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Imponderable #92: At The Carnival

3 May

May 3, 2013

dozen-19-hot-peppersHello my friendz, my name ez Senor Chili Pepper. I wantta tell you the sad story of how I lost my good good friend, Ganjabanana.

It ez not eazy being a carnival prize. You hang on a hook, filled with cheap stuffing, sometimez bugs too. Then one day maybe a leetel boy win you by tossing a golf ball into a goldfish bowl. Maybe a man win you az a prize for hees girl. Or maybe you get to go home with some schmuck with lousy tattoos and a gambling addiction.

Lezten to my story!

 

4858119409_b044274cca_oWHY deed you have to geeve away my friend??? Ganjabanana was my only friend! Now I hang here on the hook, drying out and letting wasps nest een my hat.

Why deed that jerk spend over $2,000 on a $200 videogame?

The question eez Imponderable.

 

But it probably went something like this:

carny_640

 

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Allan Keyes: A Life Wasted

22 Apr

April 22, 2013

keyes1.jpg

I spent yesterday at work daydreaming about my third favorite subject: video games  (Numbers 1 and 2 were bacon and anger) and I was stunned to realize just how much time I’ve wasted with games since I was a wee little kid.

I was an active kid. I loved to run around outside and play. And then Dad bought home an original Atari 2600:

       d1                

That was it for me being skinny. I remember the night he was setting it up – he warned Mr. B and I not to touch anything. I touched the pong controller (the one with the round knob) (Mr. BTR Says: This is not the last time Keyes will be attracted to a round knob, nudge nudge wink wink.) and got yelled at. I got over it. Especially with my favorite game of all time, Yar’s Revenge to play.  Not only had I discovered my crack at a young age, I was mainlining it!

After the Atari broke (DON’T BLAME ME!) for some reason Dad tried something different:

 d2

Studio 2. More like Number 2 if you know what I mean. This was Atari’s main competition at the time.  How could they lose? THEY HAD A FRICKING “GAME” CALLED BIORHYTHM FOR GODS SAKE. Part of the “TV Mystic Series” (nice touch)  You entered your birthday and other biographical info via the keypad, and the TV screen filled up with various squiggles. Woopee. Seconds of endless fun! The thing on the right side is allegedly bowling. *Shudder*  We sent a guy to the moon but fat kids had to play biorhythm without a controller even in their living rooms. I blame Jimmy Carter.

 

After that abomination, we upgraded big time. No, we didn’t have ColecoVision – one of the great regrets of my overly pampered life. We had something better: Intellivision!

 d3

This was the last of the video game consoles that had wood paneling.  A minor thing but it really reflects an aesthetic, the manufacturers designed these to be put in the middle of the family room to be enjoyed by all, not just by some withdrawn pimply slacker yakking on his headset to his pals about he just pw3d that noob or whatever they yammer about today.  Anyway, I got so addicted to Astrosmash (a Space Invaders/Asteroids ripoff) that I actually faked sick days in school to stay home and play.  The controllers were kind of cool looking but clunky, and you had to put overlays over the keypads to get the right control commands, and they got ripped and crumpled awful fast.  Only one odd thing though – did you ever see a system that shipped with a bundled cartridge game as lame as “Poker and Blackjack”?

 d4_5

And I still spent HOURS playing this. You know what was kind of cool though? The douchy-looking dealer’s eyes would shift back and forth while shuffling as if he was going to do something shady. Nice touch!

Still, we were so solidly an Intellivision house, that we stayed loyal customers a few years later:

 d6

Snazzy redesign eh? What was SOOOOOOOOO cool about this one was that it had an add on: INTELLIVOICE. It was I believe the first voice synthesis module for a console. You could actually hear voices in the game instead of the boinks and bleeps and bloops previously featured. And Intellivision took this awesomeness and wasted it  on an absolutely piece of ass game called “Space Spartans” which was so thrilling that I tossed it aside to play Biorhythm on our old Studio 2 that I dug out of the closet (that really happened) But read this http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node=Space%20Spartans  – I think if they remade this game today properly, it could be HUGE.

I2 (as us cool kids called it) had one superstar game: ATLANTIS!

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You had to defend two domed (and doomed!) cities from increasingly hard waves of spaceships using only 2 guns (those red blotches at the sides) and one shuttle that only had 90 seconds of life before it either crashed or had to refuel. This was another one I played over and over.

 And after that, nothing for a long while. Atari came out with their ill-fated “E.T.” game which singlehandedly tanked the video game industry in North America for around a decade. And I was forced to get out and breathe fresh air for a few years. I look back and call them the dark times. But I was able to whine and pester my parents into righting my world by getting me one of those newfangled Nintendos!

 d7

I had my electronic high back. AS IT SHOULD BE. The original Legend of Zelda was so cool!!!!!!!!!!! It came in a gold cartridge that actually had a battery in it that allowed you to save your progress (FINALLY!) And they don’t look like much now, but the graphics and gameplay were a light year jump ahead of even the best Intellivision game. I would play games while laying on my bed, I’d play for so long I’d wear a big dent down the middle of the mattress.

When this got played out, I stepped up in class:

 d8

This was the first game system that I paid for myself. I had to slice a LOT of bologna to pay for this (and yes, I worked at a deli, get your mind out of the gutter. I didn’t love games THAT much !)

This system was ok, but I wasn’t feeling it really. I do remember one stupid comment I made back in the day “Look at these graphics, why bother getting them any better, this is all you need.”  FAIL!  As soon as I got a chance, I ditched this old and busted system for the new hotness:

 d9

Disks? No more cartridges? NO WAY!  I played Final Fantasy 7 until my fingers cramped up. This one was really my first fantasy RPG and I gorged myself on it. This was the first (and still only) game I actually went and purchased one of those thick strategy guides for, to help me find every single stupid potion and treasure hidden around the world map. I spent hours and hours breeding my chocobo to get a golden one. It’s not as pathetic as it sounds, I swear…………ok, actually yeah it is as pathetic as it sounds.

 d10

I purchased PS2 specifically to be able to play this game. I never advanced the missions at all. I did what any other junior psychopath did with this game: I would get a hooker (in the game) go do the er…transaction, and afterwards, bludgeon her with a baseball bat and take the money back. I also loved to play the Kobayashi Maru scenario in the game:  I’d gun down a cop, jack a cop car and run. The challenge was seeing how long I’d last with 5 wanted stars and the entire police force shooting to kill. If I went into an alley heavily armed with a cop car to block the way, I could hold out quite a while.

Now we’re getting back to familiar territory. I went to a friend’s house, and we played his  Xbox, and I saw a game where one soldier had a freaking CHAINSAW GUN and was using it to eviscerate monsters. SOLD!

 d11

I sh*t you not, I burned out that Xbox and purchased and new one, where I discovered the joys of blowing up people army style:

 d12

And I played THIS one until I got Red Rings of Death (NOT the STD) (RROD to the uninitiated). Now maybe Microsoft makes a shoddy, unsturdy product but I’m hooked. Which brings me to my new sexy baby:

 d13

And that’s currently where I’m at.  Happily playing away. I’m planning on adding to the legacy by getting a Kinect in the next few months. Sharks gotta keep swimming you know!

So I look back on my life, as measured just by all the video game systems that have come and gone, and I have to tell you, I spent a LOT of hours  alone, staring blankly at a TV screen.

I DON’T REGRET A THING!

 

Allan Keyes: A Carnival of Awfulness

1 Apr

April 1, 2013

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Ever read a story about something that’s really a tempest in a teapot, but everyone involved acted so effing stupid that you just have to shake your head? Well this is one of those stories. My friends, get yourselves a cuppa, and settle down to read this mound of stupidity (well, it’s a mound of SOMETHING, but this is a family blog after all…)

DONGLE-GATE, or……oh god, I’m so very tired of this already.

http://techcrunch.com/2013/03/21/a-dongle-joke-that-spiraled-way-out-of-control/

dongle 1

I suggest you read the whole thing, but since you’re here, I’ll give you the cliff notes version.

At something called “PyCon” (a convention for Python programmers. Py-Con, get it? How cute!) some dorks in the audience were talking amongst themselves, and making some computer terminology jokes that were quasi-sexual double entendres in a Big Bang Theory meets Beavis and Butthead moment. And this is the phrase that started the trouble: ““big” dongles and “forking someone’s repo.”  Whatever the hell that means. I assume it means something to computer programmers. Or the functional retarded.dongle 2

Anyway, sitting in front of them was some shrill thin-skinned harpy who decided this was THE WORST THING EVER IN THE WORLD EVER. Which is surprising, because usually these thin skinned harridans are women whom men wouldn’t fork with someone else’s dongle, but this one is actually kinda doable:

  dongle 3

And because in today’s world, the way to act is instead of just effing turning around and asking them to knock it off, she whirled around, snapped their pic and twittered about how hostile and awful this whole thing was. Part of her reasoning was “Women in technology need consistant [sic] messaging from birth through retirement they are welcome, competent and valued in the industry,”  — now I LOVE me some womenfolk, even when they’re doing things I don’t agree with them doing like leaving the kitchen, or wearing pants, or voting or thinking independently. But the doublestandard is kind of sad at this point. Women in the workplace demand to be seen as strong, independent and equal to any man…..unless said man makes a boobie joke, in which case they’re reduced to hysterical delicate flowers needing protection. Pick one please and stick with it. What ever happened to telling someone “hey, fuck you?” This is why a show like Mad Men is so popular nowadays. Contrast dealing with people like her at the workplace to a show where Don Draper and his colleagues basically molest the secretaries in their offices and send them out the door with a pat on the ass and a “see ya later toots”  And one last sidenote – if you’re equal to a man, you don’t need to be nurtured. I’m a supervisor (yeah,  I’m as shocked at it as you are) and I don’t have time to nurture you. Grow up please. </misogynyrant>

Anyway….for this horrific thoughtcrime, PyCon staff read her tweet and escorted the joking dweebs from the audience. You computer programmers are hardcore.  Make one lame joke and the Python gestapo hauls you away presumably to the Linux gulag (I don’t actually know what the eff Linux is, I just needed something to make a gulag joke work)

And here’s where it starts to get awful – I know, there’s depths yet to be plumbed here!

Since Harpy McThinskin tweeted about this and made it an internet thing, the vox populi started to weigh in. Predictably, the dongler (a father of three)  got fired from his company

My second comment is this, Adria has an audience and is a successful person of the media. Just check out her web page linked in her twitter account, her hard work and social activism speaks for itself. With that great power and reach comes responsibility. As a result of the picture she took I was let go from my job today. Which sucks because I have 3 kids and I really liked that job.”

A big FUCK YOU to his company, Playhaven, whatever shit that is. Profiles in courage you guys, profiles in courage.

Now, since this was not only an internet thing, but also an entry in the gender wars, the twitterverse/Facebook brigade responded by flooding the complainer with predictably awful and over the top offensive feedback that would make a David Mamet story look like a Davey and Goliath, thus making the villain of the piece a victim.

dongle 4

At this point, hacktivist group Anonymous decided to get involved, seeking to right the injustice that was perpetrated upon the dongler, threatening computer attacks against her employer:

“Adria Richards engaged in malicious conduct to destroy the another individual’s professional career due to what she perceived as an affront to her own extremist views from a comment that was not directed at her, not meant for her to hear, and certainly not for her to provide unwarranted input on. As such, she should have her professional career destroyed just like her victim in order for justice to be rendered and balance restored to the universe. The hivemind’s judgement is final and there is no appeal. No forgiveness, no forgetting remember?”

A Denial of Service attack aimed at her employer followed this.

And the final act of this sad, pathetic play: Her company predictably (and justifiably) fired HER, claiming that since she was unable to act effectively as a product evangelist for her client because of the controversy she started with her stupid, thin-skinned whining, they had to terminate her.

So that’s the story- for now at least. It’s still bubbling along in teh internets and there it can stay.

So lets keep track here:

JOBS LOST:  2

REPUTATIONS DESTROYED: 2

COMPANY REPUTATIONS RUINED: 2

MALICIOUS ELECTRONIC ATTACKS: 1 (AT LEAST)

ALL BECAUSE SOME IDIOT MADE A LAME JOKE ABOUT A FREAKING “DONGLE”.  AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS!!!  I swear, something as trivial and lame as that can cause all of this repercussion, I don’t even know how we don’t nuke each other 3 times a day because someone at the Kremlin sneezed or someone in the Pentagon used an old hashtag or something.

The guys who made the joke were dumb and guilty of minor offense at best. He didn’t deserve to get fired.

The girl is a dope who DID deserve to be fired because she can’t cope with the real world or have the guts to just ask someone to shut up.

PyCon is a bunch of effing zeros for escorting the guy out. I can’t imagine a more boring, conformist  place than that except for maybe North Korea’s main drag after sunset.

Playhaven is a bunch of gutless cretins for firing the guy because they were afraid of blowback made about a 5th grade lame joke

The public that weighs in on this stuff online is awful

The company that fired the woman is actually justified.

And I’ll never say anything bad about the fine upstanding citizens of Anonymous. Nosiree.  Salt of the earth I say! (Stop calling me a coward!)

This one was certainly NOT fun with teh internet this week….

 

 

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