because at least it’s better than when you try to write stories.” – BoredReader27
“Funny that you make fun of Newser when at least they have readers.” – getmoreinsurance.com
“Tolerable.” – your loving Aunt Matilda

With love like that, how can I stop?

ns1

Spoiled Monkey Named Couple’s Sole Heir. Ostracized pair say Chunmun is like son they never had.

I hate spoiled brats. Never have to work a day in their lives, get everything handed to them on a silver platter. I bet that monkey never had to earn a single banana in his life. I wonder what kind of people these are, because saying that a monkey is like the son they never had really doesn’t say much about them.

ns5

Fake Jackson Pollock? Software Lets You Know. And it goes to show how unique painter’s work is.

Don’t you hate it when this happens? You go to the store, and you see a beautiful painting in the Jackson Pollock section. You buy it, and when you get it home the neighborhood art critic tells you that it’s a fake. Happens all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bough fake Jackson Pollocks at the corner deli. Thank goodness there’s an app that can spot them. (I’m pretty sure they don’t come in six-packs, but they’re on sale at Wal-Mart this week and I have to know.)

ns2Lawmaker Blames Absence On Tight Underwear. “I find it difficult to sit for any length of time,” Says Canada’s Pat Martin.

This guy must be nuts. (Cue rim shot.)

For a view of the opposite problem, read about the time Christopher Hewett Belvedered right here.)

ns3‘Toxic Poopsicle’ Closes Indiana Exit Ramp. Tanker truck dumps up to 400 gallons of raw sewage on roadway- and then it froze.

Don’t you hate it when this happens? “Sorry boss, I can’t come to work today. The highway was shut down because of frozen raw sewage. No, I haven’t been drinking. No, this isn’t the worst excuse I ever had.”

But really, I just chose this article because of “poopsicle.”

ns4Beloved Clown Found In Sex Offender’s Home. It disappeared from amusement park years ago.

Do I really need to add anything? That picture speaks for itself.

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Conclusion: New Year’s Eve in Brooklyn 2014/2015

12 Jan

 

January 12, 2014

At this point I realized that I could have made a fortune selling hot chocolate. I had given Saarah my hat to wear, and now not only was my head freezing but also my hands since I had no gloves. So I was forced to break into the emergency kit I keep in the trunk. I took out a stained and battered Mets cap (only in an emergency would I wear a Mets cap) and a pair of work gloves which had just under the maximum number of holes allowed so I could keep calling them gloves. One more hole and they would technically just be a bunch of loosely connected threads.

Other items in my emergency kit: Flashlight with dead batteries and a funnel.

Thus fortified, we waited until 9:15 and briskly walked back to the “party,” which was now threatening to maybe, possibly, start.

The DJ equipment was set up but the only music was coming from a CD player someone put on a chair next to the DJ equipment. The carousel had still not opened and showed no indications of opening, despite the icicle-laden folks hoping in vain to get in out of the cold. However, the tent was set up and it looked like something was happening.

And it was! Yes!

Two grumpy volunteers were handing out party favors from a pair of insanely small boxes. I was worried that even this tiny crowd may not all get favors so I checked- no other boxes stashed under the table and nothing stashed in the barricaded area with the CD player. I did a quick count- about 30 people on line, about 15 huddled and shivering near the carousel, and another 20 to 30 gathering around the music area where something was clearly and absolutely not going to happen anytime soon. But don’t worry, the volunteers were strictly rationing the party supplies. Each would-be reveler got their choice of either a party hat or a noisemaker. One only. And which one you got was not up to you, it was up whichever volunteer handed you something first. So if you brought your own party hat you may wind with another party hat despite only having one head. (And no party.)

Saarah and I each got hats, which was what we wanted. We took one last loop around the place to make sure we weren’t missing anything, and believe me, we had already had the full Coney Island party experience.

Our ball drop experience ended the same way the last one I went to did, so many years ago back in the 80’s, in the words of Bobby Brown from My Prerogative, “I made this money, you didn’t. Right Ted? We outta here.” So we left. (See Part 1)

There was a steady stream of cars leaving the parking lot with us.

Coney Island, I am very disappointed in you.

 

The End

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Fonzie Eats a Can of Ravioli Over a Hot Plate. (Christmas Classic)

25 Dec

 

December 25, 2014

christmas header

Here we are, Christmas Day, and I’ve saved the best for last!

From December 24, 2010

I can’t let the holiday go by without everyone’s favorite 30 year-old teenager, the Fonz, making an appearance. You can have your Frosty and your Rudolph, this is my TV yuletide.

This is a classic piece of Christmastime must-see television around my house. (I’m sure that says a lot about my house. We also love Godzilla at Thanksgiving. It’s a bit hard to fit in the oven but trust me, it tastes delicious.)  In this clip from the early days of Happy Days, everyone is getting ready for Christmas, except poor Fonzie, who has nowhere to go. This was before Fonzie moved in above the Cunningham’s and he was going to spend a lonely holiday in his garage. Watch as The Fonz sits on a greasy toolbox, heats up a can of ravioli on a hot plate, and sets out a pathetic little holiday card for company. Were the Aloha Pussycats out-of-town? Where was Paula Petralunga? And what about the Hooper triplets, Pinky Tuscadero, or a dozen loose cheerleaders? Ponder that as you watch with someone you love.

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