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Chiller Theatre April 2015: Black Ink and Colorful People

27 Apr

April 27, 2015

I went to the Chiller Theatre Convention this past weekend and as always, a good time was had by all. There were plenty of celebrities. I got my picture taken with Gilbert Gottfried, and he autographed a Dracula Gottfried picture for me.

Dracula Gottfried

You may remember Dracula Gottfried from this blog post.

The interesting thing was, for a guy known so much for his voice, I don’t think I heard him speak to anyone.

I also had my picture taken with Gavin “Captain Stubing from the Love Boat” MacLeod, and yes, he was wearing his captain’s hat. That man knows which side his bread is buttered on.

crop merrill

Along with movie and TV stars, and also a few people you aren’t quite sure how to categorize (AKA The Guy Who Played Chaka The Ape Boy On Land Of The Lost), there were a lot of wrestlers. This is normal for Chiller, and leads me into my biannual Greg “The Hammer” Valentine update. I’ve been doing this since 2012, when he looked like this:

It became a legend that his leathery, almost baseball glove-like face never, ever changed. In fact, he almost never seemed to move. Here he is last year:

Hulk Hogan Fan Appreciation Day at Toyota Park - July 10, 2009

And here he is all the shows in between:

Hulk Hogan Fan Appreciation Day at Toyota Park - July 10, 2009

So what did he look like this year?

Hulk Hogan Fan Appreciation Day at Toyota Park - July 10, 2009

I don’t know. He wasn’t there. This was quite a big blow to me, not because I actually wanted to see him, but because I wanted to see how many years I could keep this joke running. 2012 – 2015. Not bad.

But softening the blow was the fact that Jake “The Snake” Roberts was here this year, and trust me, he didn’t move much either. However, I hope he shows up next year, and you’ll see why in a second. He’s going to replace Greg Valentine as the new running Chiller joke, and it is all because of his mustache.

Here’s how he was advertised on the Chiller site:

grey jake

And here’s how he looked in person.

black jake

That mustache has been dyed to within an inch of its life. In fact, the only thing there to rival Jake’s mustache was Anson William’s hair. Yes, Potsie from Happy Days. His head looked like he had just dunked it in a vat of ink. Sorry there’s no picture, I couldn’t stop staring and lost my senses.

Also there were The Dudley Boys, Bubba Ray and Devon. Immediately after I shot this picture, Bubba Ray shot me a glare that would have scared Andre the Giant. I think he was upset that I took his picture without buying anything. Sorry Bubba.

crop dudleys

I bought a cool Chiller T-shirt and some old paperbacks, and generally had a great time. There was a guy walking around in the creepiest scarecrow costume I’ve seen, and I have no idea if he paid to get in or just walked in like he belonged there. I wouldn’t ask him for a ticket if I was at the desk.

crop scarecrow

I’m already looking forward to October.

Planning Ahead For Summer

14 Apr

April 14, 2015

I’ve been thinking about how to spend my summer vacation. (I need something cool to write for my “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” essay when I go back to school in September. Man, fifth grade is going to be tough.) I’ve decided that I’m going to make a movie.

I’m not worried about the little details. I’m sure things like dialogue and plot will come to me as I go along. I’m worried about the important issues, like how many guys in gorilla suits I’ll need, and how much gratuitous nudity can I convince the actresses to do? (This brings up a good point- I may need to buy a casting couch.)

Anyway, I don’t know what kind of movie I’m going to make, but I’m sure it will be cool. I’m going to have Kung Fu fighting gorillas, some sort of space monster with a million eyes, and a life-size cardboard cutout of Jennifer Lawrence.

QUESTIONS:

As the filmmaker, do I have to supply the popcorn to the movie theater, or do they have some sort of deal with Jiffy Pop? (And as the movie maker, can I get a kickback? Just a few bucks on every bag of popcorn sold will do.)

Where can I buy those really big reels they put the film on? And where do I get film anyway? Best Buy only sells digital cameras, no film needed. I could shoot it all on my iPhone, but I don’t want to have to pass it around to everyone in the theater when it comes time to show it.

When I go to the Academy Awards, do I have to walk down the red carpet or can I go in the back? I really don’t want the paparazzi asking me embarrassing questions, like how much I spend on my sneakers.

See you at the show!

director

More Snappy Answers To Newser Headlines, Again

13 Apr

April 13, 2015

Hi gang! And I mean that literally. A big “hi and hello” to the Satanic Ugnaughts, a biker gang in Muncie Indiana. Their leader, Big Stan Satan, writes me every week. Unfortunately, I can’t share any of his comments, they may incriminate him. Anyway, here it is, another installment of Snappy Answers To Newser Headlines. As usual, the last time I did this, I was swamped with responses!

“Cease and desist.” -Newser
“Cease and desist.” -Abrams and Smith, attorneys for Newser Inc.

And here are the newest headlines. I can’t wait  to read your raves!

n1

“Russia Hackers Had Access to Obamas Schedule”

The White House has now given more Presidential access to the Russians than it has to the Republicans.

n2

“Dr. Andre Van Der Merwe says patient’s life was ‘just Hell'”

Sure, but imagine the poor Doctor, having to explain to people what he does for a living. “I’m a penis transplant surgeon!” Well, at least he has piles of cash to console himself with.

n3

“Kansas Bill: No Welfare Cash at Movies, Psychics”

What, no more welfare money for psychics? Someone should have seen that one coming.

n4

“Judge: Go Ahead, Serve Divorce Papers on Facebook”

Why not? It’s probably the cause of the divorce anyway

n5

“Rare Black Flamingo Seen In Cyprus.
It’s hard to miss among its peers”

Minutes later it was shot by the police.

Cyprus Black Flamingo

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