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Planning Ahead For Summer

14 Apr

April 14, 2015

I’ve been thinking about how to spend my summer vacation. (I need something cool to write for my “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” essay when I go back to school in September. Man, fifth grade is going to be tough.) I’ve decided that I’m going to make a movie.

I’m not worried about the little details. I’m sure things like dialogue and plot will come to me as I go along. I’m worried about the important issues, like how many guys in gorilla suits I’ll need, and how much gratuitous nudity can I convince the actresses to do? (This brings up a good point- I may need to buy a casting couch.)

Anyway, I don’t know what kind of movie I’m going to make, but I’m sure it will be cool. I’m going to have Kung Fu fighting gorillas, some sort of space monster with a million eyes, and a life-size cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lawrence.

QUESTIONS:

As the filmmaker, do I have to supply the popcorn to the movie theater, or do they have some sort of deal with Jiffy Pop? (And as the movie maker, can I get a kickback? Just a few bucks on every bag of popcorn sold will do.)

Where can I buy those really big reels they put the film on? And where do I get film anyway? Best Buy only sells digital cameras, no film needed. I could shoot it all on my iPhone, but I don’t want to have to pass it around to everyone in the theater when it comes time to show it.

When I go to the Academy Awards, do I have to walk down the red carpet or can I go in the back? I really don’t want the paparazzi asking me embarrassing questions, like how much I spend on my sneakers.

See you at the show!

director

Imponderable #125: The Metrocard

9 Mar

March 9, 2015

I don’t ride the subway that often, so it was a little surprise that when I went to refill my Metrocard, the machine said that it was about to expire and couldn’t be refilled. Used to be they didn’t expire.  The machine gave me the option of replacing my card, which I did. It gave me back my old one, then gave me a new one I could put money on. I filled the new one and threw the old one away.

This is really ridiculous. One of the benefits of the Metrocard is that it is refillable, therefore you use less of them, and fewer end up in the trash (or on the floor of the subway station, more often.) But here they just gave me a new one and forced me to throw the old one away, when the simpler option was to just add more time to the old card. It would have saved the use of a new card and kept the old one out of the landfill.

What’s up with that, NYC? Huh?

metrocard_395

By the way, when I was in High School, the Metrocard was just being tested and was only in use in a handful of stations. Students used to get a subway pass that they had to show the guy in the token booth, but one year they moved to Metrocards, which doubled as passes since most stations weren’t yet equipped for them. I still have the first few I was issued, so I have some of the very first Metrocards ever made (as I’m sure thousands of others do too. I’m pretty sure they aren’t worth anything.)

 

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The Bigfoot Lady. You Expect Us To Believe This?

26 Jan

January 26, 2015

I listen to Coast to Coast AM on a fairly regular basis, at least when I am awake. I avoid a lot of the political and conspiracy topics and try to listen to the UFO and paranormal-themed shows.

Recently, guest host Dave Schrader (who is as bad an interviewer as George Noory- man, he lets his guests ramble! – but is far less unintentionally funny) interviewed a woman who moved into, and continued to live in, a home that was under constant Bigfoot attack.

Sound good? Here are some highlights.

  • When she and her husband first saw the house, it was full of holes. The walls, the roof, inside the stove, everywhere. There was some sort of damage (some of it the woman refused to describe) everywhere. It was extensive and the house needed a lot of repair. And still they bought it!
  • The damage was explained by the seller was coming from her foster children, some of whom had emotional issues.
  • The house was the last one in its row, in “a residential area,” yet was directly across from a “dark and creepy” forest.
  • Strange sounds came from the forest.
  • There were constant sounds of banging and scratching coming from her walls, as if animals were attacking the house.
  • She and her family heard “voices” and saw “peeping toms” outside their windows.
  • Her family’s vehicles were always found with the batteries drained. They believed that they were being used by strange people who lived in the woods and wanted warmth, yet the husband refused to lock the garage since “it was a nice neighborhood.”
  • The woods were, they believed at first, home to odd and dangerous people who lived like animals. Their “kids” (who she later said were 16 and 21!) would leave food in the woods in exchange for their safety.

And all this is before the Bigfoot even enter the story! Eventually she produced “proof”: tapes of alleged Bigfoot howls that could have been either a coyote or a garbage truck, and on the Coast website, a video that showed either a large duck or a small outhouse lurking across the street- seriously, it was a blob-like shadow that was on frame for about 2 seconds. There’s more “proof” on her website, which I won’t name, all of which is about as conclusive.

big_foot_out_house_by_brandtk-d4mh4jw

And then, in a moment of anguish, she emotionally wailed “I don’t understand why people say Bigfoot isn’t real! Don’t they see all this?” Well, no, all we see is a nut.

Is it fair of me to call her a nut? Decide after this.

She also believes Dog-men live in the woods across the street.

Of course, her neighbors saw nothing, and if you do believe in Bigfoot, her story goes against every other single story or account of Bigfoot ever published, so that not only is she making it all up, but she doesn’t even know what it is she’s making up.

So to recap, her house is regularly attacked by Bigfoot (Bigfeet?) who destroy her home, somehow drain the batteries of her cars, peep in her windows, bang on her walls, scare her at night with their talking, and demand food as tribute. They ripped apart the trees in her backyard and despite all the time they spend on her property, she hasn’t managed- or even tried- to snap a single picture of them.

I’m not sure how the Dog-men fit in, but I bet they are not housebroken.

Has she left?

No she has not. And it has been 3 years.

Her story got more and more ridiculous as the night went on, to the point that a caller did what callers very, very rarely ever do on Coast to Coast: He called the Bigfoot Lady out as a liar and a fraud simply making up a story to sell books (she has two).

Coast to Coast has many guests with outrageous stories, but most of the time, they believe them. They either fall for bad pseudo-science or misinterpret scriptures, or, like the case of Richard C. Hoagland, are just total gullible fools. Until recently, Hoagland was the show’s “scientific advisor.” I guess George Noory had to finally distance himself from that kook after he misidentified one too many Martian rocks as Nike sneakers.

I, and most listeners, get a kick out of those guests, but total liars just bring out the anger. No one likes to be played for a fool.

Which brings me to Dave Schrader. He has his own show, and he recently had this woman on that program. So either he buys her nonsense or simply puts her on for her entertainment value.

The woman still fears for her family, so much so that she has gotten to the point where she, well, does nothing about it.

Ah, late night radio.

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