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Gaze Into Mr. Blog’s Tepid Crystal Ball

7 Sep

September 7, 2014

This is a classic Elvgren painting. You can search this blog for more.

This is a classic Elvgren painting. You can search this blog for more.

September: End of summer
September: Back to school
September: The month before October

Yup. If you run in the circles I do, September means that soon the stores will be getting rid of the notebooks, folders, and pens they’ve been pushing and will soon be putting out Halloween decorations. It won’t be long until bats and ghouls have their way. (And then we’ll be inundated with Christmas stuff, so enjoy it while you can.)

Coming up in October, you can expect some annual features to rear their Halloween heads and rise from their graves for your enjoyment. I’ve already got my Rise of the Pumpkins tickets so a new Picture Postcard with all sorts of amazing pumpkins will be featured. I’ve also already got my Chiller Theatre tix. Will Greg “The Hammer” Valentine be drunk again? I’d bet on it. Guests this year include the Bionic Man Lee Majors and The Soup Nazi. (“Worlds are colliding!”)

And interestingly, Comic Book Men returns on October 12th.

Why is that interesting? Last season, about a year ago, Allan Keyes and I travelled to Red Bank New Jersey and filmed and episode of that show. It’s the truth. Unfortunately, that episode never aired, but if you go back about a year in this blog you’ll see a few posts (cheese shop, war memorial statue, Buddha) about things we did around the shop during a break in filming that day. I’m not sure why it didn’t air (though come October I’ll talk about it) but I’ve been sitting on an Allan Keyes blog for a year. I signed a contract stating that I couldn’t talk about my backstage experiences until the show aired, but I think I’m no longer bound by it, so I’ll run the Keyes blog and my own posts. But here’s a not-so-spoiler: It is pretty fake and Kevin Smith is never there. After October 12th we’ll tell all.

I haven’t forgotten September, though. You’ve got a lot of good stuff coming up, I promise.

 

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Snappier Answers to Stupider Headlines (September 2014)

4 Sep

September 4, 2014

You’ve got to love Newser.com, that plucky little news site that no one cares about. No one makes it their homepage, no one goes there for breaking news, but they keep on putting their links out there, everywhere, on the theory that if they throw enough funny pictures in your face you’ll eventually click on something. It’s cute the way they try, like that little puppy that just can’t reach the top of the couch but keeps making those silly little hops in a vain attempt to reach the cushions.

I’ve posted a couple other Snappy Answers to Newser headlines before (HERE and HERE, have fun, click away) and the response has been overwhelming. My great-aunt’s sewing circle, The Newkirk Needles, has sent me no less than three (!) glowing emails heaping praise upon the last installment. Check it out!

Dear Great-Nephew. I received your latest posting of your blog called More Snappy Answers to Stupid Headlines. I read it. Regards.

Dear Mr. Tepid Blog. Your great aunt passed on to me your Snippy Answers essay. What class is it for? I thought it was for American history but I’m not sure. But good luck and I hope you get an “A.”

To Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride: UNSUBSCRIBE

They love me! and here are three more headlines to love!

newserb

“House Fire Was Dog’s Fault: Police. No One Else Was Home, Pet Gets Saved.”

Seriously? Isn’t this another variation of blaming your farts on the dog? Everything gets blamed on the dog. Who broke the lamp? The dog. Who spilled milk all over the living room rug? The dog. Who took Ambien, sleepwalked into the kitchen in the middle of the night, tried to broil a steak, then fell asleep on the kitchen floor and woke up late for work and rushed out the door, forgetting about the steak in the oven, and a few hours later the grease caught on fire and set the house ablaze? The dog.

newsera

“Woman’s Buttocks Impaled When Texting While Driving. Christina Jahnz Says She Just Checked Phone For A Split Second.”

To quote Seinfeld, when Frank Costanza found himself in a similar back door predicament (The Fusilli Jerry): “It was a million to one shot, doc. Million to one.” When Oprah issued her No Cell Phone Challenge, I don’t recall getting anally penetrated being listed as one of the dangers of texting and driving. Because that would sure keep me from texting behind the wheel.

newserc

Kid Writes Story About Killing A Dinosaur, Gets Arrested. Mom: ‘We Don’t Have dinosaurs Anymore.'”

And WHY don’t we have dinosaurs anymore? Because of punk kids like your son! Take that, Lady! PWNED!

Somebody better read Ray Bradbury’s story “A Sound of Thunder” because it is about exactly that- a hunter kills a dinosaur. The Simpsons even did a parody of this! Sheesh, it is a good thing Ray Bradbury died in 2012 or he’d be under arrest today.

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An Imponderable Tale of Animal Poop

14 Jul

July 14, 2014

Recently, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo aired this episode:

synopsis

Yes, that actually says “Alana tries to find out who’s not flushing the toilet.” Just when you think TV can’t get worse, here comes Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

But who am I to complain? More people watch those hillbilly creeps than read my blog, so maybe they have something there. And regular readers of this blog know that I’ve done more than my fair share of posts about toilets (put “toilet” in the search box above and see what I mean) so who am I to act all stuck up?

It has been some time since I pandered to the lowest common denominator. It has been about two weeks since The [CENSORED] From China, and it doesn’t get much lower than that.

Hey we all poop. Everyone poops! I poop, you poop, Lois Lerner poops and then denies it, even former Canadian Prime Minister Sir Charles Tupper (May 1896-July 1896) pooped, and he was quite the distinguished personage.

So take this as a warning, your last chance to look away and surf the web for porn, before I jump into my true tale of a mysterious public poop.

_____________________________

The Hound of the Poopervilles.

There is a giant dog haunting the moors surrounding my ancient family estate the parking garage at the Company I Am employed by. I’ve never seen it and as far as I can tell no one has, but we know he’s there nonetheless. It is a feeling we get, a strange sense of something, a primal knowledge that all humans seem to share in times of danger.

But mostly we just see giant piles of shit in the parking lot.

Really, it seems more like a dinosaur took a dump than a dog. A passing stegosaurus maybe, but a dog? No way. Not even your lazy dogs that just eat all day could work up a pyramid like that.

“Dogs in a private parking lot? Must be a guard dog.” I’m sure that’s what you are thinking but no, we have no guard dogs here.  And while this parking lot is underneath my building, it is only partially underground. Using logic that is totally unnecessary for this silliness, that means that it is also partially above ground. Three of the sides are open to a gently sloping hill which leads up into the surrounding neighborhood, with only a short fence to provide what laughably passes as protection. Add that to the two entrance and exit ramps which only have a single bar to keep cars out, and animals not at all, and you can see how easy it is for some large dog to slip in.

Car thieves too, I’d guess.

Anyway, is there some huge neighborhood mastiff that likes to poop in the shade leaving giant piles around here?  And they are always in the same place, on the walkway just outside the east entrance and placed almost perfectly to step in. And they stink like you wouldn’t believe.

This is a job for better minds than me. I’m calling in Alana from Honey Boo Boo. She has experience with poop mysteries.

pooperville

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