Archive | March, 2012

Gorillas, Robots, and Spider-Man (Classic Repost)

31 Mar

March 3, 2012

Originally published February 24, 2011

Remember that old commercial for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? A guy is walking down the street eating a bar of chocolate, caught up in such gastronomical pleasure that he totally fails to see the guy coming the other way, who is dipping his fingers in a jar of peanut butter and licking the peanuty goodness off his paws and not looking at anything but his own sticky hands. The two guys collide and the chocolate ends up covered with peanut butter, leading to those immortal words: “You sank my battle ship!”

No, no, sorry, These immortal words: “You got peanut butter on my chocolate!” “You got chocolate in my peanut butter!” They then proceed to share their commingled goodies, and as the scene fades out they discover new depths of love and candy.

Well, the subject of this blog is a lot like that, just without the chocolate, peanut butter, or blindsiding. As the title implies, (actually it explicitly states it) this blog is about gorillas, robots, and Spider-Man.

Spider-Man needs no introduction. If you absolutely feel that you must have one take a look at the top of the page. Recognize him? (If you don’t, then where have you been- under a rock all your life?) He’s the guy dressed in a suit that absolutely does not make him look like a spider.

If Spider-Man needs no introduction, then surely gorillas don’t either. Why bother with introductions anyway? It’s not like you are you going to meet a gorilla at a dinner party. “Here you are, Lord Snottington. You’ll be seated between Koko and Kogar.” Who are you, Tarzan?

Behind curtain number three we find a robot. Not just any robot but a Robot Monster-style robot. Guys in gorilla suits are already funny, especially when they do kung-fu in 1970’s flicks, but a robot gorilla? Priceless. You may just remember a little film called King Kong Escapes. What did King Kong fight? A giant robot ape. ‘Nuff said.

By now, or likely much earlier, you may be starting to wonder what the point is of all this. Slow down, sailor. I’m getting to it.

The other day I was cleaning out a closet and in a folder filled with otherwise normal stuff I found three Spider-Man newspaper strips I cut out back in 1998.

Ah, 1998. Remember that long ago year? Before we had Justin Bieber we had The Backstreet Boys, before Lady Gaga we had The Spice Girls, and before Britney Spears we still had Britney Spears, whom I was shocked to discover has been assaulting our ears far longer than I thought.

In movies, 1998 boasted both Armageddon and Deep Impact, proving that two giant asteroid films still can’t be as bad as one Sony’s Godzilla, also released in that year.

In comics, Wikipedia reports that something called Gay Comix published its final issue, Batman creator Bob Kane died, and Marvel cancelled The Spectacular Spider-Man after a 263 issue run.

But have no fear, Spider-Man was still alive in the newspaper (and about a dozen other titles Marvel published) in stories written by Stan Lee. Stan Lee in his time was a genius. He created nearly every iconic Marvel character in the 1960’s, from the Hulk to the Fantastic Four. However, that time has long passed. Later in life he created Stripperella so debate his legacy for yourself.

He also wrote these Spider-Man strips which combine gorillas, robots, and Spider-Man in one small package, like a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.

“That gorilla– so powerful, so fearsome– if it had a human brain nothing could stop it!” Who hasn’t had that thought at one time or another? The problem is that none of us has the ability to do anything about it. Of course, that is no obstacle to New York’s richest man. (I am tempted to wonder if “New York’s richest man” would wear an ugly suit like that, but I am also thinking of Donald Trump’s hair. My theory on Trump’s hair is that it is one big F-you. It says “I am so rich I don’t have to look good.”)

Now that is journalism! Even the Weekly World News never printed a headline as good as that. But look at the last panel- that’s no gorilla, that’s a robot!

A couple of days (and missing strips) have passed, and that’s a shame. I wonder how it defeated Spider-Man? And what does the richest man in New York have against him? If I were that rich I’d have better things to worry about, like where I am going to get a money vault as big as Scrooge McDuck’s so I can swim around in all of my cash.

That’s all I found. I’m sure that Spidey managed to beat the gorilla-bot and save the day. I imagine that the Spider-Man strip has gotten much better since then. Here’s one from 2009:

What the-? That’s it? Some meeting! That Stan Lee is one big tease.

Maybe that’s just one bad day. Let’s see one from earlier this month.

Stan Lee used to be a writer, right? What happened? That’s the single worst strip I ever saw. I get that there is a larger story going on, and some days will be more exciting than others, but who thinks that strip is worth wasting your time on?

This strip has got to get back to the robot gorillas and rich guys in bad suits.

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Imponderable #42: Chumbivilcas Peru.

30 Mar

March 30, 2012

Whoever said that violence never solves anything has never been to Peru.
 

Some facts about Peru :

In 1935, Dr. Forrestal traveled to Peru to recover the Chachapoyan fertility idol and disappeared. The following year, Indiana Jones traveled to Peru to recover the idol and determine Forrestal’s fate. After claiming the idol from the Temple of the Chachapoyan Warriors, Indy was forced to give it up to another competitor, René Belloq, and flee via amphibious plane.

What? You say that’s from Raiders of the Lost Ark? Damn skippy it is. I love that movie.

Anyway, in the real world which I sometimes visit, Peru cannot survive. Seriously, it cannot. How can a country that settles all their conflicts with brute force survive? And yes, I do mean that ironically.

Anyway, Takanguy is based on an old Incan tradition, and whatever happened to them, know what I mean? Hmm? Hmmmmm?

Is all this just an excuse for me to post Lego Indiana Jones in The Raiders Of The Lost Brick?

Of course it is.

And why would they keep up this ridiculous tradition?

The question in Imponderable.

“Waiter, this soup has too much gentleman’s buttock, please take it back.”

29 Mar

March 29, 2012

These are real products and while I will be the first to admit there are some cultural and language differences here, I am also the first to admit that I do not care.

Yeah, I admit that I took the cheap shot right off the bat.

But think about it, how many places can you go and ask for spicy cock and not thrown out, arrested, or your own rear end violated? Yes, I know that is chicken soup and yes I know that I am being immature but so what? I still laugh at farts too.

Hey, that mix contains artificial goat! No way! Booo!

I looked up the recipe for Mannish Water.

Ingredients
For 10

  •  2 pounds goat head and belly

  •  0.25 cup Grace White Cane Vinegar
  • 4 cups water
  • 4 cloves garlic, crushed
  • 6 whole pimento berries
  • 2 pounds yellow yam, peeled, diced
  • 4 medium carrots, peeled, diced
  • 2 large cho cho, peeled, diced
  • 1 pound irish potato
  • 6 fingers green bananas
  • 1 cup flour
  • 0.25 teaspoon salt
  • 0.5 cup water
  • 1 packet Grace Cock Soup Mix
  • 1 tablespoon Grace Caribbean Traditions All Purpose Seasoning
  • 2 sprigs thyme
  • 2 stalks escallion
  • 1 whole scotch bonnet pepper
  • 1 teaspoon Grace Hello Soft Margarine
  • 0.5 teaspoon Grace Caribbean Traditions Black Pepper
  • 0.25 cup white rum, optional

Directions

  1. Cut goat head and belly in small pieces then clean in a mixture of Grace Vinegar and 4 cups water.
  2. Pour 6 cups water in a pressure cooker, add 4 cloves crushed garlic, pimento berries and goat head and belly and pressure for 20 minutes.
  3. Turn off flame and allow pressure cooker to cool.
  4. Pour mixture into a 6 quart pot, add 4 cups water to pot and allow to boil.
  5. Add diced yam, carrots, cho cho, Irish potatoes and green bananas.
  6. Stir cover and leave to cook.To Make Spinners:

  7. Combine flour, 1/4 tsp salt and 1/2 cup water in bowl and knead to make a smooth dough.
  8. Leave dough to relax for 15 minutes.
  9. Make small spinners from the dough then add to the pot, stir and cover.For Seasoning:

  10. Add Grace Cock Soup Mix, Grace Caribbean Traditions All Purpose Seasoning, thyme, crushed escallion and whole scotch bonnet pepper, Grace Hello Margarine, Grace Caribbean Traditions Black Pepper and 1 tsp salt.
  11. Stir well and leave to simmer for 15 minutes.
  12. Turn off the flame and mix in the rum.

I have to admit, it seems really tasty but I never seem to have goat head around the house. I am always running out. And frankly this sounds like a lot of work just for me. This recipe serves ten. Who knew that 1.2 ounce packet could be so complicated to make? And where am I going to get ten people who love goat belly? Or better yet, why would I?

But none of that matters because unless you already know what this is, here is the only thing that comes to mind, at least my mind:

Sorry Saddam Hussein, there is no way I am drinking your bath water. That is the real Mannish Water.

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