March 11, 2014
We have two of the final four set so far, in what has been an utterly exhausting marathon of Youtube viewing. I’ve done this because I’m dedicated, because I’m driven….but mostly because I’m bored. I had planned to weigh in on both the hipster beard transplant and monocle stories before Mr. B did, but I couldn’t get past typing “die die die die die die die” on my keyboard before needing to bite down on a stick due to a rage seizure.
Speaking of seizure! These next bracket busters will give you just that because we have some of the most awful entries in this tourney right here. As the great poet Randy M.M. Savage once stated “Snap into a Slim Jim!” You know what I mean!
Family Matters (“The Gun”)
vs. Fresh Prince of Bel Air (“Just Say Yo”)
OH DAMN! THIS IS GONNA BE SETTLED BY A YOU-GOT-SERVED STYLE DANCE OFF! So let me give the synopsis behind this EPIC feud: On Family Matters, the daughter narrowly misses getting beat down by a gang and decides to buy a gun to defend herself. Why she didn’t ask her daddy for help I’ll never know. The fat bastid did a great job of snuffing that terrorist in Die Hard. Oh yes, Urkel raps about gun control, in a clip that the NRA should be using to make guns seem even more cooler than they are.
On the other side, Will is taking uppers for some reason, presumably to prove that he has more street cred than Jazzy Jeff. Anyway, he accidentally gives Carlton uppers with hospitalization hilarity ensuing.
So…..LETS DANCE THIS OFF BEEOTCHES!
And the winner………….strangely enough, FONZIE!
The Undercard: Diff’rent Strokes (“The Hitchhikers”)
vs Mr. Belvedere (“The Counselor”)
FINALLY. Kimberly is all grown up an HAWT. Hotter than Jean Stapleton that’s for sure. Anyway, this is probably the hottest of all Diff’rent strokes episodes. Cruel tease Kimberly hitches a ride with the wrong man, and we finally get the promise of some hot Dana Plato action before her inevitable death. She’s held captive in a lucky gentleman’s home and he’s aiming to get him some, until lousy rat Arnold escapes and leads the police to the crib, spoiling all the fun for him (and for us) I’m sorry but I can’t imagine any boy over the age of 12 watching this episode and not hoping to see some “Diff’rent strokes” – if you get my drift heh heh. But it aired on CBS, not Cinemax so we were out of luck. On a side note…..what the eff is it with the Drummond kids? They’re always getting kidnapped or whatnot. What’s the point of money if it doesn’t insulate you from the riff-raff?? Then again, the Drummonds seem to like the riff-raff – he married that had Dixie Carter didn’t he?
As for Mr. Belvedere, first of all let me pat myself on the back for my tag line “Ensign Wesley Toucher” bwah hahahahaha….. Anyway, we also get the promise of some HOT action when cruel tease Wesley is rubbed provocatively by a camp counselor. But Wesley is confused. What to do? If he squeals he may be an outcast! The lousy rat eventually spills the beans, ruining all the fun. When asked how he was doing after his ordeal, Wesley had the classic line “Well, I got molested. But other than that, pretty good!”
Now watch the excruciating promo for this episode:
Am I the only one left with the impression that both Bob Ueker and Christopher Hewitt are going to double-team beatdown the molestor after the fade to black???
I gotta tell you…..these were some sexy episodes. And while both will go into the old spank bank (Yes, I have some issues and yes I’m going to hell) like the Highlander, there can only be one:
Winner……. Mr. Belvedere!
FONZIE vs Mr. Belvedere.
No contest. Not at all.
BRACKET WINNER: FONZIE (?!??!?!?!)…………..um….. ok.
BONUS: FAMILY MATTERS RAW! I never knew this existed, and I’m fluent in racist. This one actually shocked even me:
Next time: “Edna’s Edibles” Bracket to round out the final four!!!