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Uncle Lou

13 Apr

April 13, 2014

uncle lou

If you are looking for proof that there are too many channels and not enough good programs, this is it.

I was up around 1:30 this morning and was just flipping around looking for something to watch when I came across a show on REELZ, a network that specializes in obscurity. The show was called The Capones and it is a reality show that focuses on a family of stereotypical mafia-style Italians named Capone. Are they related to Al Capone? Beats me. I only watched ten minutes, enough to satisfy my curiosity. And what whet my curiosity? This description did.

louiewooie

“Uncle Lou believes he has the clap.”

Don’t you love this golden age of television? Back when I Love Lucy was on the air, Ricky and Lucy had to sleep in separate beds and they could not say the word “pregnant.” And now, decades, later, here is Uncle Lou catching “the clap.” Ah, progress, you truly are a bitch.

Anyway, I never did find out if Lou has “the clap.” I do know that he has ridiculously dyed eyebrows and mustache. In the scene I saw, Lou confronted one of his relatives, who seemed to be half drunk, about the continued employment in their restaurant of another relative, who seemed to be fully asleep, and was, right next to the bar. Then Lou told her that she seemed to be depressed and told her to see a psychic. Is she a real psychic? Yeah, replied “she has the Shining or something.”

At that point I grabbed my cell phone, snapped a few pics, and changed the channel.

Is this the face of a man with “the clap?” Decide for yourself, but I think that “the clap” is the least of his problems.

And I also believe he has “the clap.”

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He Loves The Honeymooners

5 Apr

April 5, 2014

A little over three years ago, on January 11th, 2011, I wrote a blog around this letter, which appeared in the New York Daily News.

kramdenmania

Frankly, I felt sorry for the guy, he was 63 after all. I didn’t even imply that he might have gone a little senile.

I fail to see the problem here. They aired The Honeymooners at one in the afternoon on a day when most people are home and sleep late. Should channel 11 have shown it at one in the morning and forced an old man to stay up to the wee hours of the night? Did he really want to be up, at age 63, watching TV at 4 am? Is this an overreaction, or can someone explain this to me? And while you’re at it, explain to me why this guy felt the need to write to the newspaper about it.

Now flash back to  the present. I’ve pretty much given up on The Daily News. Never a bastion of journalism, they’ve resorted to doing little more than calling out random people as jerks on their front page. In the three years since that letter appeared, it is fair to say that I’ve seen The Voice of the People less than a few dozen times. So I’ll leave it to you to calculate the odds that earlier this week I should run across this letter:

the honey mooner

Three years later, same guy! Still loves The Honeymooners, in fact moved so deeply by it that he had to let the world know with his letter. I can only imagine the orgasmic letters he sends to the station that actually airs the show. But my favorite part of the letter? “I even have my lovely grandchildren imitate them.”

“Grandpa, I’m hungry. Can we eat now?”
“Not until you do the “can it core a apple” skit!”
“Grandpaaaaa!”
“Bang! Zoom! To the moon, Timmy!”

How many letters did he send in that I missed over the years? How many love letters has he sent Audrey “Alice Kramden” Meadows? And how many times has he bitten someone’s hand when they tried to change the channel?

 

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March Madness 2: Electric Boogaloo!

11 Mar

March 11, 2014

keyes

We have two of the final four set so far, in what has been an utterly exhausting marathon of Youtube viewing. I’ve done this because I’m dedicated, because I’m driven….but mostly because I’m bored. I had planned to weigh in on both the hipster beard transplant and monocle stories before Mr. B did, but I couldn’t get past typing “die die die die die die die” on my keyboard before needing to bite down on a stick due to a rage seizure.

Speaking of seizure! These next bracket busters will give you just that because we have some of the most awful entries in this tourney right here. As the great poet Randy M.M. Savage once stated “Snap into a Slim Jim!”  You know what I mean!

Bracket 4

Family Matters (“The Gun”) 

vs. Fresh Prince of Bel Air (“Just Say Yo”) 

OH DAMN! THIS IS GONNA BE SETTLED BY A YOU-GOT-SERVED STYLE DANCE OFF! So let me give the synopsis behind this EPIC feud:  On Family Matters, the daughter narrowly misses getting beat down by a gang and decides to buy a gun to defend herself. Why she didn’t ask her daddy for help I’ll never know. The fat bastid did a great job of snuffing that terrorist in Die Hard.   Oh yes, Urkel raps about gun control, in a clip that the NRA should be using to make guns seem even more cooler than they are.

On the other side, Will is taking uppers for some reason, presumably to prove that he has more street cred than Jazzy Jeff. Anyway, he accidentally gives Carlton uppers with hospitalization hilarity ensuing.

So…..LETS DANCE THIS OFF BEEOTCHES!

SERVE:

COUNTER SERVE:

And the winner………….strangely enough, FONZIE! 

The Undercard:  Diff’rent Strokes (“The Hitchhikers”)

vs Mr. Belvedere (“The Counselor”)

FINALLY. Kimberly is all grown up an HAWT. Hotter than Jean Stapleton that’s for sure. Anyway, this is probably the hottest of all Diff’rent strokes episodes. Cruel tease Kimberly hitches a ride with the wrong man, and we finally get the promise of some hot Dana Plato action before her inevitable death. She’s held captive in a lucky gentleman’s home and he’s aiming to get him some, until lousy rat Arnold escapes and leads the police to the crib, spoiling all the fun for him (and for us) I’m sorry but I can’t imagine any boy over the age of 12 watching this episode and not hoping to see some “Diff’rent strokes” – if you get my drift heh heh. But it aired on CBS, not Cinemax so we were out of luck. On a side note…..what the eff is it with the Drummond kids? They’re always getting kidnapped or whatnot. What’s the point of money if it doesn’t insulate you from the riff-raff?? Then again, the Drummonds seem to like the riff-raff – he married that had Dixie Carter didn’t he?

 As for Mr. Belvedere, first of all let me pat myself on the back for my tag line “Ensign Wesley Toucher” bwah hahahahaha….. Anyway, we also get the promise of some HOT action when cruel tease Wesley is rubbed provocatively by a camp counselor. But Wesley is confused. What to do? If he squeals he may be an outcast! The lousy rat eventually spills the beans, ruining all the fun.  When asked how he was doing after his ordeal, Wesley had the classic line “Well, I got molested. But other than that, pretty good!”

bleah

Now watch the excruciating promo for this episode:

Am I the only one left with the impression that both Bob Ueker and Christopher Hewitt are going to double-team beatdown the molestor after the fade to black???  

 I gotta tell you…..these were some sexy episodes. And while both will go into the old spank bank (Yes, I have some issues and yes I’m going to hell) like the Highlander, there can only be one:

Winner……. Mr. Belvedere!

BRACKET CHAMPIONSHIP:

FONZIE vs Mr. Belvedere.

No contest. Not at all.

BRACKET WINNER:  FONZIE  (?!??!?!?!)…………..um….. ok.

Fonzie?

Fonzie?

BONUS: FAMILY MATTERS RAW! I never knew this existed, and I’m fluent in racist. This one actually shocked even me: 

 

Next time:  “Edna’s Edibles” Bracket to round out the final four!!!

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