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Always Read The Directions

17 Dec

 

December 17, 2014

I went over to my friend’s house for dinner the other day. There were four of us and we were looking forward to the meal. You see, my friend is a little bit of a foodie.

So we sat down at the dinner table and on each of our plates was a slice of frozen pizza. We each took a quick glance at each other, but hey, this must be some nouveau-food thing. As I poured myself a glass of grape soda, our host sat down and said “dig in.”

Feeling a little weird, I took a bite of the frozen slab, or I tried to. It was a block of ice. I ground down and my teeth sheared off little plasticy flecks of frozen processed cheese which fell on my shirt. But a little more pressure and snap! The frozen pizza cracked into five or six chunks of ice. One of them lodged in my windpipe and I died.

I should have paid attention to the warning on the box.

ellioscook

ellios

 

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FUN WITH TEH INTERNETS RETURNS! (Sorry, but Allan Keyes is back too.)

17 Oct

October 17, 2014

keyes

Give this a look before you read below. The relevant scene runs from 21:25 – 21:36

ab1

Just in case anyone was wondering about how the sitcom March Madness thing shook out, Fonzie won it, beating out the episode of Too Close for Comfort where Monroe was raped by two bulldyke “women” and at the end Mr. Rush just barely escaped that awful fate also.

No, really. That happened.

monroe raped

I’d say to expect some more of my doggerel when I can pump it out, but in the meantime I daresay it’s good to be back.

And look who else is back!

fat guy heart

Catch of The Day?

23 Aug

August 23, 2014

Saarah and I dined at one of the fancier City Island seafood restaurants last night. The food was delicious, the service was perfect, the décor was tasteful and classy.

But I’m beginning to wonder about where they caught Saarah’s flounder.

knife toilet

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