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My Memories of The Three Little Pigs

27 Jul

July 27, 2014

My Memories of The Three Little Pigs

An installment of Fairy Tale Theater

3 pigs

Once upon a time there were three pigs that lived in the woods and stop right there. The woods? Do pigs live in the woods? I don’t really know. In Lord of the Flies there’s a wild boar that lives on an island, and I know that for awhile people kept pot-bellied pigs as pets (why????) but do pigs live in the woods? I don’t know. I’m a city guy. I’ve only seen pigs in farms on TV. We must be talking about the same woods in which talking bears steal pic-a-nic baskets. And wear ties and porkpie hats.

So these three pigs, seemingly against all odds, lived in the woods. And to up the unbelievability ante, they A- talked, B- walked upright, and C- lived in their own, mortgage free houses. Plus they wore shirts but no pants, Porky Pig style.

Things were pretty good for these pigs. They were lazy and didn’t do a lick of work all day. Their houses were long-ago paid off, and their meals were brought in by local volunteers who delivered food to shut-ins. Oh sure, most days they spent by the pool drinking pina coladas and texting selfies to each other, but when it was time for their meals to arrive, they hopped in their totally unnecessary wheelchairs, affected coughs, and waited by their front doors, forks and knives at the ready.

Well, as you’d imagine, there were other people- er, animals- in the woods who were pretty mad at these 1 percenter pigs. One in particular, a wolf, had a real mad on and wanted to redistribute some of the pigs wealth right into his belly, preferably after roasting them over a spit. This wolf was once a part of the Occupy The Enchanted Forest movement, so you know he had never worked a day in his life. But really, can we blame him? If your parents had named you Big Bad, what chances of getting a job in a Fortune 500 company would you have? Will the New York Stock Market ever gain ten points at the thought of Big Bad Finklestein being named CEO of Bloomberg Media LLC? I think not. So go easy on The Big Bad Wolf. He’s a product of his environment.

One day The Big Bad Wolf was particularly hungry. He was also particularly smelly too, but hey, that’s just another day in the Occupy movement. So one day, as he watched one of the pigs lounging by his pool and ordering new smart phones to give out at Christmas to all his rich friends, the wolf reached his limit. That pig was just so fat and succulent that the wolf just couldn’t take it anymore. “That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more!” he said, stealing one of Popeye’s catch phrases. He should have kept his mouth shut because that totally gave him away and the pig ran into his house, slamming the door right in The Big Bad Wolf’s face. (Snout? Whatever.)

Problem was, the pig’s house, like his fortune, was made out of straw. The pig wasn’t really a rich 1 percenter, and could only afford to build a house out of straw. All he cared about was appearances. And those smart phones he was ordering? He was way over his credit line anyway.

The wolf knew that no straw house would keep him out, so he huffed, and he puffed, and no, you really can’t blow a house of straw down, but he was able to more or less rip it apart with his bare hands. (Paws, claws, whatever.)

The pig ran off screaming.

The hungry wolf pawed through the straw but the only food he found was pimentos and Fresca. He took off after the pig, who had zoomed to his brother’s house and locked the door.

The second pig had done a little better for himself in the stock market and built his house out of wood, which I think we can all agree is much more sensible than straw. On the other hand, this pig was also a big Selena Gomez fan and spent a lot of time writing nasty letters to Justin Bieber, for which there was a restraining order against him. If he had spent more time on his investments and less time threatening Bieber he could have had a better home made of brick, but wood was still ok.

The wolf showed up and he was still determined to eat the pigs. Unfortunately, wood is a little harder to tear down than straw. The wolf tried to go in through the window, but the house was in a sketchy part of the forest and the windows were barred.

“Ha ha ha!” the pigs laughed, and it sounded just like that- ha ha ha, like in a comic book. “What are you going to do now, loser? Huff and puff and blow the house down?”

The wolf, being more of a wolf of action than words, took an axe and brought down the front door. “Heeeeere’s Johnny!” he cried, in a reference to Jack Nicholson in The Shining that most kids today won’t get. The pigs started squealing like, er, pigs, and ran out the back way.

The pair of bacony porkers ended up at the gated community where the third brother lived. There was a sauna and hot tub, and there was even a really good Thai restaurant so none of them had to leave if they didn’t want to. The Big Bad Wolf showed up but the security guards chased him off. He was last seen harassing Little Red Riding Hood, because seriously, what are the odds that there would be two wolves like this?

The moral of the story? Eat the rich is more than just an expression, some of them are full of flavor.

 

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The Sunday Seen That: 7/6/14

6 Jul

July 6, 2014

Since I cut back on the blog, the Sneak Peek of the Week has been the biggest casualty. Miss it? Nah. Since I have no clue what’s coming next, or when it’s coming, it would be pretty silly to continue it.

SNEAK PEEK OF THE WEEK OF JULY 6th, 2014

Monday: ?
Tuesday: ?
Wednesday: ?
Thursday: ?
Friday: ?
Saturday: ?

And now imagine that same Sneak Peek every single week.

But this is the summer, people are away, and even the most loyal of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Readers may have missed some recent posts. So I thought this might be a nice time to recap some of the more interesting things that I’ve posted here in the past few months.snoopy

Like some short fiction?

poster_postcard

In the mood for some Picture Postcards?

The_Riddler_7

Feeling Imponderable? (Yeah, me too.)

1683383-inline-i-1-simpsons-pop-culture

Pop culture has also caught my eye. First, my usual targets- TV and movies.

Real world pop culture has given me a lot to yell about too. Hipsters? Grrr, hate them!

 

But have no fear! I can still give you a little bit of a Sneak Peek! Coming in the near future will be a brand new New York Minute, and a sequel to Mumbles Mumbai Meets Sleepy Bhopal. I am NEVER returning to that restaurant, and you’ll see why soon.

 

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Doctor Noodles: an Adventure in Time and Space

4 Jul

July 4, 2014

Doctor Noodles: an Adventure in Time and Space, set solely in the psychiatric ward of a major metropolitan hospital.

 

Doctor Noodles stepped out of the janitor’s closet which he believed to be his time machine. He stopped making the grinding and hissing sound of the time engines only because he ran out of breath. Smoothing out his blue-stripped hospital-issued pajamas, Doctor Noodles surveyed the alien landscape before him.

To his left was the bed with the worn mattress where he battled the ferocious moon dinosaurs last week. To his right was the lamp that just yesterday became possessed by the sinister Professor Perilous and could only be defeated by pulling the power cord out of the wall socket, an action which caused him to be yelled at by the odd alien creatures who liked to dress up as doctors and nurses and poke him with strange needle-like things.

“Doctor Noodles! I found it!” Coming towards him down the hall was his robotic sidekick Mike, who rolled around in a wheelchair because his motor circuits had burned out long ago in a space liner crash. It also affected his short term memory and speech circuits.

Doctor Noodles had lost a very valuable piece of equipment. Although people frequently told him that it was an old Rubik’s cube, he knew that it was really a prismatic occulon, a very powerful artifact of the Rubik Federation. He also liked the colors and the way the patterns changed if you moved it.

“Thank you Mike, I thought it was gone for sure.”

“So did I, um yeah. So did I. But I took my meds today and then I remembered where I left it. I tried really hard and, um yeah, I remembered where I left it!” Mike seemed very proud and Doctor Noodles solemnly shook his hand.

Around the ward people slept or sat. Some watched television, some watched the ones who were watching television. Some watched Doctor Noodles and Mike. Others were off in their own adventures, where they went to happy places and were reunited with family they only vaguely remembered.

“What are we going to do today, Doctor Noodles? What about today? Do you have an adventure for today?” Mike was tugging at Doctor Noodles’ sleeve. The Doctor himself had become fascinated with some trees outside their window. The leaves were so green, and so many leaves.

“Doctor Noodles, I think today we can look for a unicorn. That’s my idea, a unicorn. A unicorn has a horn right in the middle of its head. Think that hurts, Doctor Noodles? I don’t think I’d want a horn in the middle of my head.” Mike was looking at the other end of the ward, where a nurse was making her rounds with the patients. “I don’t think that I need another pillow. I was tired and I went right to sleep. I had two pillows. I don’t need another pillow, um.”

But Doctor Noodles was busy negotiating an alliance between the trees and the birds.

 

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