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Little Caesars Pizza Goes Back To 1979

9 Jan

January 9, 2016

lc logo

I really don’t know what Little Caesars Pizza is thinking. First of all, here in Brooklyn, there are so many local pizza places that the only thing that keeps chain pizza places alive is their low prices, since any local pizza place blows them out of the water. But accepting that as a given, there are 3 main pizza chains around here, Domino’s, Papa John’s, and Little Caesars.

Domino’s pizza ads are horrendous. Invariably, their pies look old and dry. I have yet to see a commercial where a Domino’s pizza looked fresh. At the other end is Little Caesars. Their pizzas look ridiculously oily in every ad. Papa John’s look the best, but that is damning them with faint praise. But out of the three, by far, Little Caesars has the worst marketing idea.

There was a time when the main knock on fast food was that it was made in advance and sat around under heat lamps until someone bought it. Was your Big Mac made two minutes ago? An hour ago? Nobody knew. So the big innovation was that your food was made when you ordered. Sure, maybe the ingredients were sitting around all day in the back, and maybe it takes an extra ten minutes to get your order, but at least it wasn’t all assembled until you ordered it. It was fresh, or at least a facsimile thereof.

Now here comes Little Caesars. Their ads urge you to avoid “complicated pizza websites.” How hard is it to order a pizza online? Unless you are either a caveman or 108 years old, it isn’t hard at all. Their big innovation is to go to one of their stores (thus losing any convenience ordering online had) and pick up a “hot-n-ready” pizza that is just sitting there, presumably under heat lamps, waiting for you. Was your pizza made two minutes ago? An hour ago? Nobody knows.

We’re going back to the past, people. Its 1979 all over again!

Little Caesars is run by technological Luddites. And their mascot looks like a penis.

little caesars mascot

Little Caesars’ strangely phallic Roman mascot. Note the short and curlies on his chest.

 

 

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Chance Encounters in Time and Space, Episode Two

30 Dec

December 30, 2015

chance encounters in space

Tonight: President William Howard Taft Meets The Donner Party

President Taft: I can make neither heads nor tails of this. I was just in my office preparing for a meeting with the Treasury Secretary and now I am enveloped by this dense white fog. Endless! Endless! Oh! Sir! Oh goodness, people! What is this? Who may I ask are you?

Donner Party: Saved! We’re saved!

ONE HOUR LATER

*burp*

COMING SOON: Charlie Sheen meets a pack of angry bears

Taft Donner

 

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