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American Chopper: The Lost Episodes, by Allan Keyes

1 Jan

January 1, 2013

American Chopper may have ended but its legion of fan (yes, fan) will not let it die. Number One Chopper Viewer Allan Keyes checks in this week with a look at one of the Discovery Channel’s Lost Episodes.

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This week’s build: The Dr. Z Bike

Two weeks ago was the last official episode of American Chopper. The show was mercifully canceled, and Mr. BTR thought he was finally free from having to endure his own personal television Vietnam every Monday. But I’m sorry to burst his bubble – Discovery just announced that over the past decade, they’ve been sitting on several “lost” episodes that never made it to air…..until now that is, in an attempt to wring out every single drop of cash from this dried up cow. Mr. BTR didn’t see this announcement, so I’m taking one for the team, and giving you your American Chopper recap.  Enjoy!

9:01 – Paul Jr.’s wife, who is much too hot for him, is at the PJD shop going over the books. She informs him that unless business picks up soon, she’s going to have to leave him for a man who can support her lifestyle better, specifically the guy who owns the two Subway franchises in the local mall.

9:06 – Over at OCC, Paul Sr. is angered by the news that the OCC Café is now serving tofu on brioche. While he bellows, Jason Pohl huddles under his desk and stains his pants

9:11- Time for some Mikey hijinks! While whistling the theme to the Beverly Hillbillies, Mikey combs his beard and finds that chicken wing he lost last week. Proceeds to eat it.

9:13- Paul Jr. calls a team meeting. He announces PJD’s newest client: Dr. Zizmor, the famous NYC subway ad dermatologist. PJD has been contracted to build the “zit bike” to celebrate Dr. Z’s 1000th fruit peel. Paulie’s wife puts down her suitcase, but does not yet unpack.        Dr Z               

9:20 – Over at OCC, the team discusses Jason’s latest business idea: bikes for the blind. “We can make the gauges in braille! It’s terrific!” Jason says. Paul Sr. bellows in rage, while Jason runs and hides in the crawlspace

9:22- Rick quietly goes about his work as always, displaying a professionalism and work ethic that nobody else in either shop possesses

9:30 – Time for more Mikey hijinks! He’s taking a blank canvass to the zoo so the monkeys can make more “Mikey Teutel Originals” for his gallery

9:35 – Paulie and the gang meet with Dr. Z to discuss the build. His suggestion for a mottled red and white paint scheme is enthusiastically accepted by the PJD gang. On the way out, Dr. Z slips Paulie’s wife his phone number on the sly, and she looks around before pocketing it.

9:40 – The OCC crew blows stuff up. Scared by the loud noises, Jason runs and cowers in the back seat of his pickup truck. After getting hit by shrapnel from the explosions, Paul Sr. bellows a lot. Why no, I don’t think they’re going to build a bike over at OCC this week.

9:45 – Paul’s other son Daniel Teutul, who has been rarely mentioned on the show over the past decade, stops by OCC to say hello. Paul Sr. is utterly perplexed as to who this guy is. Like any confused animal, he bellows – a lot. Jason Pohl proceeds to call the suicide hotline begging them to “make it stop! Make it stop! Make it stop!”

9:50- Vinny gets his usual 5 minutes of camera time, the only purpose of which is to wear his V-Force gear to remind all the viewers that he did indeed fail on his own before Paulie offered him a lifeline. Cody putters around in the back of the scene, proving that like most former child stars, he is not very relevant as he gets older.

9:55 –Despite not seeing any fabrication this week, somehow the Zit Bike is completed, and being wheeled out for an unveiling.  Paulie and company unveil the Zit Bike at Dr. Zizmor’s headquarters above the West 4th St. Greys Papaya to a small but enthusiastic crowd of Dr. Z’s subway ad contemporaries. “Celebrities” in the crowd include M.D. Tusch, The EZ Pawn Guy dressed like Uncle Sam, “The Face of Herpes” from the health department ads, the fatty from the anti-obesity campaign, Mrs. Subway 1946, the Fox 5 morning team, Aggressive Panhandler, and Johnny One Train.

 NYC Sbuway all stars

 9:59 – Dr. Z talks about what a success the zit bike is, while Paulie tries to keep Mikey from harassing the Fox 5 morning team. Paulie’s wife slips the Face of Herpes her cell number. End credits.

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